--Each time when I think of my kids and their dilemma with their father, I would remember this Que Sera Sera song--
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February 8th 2006, it was my daughter's 12th birthday. There was a package received on February 5th, when we were in Florida. Bapak who was in town at that time, said that he received the package on my daughter's behalf. Bapak said that the package was from Singapore...the sender being the father of my kids.
When we reached home, my daughter opened her package and found a birthday gift from her father, together with a gold chain and a pendant, custom made with her name on it.
That was the nicest material that my daughter had received from her father since the divorce, about 7 years ago. She put the chain and pendant on and wore it to school every day.
To show appreciation to her father, my kids bought him a San Francisco Giants shirt with a card. Bapak volunteered to personally hand the gift to their father (besides bapak being so curious on how this guy is doing now) when he went back to Singapore.
Last Friday, we received a call from bapak. Apparently, bapak was with their father. They had a talk...60 seconds per kid. I asked the kids what they talk about with their father. The kids were oblivious over the phone call, one kid continued to watch TV, the other, back to her gossip magazine.
The next day, bapak called me to give me the full scoop of his meeting with their father. Their father had somehow gotten out of his post-divorce misery and is driving a cab at nights (so that explains how he got the money to buy her a gold chain). He sold his 2 bedroomed apartment and is renting a room and had bought a car too. So I asked bapak,'Orang tuh dah kawin ker belum?'. Bapak said maybe not.
Then when bapak talked to the kids about their father...again the kids were oblivious. The daughter came into the room and asked,'Ibu, yayi said that ayah bought a car and he would very much love to see us this summer when we visit Singapore. You know, I REALLY do not want to go see him'. What can I say. Couldn't say 'That's fine Mas, don't go'...could I? But in turn I said 'Well, why dont you just go visit him. He loves you and wants to see you. You don't have to spend the night at his place. I'll make sure that yayi would not force you OK'. The daughter, being a drama queen said 'Ibu! How to tell yayi? He would surely force me to spend the night! Yayi said that ayah now has a car...so what? Like I cared even if he owned an airplane'.
I could not utter a word after that. I was stumped...that she even said that! But I quickly changed the subject and talked about something else just so that the daughter would not get worked up over something that hasn't happened yet.
My say in this, I am glad that the ex had finally pulled himself out of misery (seemed like he got out of it after he sold his apartment and made some money. He was broke all the time...as usual) and is earning money (no, not hoping for him to even start paying child support). I hope that he would marry someone who is of what he would expect fom a wife....an obedient and gentle wife (I am not saying that I am not of that ok!). As much as I would not want to have anything to do with him, the fact still stays that he is my kids' father and he would still be in the kids' lives no matter what.
As for my beautiful kids, how my kids will feel towards their father will be determined by how their father is willing to regain their love for him (which has somehow dissolved since time began). The kids deserve for their father to show them love and I shall not stop them for getting more love. I know how hurt my kids are by their father's behaviour in the past years...but it really seems now that their father is trying to mend his relationship with his kids. I hope that my kids would accept him again someday...insyaAllah.
When we reached home, my daughter opened her package and found a birthday gift from her father, together with a gold chain and a pendant, custom made with her name on it.
That was the nicest material that my daughter had received from her father since the divorce, about 7 years ago. She put the chain and pendant on and wore it to school every day.
To show appreciation to her father, my kids bought him a San Francisco Giants shirt with a card. Bapak volunteered to personally hand the gift to their father (besides bapak being so curious on how this guy is doing now) when he went back to Singapore.
Last Friday, we received a call from bapak. Apparently, bapak was with their father. They had a talk...60 seconds per kid. I asked the kids what they talk about with their father. The kids were oblivious over the phone call, one kid continued to watch TV, the other, back to her gossip magazine.
The next day, bapak called me to give me the full scoop of his meeting with their father. Their father had somehow gotten out of his post-divorce misery and is driving a cab at nights (so that explains how he got the money to buy her a gold chain). He sold his 2 bedroomed apartment and is renting a room and had bought a car too. So I asked bapak,'Orang tuh dah kawin ker belum?'. Bapak said maybe not.
Then when bapak talked to the kids about their father...again the kids were oblivious. The daughter came into the room and asked,'Ibu, yayi said that ayah bought a car and he would very much love to see us this summer when we visit Singapore. You know, I REALLY do not want to go see him'. What can I say. Couldn't say 'That's fine Mas, don't go'...could I? But in turn I said 'Well, why dont you just go visit him. He loves you and wants to see you. You don't have to spend the night at his place. I'll make sure that yayi would not force you OK'. The daughter, being a drama queen said 'Ibu! How to tell yayi? He would surely force me to spend the night! Yayi said that ayah now has a car...so what? Like I cared even if he owned an airplane'.
