I thought that I would pen this just so that down the road, I would remember…
After being divorced from my ex husband for 5 years, the ex has decided to communicate with my children. The kids first received a Hari Raya card by him, something which was very very unexpected. Then today, Mat received a Birthday card from him. Hmmm…something must have knocked some senses into this person.
I have a feeling that our visit to Singapore last year and my husband's effort to let the kids meet up with their father had somehow made the ex realize how much time he had lost on the kids? I remember my husband saying 'I want the kids to know that they have a father. That they need to see their father even though they have not seen him for years. At least when they grow up, they will not have resentment upon us for not making the effort to let them see their father'. Yes, I am blessed to have my husband who cares for the kids' feelings. Having come from a broken family himself, he surely does not want my kids to feel as miserable as he was when he was a kid.
So…could it be the visit last year that made the ex want to catch up with lost time communicating with the kids? Is he feeling bad that he had been ignoring the kids? I don’t know. All I know is that I have been 'banned' from communicating with the ex as I might end up ending his life there and then (yeah yeah, sure, I don’t mean it).
But I am grateful that the kids finally are getting some communication with their father (who had 'disappeared' for years…shuddup Ely). My husband suggested that they call their father tonight to continue communication with him. I am just going to stand back and listen to them. And then be there should there be 'aftermath' effects on them.
You know, the kids will have to get the hang of communicating with their father again after so long. My son is more of an introvert who is more understanding on what actually happened many years back, but not my daughter. She gets upset pretty quickly when her father is being mentioned. She would say that there is no point in communicating with her father as he did not care for her since she was 5. That he left the house while she was begging for his return…amazingly, she remembers all that. There was once when she cried and asked me why I broke up with their father. And that her father is a stranger to her now…and that she doesn’t care.
Who am I to say that the ex is a loser (again Ely…shuddup!). But what I told my daughter on why we broke up was 'I was too young to be married (18 then). And one thing to remember always, NEVER let anyone control your life. When you marry someone, this person must love you for what you are and not to change you'. The rest was up to her to think about.
And you know what? I will never drag this ex to jail for not paying nafkah to the kids since the divorce. Sure, I was challenged by him to do so. But I don’t want the kids to find out that I have dragged their father to jail. This nafkah issue is between him, Allah and the kids. Not for me to stress over. Alhamdulillah, rezeki for the kids have been endless.
Bless my husband's heart for his good intentions towards my kids, whom he loves dearly.
After being divorced from my ex husband for 5 years, the ex has decided to communicate with my children. The kids first received a Hari Raya card by him, something which was very very unexpected. Then today, Mat received a Birthday card from him. Hmmm…something must have knocked some senses into this person.
I have a feeling that our visit to Singapore last year and my husband's effort to let the kids meet up with their father had somehow made the ex realize how much time he had lost on the kids? I remember my husband saying 'I want the kids to know that they have a father. That they need to see their father even though they have not seen him for years. At least when they grow up, they will not have resentment upon us for not making the effort to let them see their father'. Yes, I am blessed to have my husband who cares for the kids' feelings. Having come from a broken family himself, he surely does not want my kids to feel as miserable as he was when he was a kid.
So…could it be the visit last year that made the ex want to catch up with lost time communicating with the kids? Is he feeling bad that he had been ignoring the kids? I don’t know. All I know is that I have been 'banned' from communicating with the ex as I might end up ending his life there and then (yeah yeah, sure, I don’t mean it).
But I am grateful that the kids finally are getting some communication with their father (who had 'disappeared' for years…shuddup Ely). My husband suggested that they call their father tonight to continue communication with him. I am just going to stand back and listen to them. And then be there should there be 'aftermath' effects on them.
You know, the kids will have to get the hang of communicating with their father again after so long. My son is more of an introvert who is more understanding on what actually happened many years back, but not my daughter. She gets upset pretty quickly when her father is being mentioned. She would say that there is no point in communicating with her father as he did not care for her since she was 5. That he left the house while she was begging for his return…amazingly, she remembers all that. There was once when she cried and asked me why I broke up with their father. And that her father is a stranger to her now…and that she doesn’t care.
Who am I to say that the ex is a loser (again Ely…shuddup!). But what I told my daughter on why we broke up was 'I was too young to be married (18 then). And one thing to remember always, NEVER let anyone control your life. When you marry someone, this person must love you for what you are and not to change you'. The rest was up to her to think about.
