So I spoke to my son last night. The last time we spoke, the conversation was very very aggravated that our healing process took 10 steps backward.

So much emotions was actually involved when my son and I were separated. The emotions involved everyone on my immediate side of the family (the husband and Kakak Mas) and the other immediate side (my parents and sister).

Like I said earlier, it was a wonder Allah kept Suraya with me in my tummy when I was going through rough times. Maybe Allah did it for a reason…to heal Kakak Mas, the husband and me. To help us get stronger and eventually, to heal my broken and hurt family. And I know that Allah sent Suraya to us as a bridge this family.

With all the emotions that came along, 3 out of 1 conversations we had, sometimes took a turn for the worse. I don’t know how and why. But then we thought that this had to come to a halt. The elders have to be on the same page in order to make my son be on the same page too. We all agreed…that we have to work hard in patching my family up again. Not to have my son physically back with me but to patch up the relations that we have.

Back again to last night's conversation. At first my son thought that my mother 'forced' him into speaking to me…but he picked up the phone to speak to me anyway. At first it started with a very apprehensive tone on his side. But I sounded friendly, like an ibu would always sound to him. Oh how I missed his voice. Then he started to open up after I started sounding chatty and happy.

He said that he was not well last Friday. Dr said that his tonsils were swollen and he had a slight fever. And then I teased him 'Sakit2 pun pergi Batam eh'….and he giggled. He also said that it is the Dengue season now in Singapore. And I offered information about Suraya, his tiny sister who just got over a cold spell herself. And then he talked about school. That he had special coaching from his teacher and is catching up pretty well.

I avoided any deep conversation as that could be the root to taking step backwards. I was totally not expecting anything out of that conversation…after what happened the last time.

It was until I hung up the phone when the husband asked me who I was speaking to. I said 'Matt'. Then he said 'Sounds like a good conversation'. You know, yes, it was a good conversation. Then he asked 'How do you feel?'. Took me a few seconds to think. How did I feel? I told him that I did not feel anything then as I wasn't expecting anything for fear of hurt like the last conversation…but relieved that it was a good one.

But you know what? Slowly after that, feelings started to sink in. I felt happy, sad, relieved, and lovelorn. I miss my son so very much, so much so that it hurts. But I can't cry anymore. As I think I have cried so much that my tearducts are clogged. Oh no, I lied, I just can't cry anymore or refuse to cry…cos it hurts deep down each time I cry.




If my son is reading this, I just wanted to let you know that we ALL do love you here. We ALL think of you all the time, even Greg asks about you, James our neighbor and even some of your schoolmates ask about you. Your little sister is due to see you soon. InsyaAllah, we shall meet soon. We're a family and nothing will change that. It is okay if you live far away from us. As long as our ties will not be broken.

I love you Abang Matt!