Craving for...

I am typing in front of the computer and all of a sudden, I could see cupcake images floating in front of me.

Lunchtime today, will be a mission to look for that perfect cupcake! Its hard when I am in the city as the supermarket is not within walking distance...but cupcake I shall find, if not this afternoon then tonight will be the night!

UPDATE : THURSDAY 08/31/06
Its a late update but I DID find the ultimate cupcake yesterday, just a few hours after blogging about it.

Went to Citizen Cake and got myself and my good friend a chocolate cupcake each. The cupcakes were not cheap...$2.50 per tiny cake but heck...I was happy cos it was good and the cake was moist! Yummy!

Newest craving....another Coach purse muahahahahaha!

I think I am back for now. Yup, the hormones of a pregnant woman, one day she's like a crazy woman, sad and hurt beyond believe and another, she's back to her own self. Believe me, I think I will go through a few more of this before it might (I repeat. MIGHT) go away for good (which I doubt). But I know that I can't stay miserable forever yeah?

Listening to Barry Manilow makes me feel better. Then I discovered this romantic comedy movie called The Wedding Date...watching Dermot Mulroney kinda cheered me up (no husband, you're still the cutest to me!). I also have been watching Shall We Dance (Richard Gere and JLO) for the upteenth time. Besides that, work has not been kind to me, busy to the brim of my 'inbox' in my Outlook email at work. Yes I get busy through emails as my boss works on the 1st floor.

Our San Francisco office is branching to 5 different offices and last week was the 1st move. No, I am not scheduled to move yet but somehow or rather, I get dragged into this process. Listening to the boss whining, asking for opinions of mine (might as well they pay me to be a manager eh?) and dropping last minute (which says 'I need the spreadsheet sent to Real Estate TODAY) bombs to me. Well, made my work week go by very fast, no time to think of high emotions.

I will be 26 weeks pregnant tomorrow. How have I been doing? Heavy, achey, stretchy in the tummy and wobbly. Hungry? At times, and I try very very hard not to eat too much empty calories as my Dr says that 4 lbs of weight increase per month is good enough. I don't know, maybe this time am 5 lbs fatter cos I feel huge!

Some maternity clothes are in their last days use, can't stretch as much as my tummy anymore. The baby has been very merciless to me. Stretching and kicking as and when she pleases. Last night, she kept me up every hour while she was doing her aerobics and bhangra moves. I wonder if the cat could feel the kick as the cat had her head leaning against my tummy!

I just discovered something unique when pregnant:
1)that my tummy is a good 'dock' for putting post it notes when I am away from my desk or having a meeting while standing up.

2) that things would fall off my hand and onto the tummy before hitting the floor, so if I am fast, I could catch it and not have to bend down!

3) that my tummy can be a good cup holder.

4) that I put my dining napkins on my tummy instead of my lap, as the food falls onto my blouse on the tummy instead of the lap.

5) the laptop does not fit on my lap anymore...it gets pushed out by the belly.

6) the cats and kitten love sitting/sleeping/perching on me when I sleep on my side as the belly makes my side wider. Most will end up on the side of my belly...like papasan chair.

7) my loafers that I did not wear for 5 months seem to be 1-2 sizes smaller!

Again, some say that I look like I am having twins, the husband also said the same thing (yes, I am bigger than the other lady who is due for delivery in 4 weeks!). But I am enjoying every moment of being pregnant, except for some discomfort I get while sleeping.

We did also receive some bad news about our friend who were about 28 weeks pregnant. The wife lost her baby boy at 28 weeks. Didn't know how it happened, its just fate. So she was at the hospital last week...I am sure it was an induced labor to remove the fetus. It is sad, as they bought the baby crib and clothes a week before this happened. Thats why I do not prepare for the baby until my 8th month of pregnancy due to this. All this is Allah's destine, I won't be certain that I will have this baby until I deliver and bring the baby home.

I shall try to coax myself to take an updated picture of my body 'bouy'. So stay tuned.

As days go by, I know that life will get better
Like I mentioned before, my emotions are like a roller coaster

For now, I have nothing to say except words of comfort for myself
I don't want to talk about what I feel for now, or how to solve my problem
All I want to do is to start over again and heal...
Maybe until school term starts

Till then...



Honesty by Billy Joel

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the only one that I depend on

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

It is not easy to eliminate and heal the hurt
Sometimes when I feel that I am okay,
It turns out that I am not okay
Alot of things will trigger the hurt.

The neighborhood around me
The school....school term is starting in a week
The situation will not be what it is giong to be
Of what I have always taken for granted for it to be.