I could not utter a word after that. I was stumped...that she even said that! But I quickly changed the subject and talked about something else just so that the daughter would not get worked up over something that hasn't happened yet.
My say in this, I am glad that the ex had finally pulled himself out of misery (seemed like he got out of it after he sold his apartment and made some money. He was broke all the time...as usual) and is earning money (no, not hoping for him to even start paying child support). I hope that he would marry someone who is of what he would expect fom a wife....an obedient and gentle wife (I am not saying that I am not of that ok!). As much as I would not want to have anything to do with him, the fact still stays that he is my kids' father and he would still be in the kids' lives no matter what.
As for my beautiful kids, how my kids will feel towards their father will be determined by how their father is willing to regain their love for him (which has somehow dissolved since time began). The kids deserve for their father to show them love and I shall not stop them for getting more love. I know how hurt my kids are by their father's behaviour in the past years...but it really seems now that their father is trying to mend his relationship with his kids. I hope that my kids would accept him again someday...insyaAllah.
ps : The ex will always dislike me no matter what. He is so sore about me that he tells everyone, he hopes that I would be happy with my Mat Saleh husband, like what I had always wanted.
20 comments:
Oh wow. I can't put myself in your situation, Ely. But I can't help feeling sad. For whom I osso donno.
Looks like the father is trying hard. Kesian jugak. But it must be doubly hard for the kids. I hope they will recover so as not to have any hangups when they are all grown up.
The ex never remarried? Anyway, look at it this way, the more he tells people he hopes you'll be happy with your MatSalleh husband, the happier you'll be. Macam doa lah tu.
Its hard to be inyour shoes but I guess you've done all you can to persuade them to meeth their father! They are both grown up now and are able to make the decisions themselves... I guess, just need to give them time... Baby steps I suppose! :)
qoth, i feel that their father has not tried hard yet. he sent a birthday card to my son on his birthday, sent a card and gift to my daughter on hers...after 7 years of being separated. i just dont want to force this upon him, let him do what he wants to do. i think the kids dah redha dgn his attitude.
MJ, my son is OK with meeting his dad, the daughter is not OK. u see, when they go back to singapore, i am just so afraid that my dad will force this upon them which is not my husband's and my point in this. let the relationship grow naturally and not in a forceful manner. u know what i mean? but i told my daughter, if she is forced into doing anything she doesnt want to do, to let me know...same goes to forcing her to visit her father when she doesnt want to. My husband says that when he comes to visit on the last week, he would take my daughter to 'teman' to see her father.
rumit juga situasi ini yea ! this evening a gf called me relating a horror story of her SIL marriage. my gf's MIL is separated fm the abusive husband (who got another 2 wives anyway), all these while pun the FIL bagi nafkah macam bagi makan kucing tepi jalan. And during the SIL's akad nikah (last week actually), the FIL (the abusive one tu) hv muka to demand that for him to mewalikan pernikahan tu, the MIL go back to him. The MIL fengsan-fengsan until Tok Kadi took control the situasion, fasal dah malu the FIL pun walikan, tapi with all the havoc le. ish ish ish ... manusia camtu ada gak. anyway ... i wish you happy together gether with your MatSaleh husband :)
ninuk, memang perkara camnih boleh jadi rumit dan fengsan2 like the mak in ur cerita! when it involves kids, lagilah boleh sakit jiwa tau.
mat saleh? alah, kulit dia jer putih tapi perangai tak beza dgn org lain. but thank you for the sweet wish :)
As we grow older we would want to connect to relatives. So I guessed this is what happened with your ex. He just realised what he had missed. It was good of u to encourage you children to see him. Maybe you should talk to your father about letting the children decide how much time they want to spend with thier father.
Only my 2 sen lah OK!!!
auntyN, semalam i cakap dgn bapak. told him how my daughter was feeling...that she feels irritated if anyone speaks about her father. jadi i bilang bapaklah, kalau bebudak nih kat singapore, jgn paksa pulak dorang pergi visit their father. kalau dorang tak nak visit ayah dorang pun, nanti kita sampai kat sana (1 mth later) barulah temankan dia pergi jumpa ayah dia.
kekadang terfikir jugak..salah ker bebudak tuh berperasaan sedemikian?
Ely, I love your family and would surely look forward to a meeting once you're back for hols.
I echo AN's comment, as we get older, as we mature, as we realise more of this life and the hereafter, the more we search for our roots. I believe your ex is now going through a patch of his life, wanting to connect, wanting to hug and kiss the kids and feel that his life be meaningful.