And you know what? I will never drag this ex to jail for not paying nafkah to the kids since the divorce. Sure, I was challenged by him to do so. But I don’t want the kids to find out that I have dragged their father to jail. This nafkah issue is between him, Allah and the kids. Not for me to stress over. Alhamdulillah, rezeki for the kids have been endless.
Bless my husband's heart for his good intentions towards my kids, whom he loves dearly.
27 comments:
Ely!!! Miss you!!
By the way, this can't be easy for you, but you and david are doing the right thing. Hang in there girl! And try not to kill anyone in the process ya?? haha! :)
kak ely,
Allah itu Maha Mengetahui yang yg terbaik untuk akak dan anak-anak, Alhamdulillah, akak dapat hubby yg baik dan memahami, semoga kekal bahagia hingga akhir nanti..
*HUGS*
u are really lucky to have such a great and understanding hubby...not so many people willing to let the kids jumpa ngan the ex-hubby knowing that how ignorant he was..
nice! have a great raya!
Ely, i envy the way that you had kept moving in your life despite of the pass...Yes, you are very lucky to David....to walk along with you...
I had lost word of what to write bcoz for the pass days too much dwell into my technical report..
Love you..
dena, kalau ckp pasal the ex, memang my blood pressure can go upstairs and i am not joking! i think david is hanging in there with the kids.
noha chomel and shay, yes, i am very lucky to have a husband like him. if not for him, memang i dah resigned fm making the kids contact their father.
AM, thats ok dont talk too much, start with ur report! hehehe, love ya too!
bangga dgn kak ely's decision...
HUGS!
hello naddy, long time no hear! miss u!
thanks gurl. life goes on kan?
I'm happy for Mat and Mas. It will take time for wounds to heal. Lets hope that it will rekindle for good. I'm behind you and David all the way.
ely, this shows just how comfortable and secure u are in this relationship with David. He has provided so much that u were denied off before. And i know this because you were such a different person before!
Ely, it is so good to read of David's stand in this situation. He is, I guess, the stabilising factor in this whole thing. You can choose to end your relationship with the ex, but the children have blood ties with him. All the best in doing what is good.
I can relate to your daughter and understand her. This may sound mean, but if a person didn't/doesn't give a damn about me, then why should I give a damn about that person, father or not. Lagi2 dad yang tak beri nafkah, no care, tak jenguk anak dia pun. But that's just me lah. Others may have a soft spot for their fathers and give way. Maybe you could let your ex know if she doesn't want to communicate with him coz the last thing u want is that he misunderstands the whole situation and thinks negatively.
Great that u have ur husband's support. Now u need to support ur kids... best of luck to them.
Ely dear... You've carried on life with such great positive attitude. Your David has done a lot of good for you and the kids. You definitely deserved all the happiness after going through so much pain. May Allah bless all in the family with ever after happiness :)
tety g, u were around when this happened so u know what i went thru kan? rekindling is hard to do on the kids part but insyaAllah.
kak teh, thank you. maybe i should start calling u mak teh instead of kak teh cos u know me more than anyone online (except my sister). remember, u have always been my support when it comes to my family. thank you for being here for me.
qoth, u know, u're very right about that. the husband just told me that last night. whether i like it or night, its the blood ties kan?
hartini, u sound like my daughter, masturah. she said the same thing as u. why give a damn if he doesnt give a damn. but now that he does give a damn, she doesnt know what to do but instead she says 'eeerrr, well i dont know what to say to him anyway'. the anger, but david had a talk with her and tried to pacify her on why she still needs to keep the ties.
redwine, first of all, welcome to Ely's world of babbles, hehe. thank you for being a reader and i am glad this entry had some sort inspired u. after my divorce, i always tell myself that there are more positive elements in life and i will keep that positiveness in me no matter what...for the sake of my kids. so i am THAT ordinary after all eh? the family will always be my #1 support in this. i shall visit ur blog and maybe feel inspired like u too :)
ailin, u're so right. a mom tetap mom and dad tetap dad, no way to change that. and yeah, he might have changed eh? my dad kata he might have missed the kids. of course i sneered at that cos when the kids were in singapore, takder pun dia jenguk dorang. dah tahun lepas kita travel kasi jumpa dgn bapak dorang, barulah dia nak sedar. but again, as much as i geram dgn sikap dia, i have to take it positively eh?
thaaniya. my husband selalu kata yang i nih susah nak support my kids if it involves the ex. all i could do was ask them how they feel after getting a card fm him, and after meeting or talking to him. then when the kids feel frustrated, i have to back off and let the husband do the job cos i might end up getting so mad beyond believe. maybe i am too sensitive, the kids hurt is my hurt too.
honeytar, thank you so much. that sounds so sweet. i will keep that positive attitude in me, i promise.