A mom will always be a mom
She will never forget
She will still love her 'treasure no matter what
Her treasure will always be in her heart.

Hurt, I am feeling the hurt now...
But I have to be strong,
But...I am human after all...

BIG BIRD Nesting...

I still feel that I need more sleep. The jet lag is gone but I just could not seem to get enough sleep!
Since I got back from Singapore, I felt as if I have so much to do! We need to finish the border of the hardwood floor that we had installed before we went to Singapore, then we need to change the flooring in our humungous room before we start changing the bed and buying baby furniture.

Cleaning frenzy…am I starting to indicate the 'nesting' period already? I want the kitchen and the living room cleaned all the time! Can't stand clutter on the counter, the armoire or even the floor. Each time I see dishes in the sink, I would rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. The husband can't keep up with me cos I seem to have a sensor when there are dishes in the sink…one minute and dishes are in the dishwasher! But my room is still messy. Sorry to say this but it cant be helped as most of the stuff are NOT mine (geddit husband?). We plan to have a bigger bed and put the baby crib in our room. The daughter also said that she wouldn’t mind us putting an extra playard in her room just in case the baby wants to sleep with her (would mostly be the other way around).

Shopping frenzy…not that I have 're adopted' the shopping habit again, but when I came back, like I mentioned in my previous posting, I needed to replenish my makeup. Die die today I had to go during lunch. So I went to Sephora, first time buying my favorite makeup products under one roof at a place without persuasive sales people. I left the place happy, $55 poorer, but knowing that I have 2 more major products to buy still, excluding makeup brushes (wait till next week lah).

Back to how I look now….arrgghh! Some are asking how come I am not 'bloating' as they had expected. Well actually, my tummy has been growing but my face hasn’t. They wanted to see me grow all around, which I am blessed with the that kind of bloating resistance (for now). Some say that my tummy is huge, thinking that I am having twins. All I could say is 'Ohhhh, wait, I have 3 more months to go…hold on to your seats ok'.

Went to Benihana in Japantown last night for teppanyaki (where the chef cooks in front of the griddle for you). Wasn’t our first time there so we were not that excited to see the spatulas flying around and the onions turning into volcano. We just wanted our food! The funniest part was when there were birthdays for the patrons. They had the Japanese drums and sang the happy birthday song in japanese. You see, each time the drums were played, the baby started dancing and kicking! So there were up to 5 birthdays last night and by the time I was ready to go, the drums were going off right across our table…I could not take the shaking in me and we all ended up laughing.

Here's a lame...or the husband would say SUPER LAME song/video from Barry Manilow. I love Barry and there's nothing you can do about it :)

Glad its Wednesday. The sun is melting the fog in the city. Happy Hump Day!

I did miss San Francisco after being away for at least 4 weeks.

The cool weather, the peace in my neighborhood and the half empty malls here. No trampling of people trying to get the same sutff as I do, no one cutting my line when I am lining up for food, and cars here slow down for pedestrians (ahemm, besides the point that pregnant women walk slow).

Please do not get me wrong, I do love my country. But now I remember why I vowed to myself that I shall live far from home when I grow up. Even my favorite cousin says that I have the 'Most likely to stay abroad' tag pasted on my forehead since I was little. He knows me so darn well. And with the crisis that came upon me on my last visit, being away from home helps alot in terms of sanity and recuperation. Noone here to bother me, to say bad things in front of me (at least I wouldn't hear them) or even 'snatch' my precious things from me.

When Uja came to visit and we sat in Union Square itself drinking Diet Soda, it was scattered with tourists but the feeling was very serene, hearing the cable car running every minute and the bells ringing. We could sit there for hours with Uja repeating herself saying that its oh so beautiful here in SF and me kept saying 'Kau tak tinggal sini Uja, suma nampak wangi lah' ('you dont't live here Uja, everything looks beautiful here). But she still could not hide the truth that San Francisco is a beautiful city by itself.

If you dont like the crowd, then take the car and drive 20 more minutes to the cliffs and the beach. Our family's favorite place to sit and rot during the day, provided there's sun to keep us warm. Still bored? Lets go hiking, 10 more minutes of coastal driving and we're there to climb down and the cliff, explore the untouched beaches and then climb back up. (No wonder Ely's so fit eh? Still can climb and walk when shes oh so big now).

Let's snap back to reality. Ely and family has not finished unpacking...no we have not. Why? Cos we're too lazy and tired. Our first week getting back to work was such a joy to the husband and me...as long as we don't touch the luggage. Its Sunday now and what am I doing? We just watched an Alfred Hitchcock movie marathon since last night. The husband went to see a client who's selling his vintage car via eBay ($5k potential earning for us) and the daughter is rotting in front of the TV with pretzel crackers in her hands. No topic of the untouched luggages has been mentioned. In fact, the cats have been making the luggages their temporary bunk!