When u encourage your children to love their dad, you are teaching them maturity. You are teaching them adult stuff. Never mind them being 'oblivious', but u should never stop telling them ( in different creative ways k? ).. cos ur duty is to tell.. it is Allah who will open up their hearts.
Divorce is always bitter. There's a lot of emotional turmoil, intertwining arguments positive or otherwise.
Now that you are happily married, which I think is the saviour, then keep thanking God for this turn of event. If both of you are not happy ( now at least 1 is) then it is even more difficult to be clear headed, and see things in bigger perspective.
If u are not happy now, I think, it is even more difficult for you to see that the best thing for you to do with your children is to love their father, NO MATTER WHAT. Great parenting sense you have Ely. Congratulations.
Ely :
It is so sad that in any break-ups, many hearts will be broken too, often they are the kids'. Grownups heals faster and move on but kids, being emotionally fragile and dependent are often left bewildered by the turn of events and suffered the most.
In my case, no matter how much hatred and anger I habour (before), I had to be mature and redha about the whole thing.
I usahakan the communications b/w the Brood and their father, eventhough in the beginning relationship were still frosty b/w us. But I always wanted my kids to embrace life with all its offerings, good or bad, with maturity. I am consistent and compartmentalize my feelings - that is I let the father knows about the milestones of each kids, let him know of their progress and if he wanted to be part of it - I let him e.g first day of school, report card days, sports days. And we celebrate the kids' birthdays together. I never bothered about what other people - family, friends or even society - may think or even suggest about our "domestic" arrangements. I put my kids wellbeing on top priority. I am glad however, I never had to face them (negativity) as they all were very sporting and supportive.
However all these were possible because both of us has not remarried.
Despite having said all that - the kids are still not spared from emotional scars. Being emotional, it is not seen with the naked eye - but you can "see" it with your maternal feelings and instincts.
In Mas' case, she is feeling bitter maybe because of the pent-up anger/frustrations of wanting the father earlier, but he (the father) was never there for her. And now when she has got on in life and moved on with her new Daddy - he came to stir her from her comfort zone of paternal love.
You and your hubby are doing the right thing in reassuring her - of course she needs to have some connection with her father, he is after all her wali - but it has to be done delicately. Your support will make it easier for her.
Take care Ely.
CB, thanks for coming by. such great words from u that made me speechless, in a good way.
i could say that i am NOW able to make the kids love their father yes...cos i am happily married. the last time we went back to singapore, their father had moved. my husband was determined to find their father. knowing singapore and how big my network is at home, a cousin found their father.
the husband had a heart to heart conversation with the ex, saying that he knows he is not the kids' father. they have a father and thats the ex. nothing will stop him from communicating with his kids. i can say that this was what made the ex thought hard about his kids. my husband had made a total turnaround in this and i will always appreciate him for doing this for my kids.
like i said, tho i dont see the ex eye to eye, i think my perspective have changed. like my husband says, that i can nvr change the fact that they have a father and we HAVE to make them communicate with their father whether they like it or not. thank you again CB for your encouraging word.
MA, we both had gone thru the same scenario. we know that divorce is such a painful word and procedure. it involves everyone esp. the kids. when they get hurt, we get hurt kan?
you have such a somewhat 'perfect' situation whereby the ex is participating in parenting. that u at least 'get along' for the sake of the kids. for us, it was difference. we would be on each others throats when we met.
that made the ex not to visit the kids to avoid me. that made my daughter, who was the closer of the two, get really mad with him. she was only 5 then. we had our cry out sessions, the last one just 6 mths back about her father. that she was indeed angry, mad and thinks that her father 'is a little off'.
but i told her...one day, she has to mend this relationship whether she likes it or not. not now...but just one day, when shes ready.
thanks MA for ur views...u know that we both could connect especially in this and parenting :)
Ely - my family was horrendously dysfunctional and when mak & babah finally divorced, i was already deeply scarred. but whatever it was they had between them, my parents never indulged in bad-mouthing one another (i'm sure they were sorely tempted) and for that i'm extremely grateful.
i'm not implying that you do but what i'm trying to say is that kids somehow need to respect their parents (even just shreds of it) coz once we upset that delicate balance, the inner turmoil could poison their soul and easily give rise to anger, confusion, revulsion etc.
They have the right to feel the way they do but encourage them to be bighearted enough to forgive their dad ely - even if the man dont deserve it sbb the sooner they confront the mixed feelings they have for him, the sooner they can put all of it to rest and move on. unresolved issues more often than not fester. be patient with them, dont force it but they need to understand that no matter what, he would always be their father.
good luck hon.
hugs ely! big BIG hugs to you..and your Mas. She'll understand and come around some day. Insyaallah.