Its gd that ur husband is supporting u. And also niat dia baik utk berbaik kan anak2 u dgn bapa mereka. Alhamdullilah, i tink u n ur husband is doing the rite thing. All the best, May ur family be bless with happiness always.
anita, thank you my dear. he sure is doing the right thing for my kids.
*LOL* That was exactly what I said when my dad wanted to meet me *LOL* I was like, apa nak cakap dengan dia?. Got nothing to say lah! Nanti jumpa pun I macam orang bodoh gitu, like a mute, have nothing to say. Buang current aje jumpa! hehee! That's just me lah. And that has been going on for donkey years. My mom doesn't mind coz she understands why I don't want to meet him - she tried to get me to know my dad when I was younger, and he buat bodoh aje all that time. Sama lah - duit nafkah pun tak kasi. Men...! It's not retribution now. It's just the connection and time lost and no feeling of kasih sayang or kemesraan. Plus, he left when I was a baby, so I didn't even know him and I didn't yearn for a dad coz I had uncles who were father-figures. But anyway, my mom's and dad's history was nasty - probably much worse than yours, Ely - and the only way to forgive and forget is to not have any connection with him. That way, my mom and I can live peacefully - tiada gangguan [I say that coz he's married and still wants my mom back after all the shyt he did to her - a sane person will not do that kind of thing] [excuse my french]. I hope he will find peace too, though I read his emails saying how much he regrets, blah blah blah. The last thing I want to hear is someone telling me their regrets. :) Ok, that was my story :) and I dunno if Masturah's reason is similar, but it's good that David talked to her. At least someone tried. If she still doesn't feel comfortable being with her real dad, then I guess you can't force her to, right.
u're right. i will nvr force her into doing anything that shes not comfortable with.
life goes on, if not for david, memang i wont keep in touch with him. but david says that he wants to make sure that the kids get a chance to connect with their father and after 'strike 3', we could call it quits.
so far so good. and i truly understand how u feel hartini. cuma geram eh kalau ingat balik?
Ely, u really make me recall the incident of my friend Shyreen.
I dont know what happen now, didnt get to call her aft raya...
Anyway good that you're husband is supportive Ely, if ikut hati pompuan memang dendam tak abis2 aje..
noreez, am i right to say that we women are more unforgiving? or maybe more like 'can forgive but cannot forget'?
dendam? hmmmm...watch my face turn red when this ex's name is mentioned.
Ely, Ely.. I really really am in awe of what you did, what you have gone thru. Despite not giving nafkah to Mat and Mas over the years, you are strong enough to put up with it. Yes, it is his responsibility to the children and to Allah. You are so strong to let it go, to move on with the children. Masha-Allah, you amaze me Ely. U have a wonderful life now with David, Mas and Mat. And you all deserve it!
ely,
i read this semalam semalam but couldnot find what to say to convey what i feel.
i still cant find it,
so i'll just say, i sayang you and david and the kids and i am so proud of u and david..
lame. sigh.. dont know how else to say it lah girlfriend!
elva, u have known me since i moved to the US. i think the 'CA girls' have grown together kan? thank you elva, you also have been such a great encouragement to us. and we miss u dearly...now that u're on the other side of the world!
oody, no need to say anything...i faham, girlfriend. i sayang u and ur family too.
You are as much to blame for your divorce. Don't write as if your ex- husband is the one who is at fault. Yes, your children need to communicate with their father and only a wise white man is able to see that, because Malay women certainly can't. Malay women think they are always right, and men must serve them. Hello ? There are better women out there then Malay women.
Bless your husband's heart? Of course ! Because you have no heart !! Talk about being a Muslim .... what a shame....
Nafkah? That must be the only thing you think about. Have you ever considered how much your ex-husband earns and his own commitments? Don't flatter yourself by saying you won't send your ex to jail for your kids sake. You are as much to blame for your own divorce. You are no angel yourself !!
To Hartini,
Don't talk as if you or your mother is so perfect! And the fact that you don't want to see your own father reflects the kind of upbringing you had and the kind of person you are now. If not because of him, you would not have been born ! And your behaviour now is really un-islamic. because in Islam, forgiveness, especially with parents, is ultimate. If you can't even talk to your father, forget about going to heaven!
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