But I know that I need to update on my makeup...my foundation is almost at its last drip and the compact is sitting to its side container and the makeup brushes look more like used toothbrushes now. So this means that Ely needs to go shopping right? Just yesterday, I went for my haircut. My hairdresser was appalled to see my colored hair with split ends...she managed to cut the ends but still keep most of the length on my head. Looks so much better!

We have also found another halal buffet indian restaurant in San Mateo (15 minutes drive from our place). The food was heaven! Setting of the restaurant was also like heaven, siap dengan langsir and Bollywood dvd. Good place to bring Mak when she comes here in December.

Did I also mention that half of my maternity clothes are very fitting now? Yes, the baby just had growth spurts since I got home and she is kicking her way out of the maternity clothes. Eventhough I just gained 4 lbs from the trip, the baby surely is telling us that she had absorbed most of my food intake. So this means that I need to go get more clothes which I am violently resisting. I have 3 more months to go...I am so NOT going to spend more money on clothes that I am going to wear for a few more weeks. Oh wait! This reminds me that I DID buy a maternity pinafore when I was in Singapore...now i just need to go find it!

Now I feel that I need to sweep and mop the living room and the kitchen. Alah, malaslah...the cats are sleeping on the bed...maybe I should join them!

Things happen for a reason. Allah has His reasons to determine when this person needs to be tested, to make the person stronger? Or even to give inner strength to this person?

To me, every bad thing comes with something good. I have not seen it yet but I am a strong believer of it. That’s how I force myself to stay positive, to maintain the strength in me.

It does get harder when I have another soul in my body. Which means that healing takes longer time. To me, the process of healing is feeling the maximum hurt, cry about it, mourn over it…and then get over it slowly. But I can't allow the experience of maximum hurt due to my condition. And so the hurt gets intense gradually. Each stage of intense came with much tears.

I guess I have reached the maximum hurt and cry and I am coming to terms with it. I feel stronger, more positive and focused on how I am going to deal with this situation. Do you also believe that after the hurt comes anger? Thats seemed to have been happening too.

For now…at this moment, I feel at peace, that I am able to get into deep sleep since a few nights back. Alhamdulillah, may the strength always be with me and my precious family.

To readers out there who are going through healing for your own reason, I feel for you and you're not alone. Stay strong…its all from within you.

*************************************************************************

Readers, please do not worry for me. I am OK, I promise. I am getting stronger each day and I have promised myself that I have to think of happy things.

My baby is kicking harder each day. Maybe she wants me to be okay and happy as when I am happy, she is too. It hard when you are half dazed and quite not awake yet and have your tummy working like a tumble dryer!

My rendezvous with Uja? Heh...we get to meet up 3 days in a row, last night being our last supper together (pancakes, hashbrowns and eggs for dinner last night?). Shes flying to Vancouver right this very minute. She also had a day with Mas on Wednesday. Ran the juice out of my girl who was out of energy when I picked her up! But Mas had a great time with Uja. She said that she had never seen anyone as funny as Uja (which Uja said that she is no different from me!). Having Uja and Ajun (yes Ajun, you rock too babe!) here was a Godsend to me, like I had Nazrah when I was in Singapore. Great friends hard to find.

Anyway, here's my favorite song from my favorite band, Cake...my version of 'I will Survive'. You need to turn up the volume a little bit to hear the song.

I have an announcement to make. My daughter has updated her blog for the summer and she is seeking audience to comment on her blog.

Don't forget to visit her HERE.

*okay, ibu's amanah has been fulfilled hehe

Yes, I know that everyone's worried for me and I truly thank you for your concern. At least I know that I am in your hearts.

I told you that I would bounce back soon. I am on the way to emotional recovery, as the days progress, I tend to feel better.

Here's prove to say that I am better...Uja and me, last night, in San Francisco.

Haven't gotten enough of Uja yet, we're meeting again tonight and maybe tomorrow night before she returns to Vancouver.

I have returned to San Francisco.

Firstly, I would like to apologize to my blogger friends in KL and Singapore as I did not have the time to meet up with you guys as planned. I had my reason...

Actually, I came home with a heavy heart. Something beyond my control had happened and I am recuperating from it.

Since this is my journal, I know that I have every right to write whatever's in my heart. Not yet...time will determine my 'luahan' from my heart in this blog.

If you do not see me updating, I might have taken a break. InsyaAlah, I shall return when I am stronger.

ps - its not my baby, she is still going strong.