Ely,
As I read about Mas and Mat, i can't help feeling how lucky they are to be thousands of miles away and that the kids will never be near their dad again and that he would not scar them anymore. I thought about my kids and how I wish I can just bring them far far away from here so that he would not keep threatening me that he would bring them over to stay with him certain days once he gets married to that slut. Alas, I can't leave cos you know my commitments here are amounting ... what with my folks, my job, my friends and, of course, who the heck do I go to in a foreign land? Tell the kids I said hi, hang in there and yea, sure, while you can tell them to reconnect with their dad (or at least learn to), you know they will need to make that move themselves. As for me, I wish my kids do not have to reconnect with that bas***d ex of mine. he has done more harm than good and heck, he has been such an absent figure, they couldn't care less. Then again, I honestly don't know if they'll be this oblivious or will they start questioning once they figured things out. You've got your kids a father figure for them now. Me? Well, I can only hope to be as lucky.
ayu, u need to come here and give her a hug hehehe. but then it would irate her if she knows why u gave her a hug!
redkebaya, thank you for your insight in this. i really appreciate it :)...
bad mouthing the husband to the kids is one taboo that i would never ever dreamed of doing. they have been hurt from the divorce, and they dont deserve another hurt of their mom bad mouthing their father.
respect...yes that could be done. the kids were not given respect from their father even when they were 5 and 7. he made promises to take the kids out for their birthdays, they waited 2 hours, no sign of him. what could they do? cried all night saying that they hated their father. what could i do? coaxed them and told them that their ayah was busy. whatelse could i say...sooner or later they realized that i was covering up for him and then hated me for it.
yeah...slowly but surely, i am encouraging them to learn how to love their father. the daughter says that he does not act like a father to her but all i could say is that she needs to learn to love him, insyaAllah.
mammal, big great hugs back to u. i am sure she will. i told her that there is no pressure in her discovering her father just yet.
ely'sfriend...i have not heard from u my dear, where have u been? u are currently still sore from ur ex. u must be going thru the same phase as what i did 5 years ago, sore, hate and 'he better not touch my kids kinda' feeling and there is nothing wrong with that. remember i told u one day that ur kids will ask u about their dad...trust me...they will. they might not now cos they're still very young and do not realize of their surrounding. they would even ask u WHY their parents separated....just be ready for that. and i am sure u will know when ur hurt has been partly healed that u would talk to the kids about their father. yeah...i guess being married to my husband is a blessing, which was totally unexpected. insyaAllah, u will find someone will love totally love u and ur kids and say that ur bad points are the ones that make u u...just like how much i love u!!! :)
ely.. recommended by MA.. salam perkenalan
Ellyyyy... it seems i've miss alot here. Been busy giler.
Well kid has grow up to tell the difference lah kan. So nak suruh salah nak kata, tak yah jumpa lah pun salah jugak... So kena lah tengok mood & keadaan lah tak?
anyway, abt coming back to Spore tu jgn lah lupa berita tahu kita ya awak. Mana lah tahu boleh kita bergebang dgn gang spore ni..
sya, salam perkenalan kembali! thanks for coming :)
noreez, yes we could meet up. boleh gebang dgn my sister sekali kan :)
Ely, I look you up for handling the situation so maturedly. I've always marvelled at how divorced parents like you (and Mak Andeh) can keep a level head when it comes to the children and not make them a sounding board to spite the ex-spouse. I've seen that happen to a cousin of mine, and how my aunt has always said less-than-desirable things about her ex-hubs and his new wife and gotten my cousin involved in her spite sessions. No doubt the ex-hubs was a hopeless man, who seemed to forget that my cousin was his eldest daughter, because he only focused on his "new" kids with the new wife; but I felt that whatever it is, the child (my cousin) should have been taught to remember that no matter what, ex-hubs is her father.
But I guess sometimes it's easier said than done, huh? Still - kudos to you (and Mak Andeh) for having handled it so well!!
blabs my dear, sometimes noone knows if the mom is going bonkers cos she doesnt show it in front of the kids but we do shut the door and cry u know.
but i am sure MA feels the same as me, we dont show our misery to the kids cos they will fel miserable too.
the kids have brains, eyes and ears to justify their father themselves kan?
tough job my dear, tough job! and i thank you :)
*tumpang lalu Ely*
Yes Blabs - *tough* woman like us DO cry. But we do not do it in front of the kids because we are their source of strength. If we crumble down, they would be devastated.
In actual fact, we derive strength from each other ( kids-->mom, mom-->kids).
About their feelings to their dads, yup - they can make the judgement themselves - but I always tell them that to err is human, to forgive is divine.
Forgiveness is the highest virtue one can give.
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