So I gave in, woke up feeling so emotional, just cos its Hari Raya. Its hard...when my son is there. I know I sound as if I am in denial, evasive but it hurts when I face it.

Before I went to work, I sat with Yaya in front of the computer, went to youtube.com and listened to Sanisah Huri's raya song. I was laughing and in tears at the same time. Laughing cos Yaya swayed back and forth as soon as she heard the song, she turned around and smiled at me in delight. Sad cos the picture of my son came into my head.

For 30 days I evaded this feeling, 30 days. But I had to give in right?

This doesnt mean that I will start listening to Raya songs again, I might.

Raya is in 2 days. How am I feeling? Hmm…I try not to think about raya as it can be depressing, thinking of my family back there and how fun it would be if we were there this very minute. Togetherness, that’s what I miss the most since I moved here.

Well, to begin, we have an Employee Engagement meeting on that day and I have to be in the office no later than 7:30 in the morning. Baru teringat nak masak lontong on that day. But that’s okay, I just shared with the husband that I will cook lontong the night before.

Nope, I have not been listening to ANY raya songs. Have not been listening to any Singapore radio. I just can't do it and have not been doing it since my son lives in Singapore 2 years ago.

But I do remember the time when we did celebrate raya when my son was here. We all had to go to work and school but we had a decent dinner for 4. I was very happy as I felt that my family was complete.

And I remember around this time when mak and bapak would be fighting over just about anything. Its called the annual raya gaduh. Must be the pressure of having to cook so many dishes in one day eventhough I was always known to be my mother's seus chef for raya.

And then we have our open house for our huge family. Yea, we cooked a lot for my 100 something odd multi generation relatives. It was nice…and beautiful.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all of you out there. Enjoy your family kat kampung or whereever they may be. And stay safe!

Maaf Zahir Batin...

Someone says that I need to update my blog more often so that she will know what is happening on my side of the world.

Sigh...nothing but alot has happened. Moved to a new office, not used to the slow foot traffic, my numbers hit the bottomest in history.

You see, when I wanted to move back to San Francisco, I had an ultimatum. Wealth or happiness, no compromise. I chose the latter cos I truly was not happy in the Daly City (yes, the office where my numbers boomed like fireworks). How can I not be happy when I am making all that money right? But I never fit in that office. This office is like family, the people I had been working with for the past 6 years. Of course my numbers and paycheck will hurt at least for the first couple of months. I was depressed, devastated cos I am going to hit rock bottom numbers and lose my Silver status. I was in total daze for the past few weeks until last weekend.

I was at home and had Suraya with me for 3 days...and I still wasnt happy cos I was clouded by my work stress. Then I thought. Money can't buy happiness, there is more to life than work, like this baby sitting in front of me longing for love.

So I snapped out of depression (for now!) and said to myself 'Screw it, I have a family to be happy with'. And my production got a little better I think....still will be the worst number ever but heck! this is my first month being in a new office.

Anyway, Raya is in a week. Sometimes that adds on to the depression. Miss my son, my family back home. Kak Jah will be cooking lontong for us on the 2nd day of raya. So I must go there at least to feel suasana raya.

I hope my twin will recover soon from her back ache. Kesian aku tengok kau...cepat sembuh ok.

Here's Yaya at the aquarium...

Current state of mind : Frustrated and stressed to the max!!!

New office has been wonderful but business has not. The company has clamped down on a lot of new business guidelines which makes selling to be very very tough. To make things worse, I was not credited on the production for some policies that I sold...6 of them. I threw a fit and demanded that they better pay me for this coming pay check.

I know...being in a new location can be trying for a business. It takes time. But I am not patient enough. No...I dont have the patience at all!!!

I keep telling the husband that maybe I dont need such stress right now. Maybe I shoud jusy stay home and vegetate and not think of work.

I am in a panic mode. If I dont make my numbers in 3 months, it would be time for me to say 'bye bye' and stay home eh? Some say that its better to get fired and claim unemployment than quit and not get unemployment.

Please ignore what I just typed...I am in an insanity state of mind.

I have finally adhered to my twin's and other girlfriends' advise...to go to the MAC Costmetic counter and get consulted by the overly made up sales people.

It was a quiet Sunday morning when I decided to drag the 2 girls to the mall to get makeup. So excited, not to get a makeover but to finally get a good makeup that will hide my tiny zits that I earned on my last days working at the old office. With age catching up, I do need a foundation and powder that can cover flaws and hold up, plastered to my face for at least 8 hours a day and hide my still populating freckles (YES, I do wear SPF moisturizer, if you need to ask).

20 minutes later, I spent some chunk of my dough on the makeup, I bought from a 'he/she whatever you call it' person. Whoelse could give me the best advise on beauty eh? I almost bought that goat hair foundation brush that costs US$44, but but but, I resisted temptation eventhough I am still thinking of buying it.

So now, no more wondering if my zits are covered, makeup still holding up after 6 hours cos I know that I still look like a doll at 4:30pm hahahaha!

Twin, you're not the only one telling to go to MAC, a few others did too and some of my friends even tried asking me to buy the goast haired brush!

Next mission...MAC goat haired brush and the 'Charged water revitalizing energy' spray.

Sometimes I think and wonder. No...MOST times I think and I wonder...have I really done something offensive to have pissed people off so bad that they would think its more worth it for them to ignore me? Hmmm...

I try not to think of such things, but each time when I do not think about it, that would be the first and the last thing I would think of during the day. I get irritated, cos people can would prefer to not deal with a problem and act as if nothing had happened but they would once in a while show signs at you that they actually do still have a problem with you.

I do not care who they can be in my life but such hyprocritism in turn has offended me so much that I would rather not have communications with them until they decide to talk about it.

Its not that I am being adamant or arrogant but it is very hard when I always try my best, my very best to heal matters with no bad conscience but it in turn comes back like a twisted knife stabbed on my back.

I am not a hypocrite, what you see in me, is what you get. If there is something that I could be offended over something, I usually talk about it and forget about it. I can be overly honest with my feelings that I tend to offend others too eh.

I am very tired of this. Maybe the problem will resolve my itself. All I want is truth and confronting with our feelings.

Will I offend anyone with this posting, I dont know, what can I say, I can still be considered offensive even if I didnt mention anything.

Twin, manerlah kau dah menghilang....I miss you!

Salam Ramadhan to everyone!!!

How do I cope with Ramadhan being away from home? I am talking about coping emotionally during this time. You see, the husband knows that when Ramadhan comes and is almost going, I would get weird, like something would possess me and I would get weepy, sad, sensitive and all. After being married for 7 years, he totally understands my emotional roller coaster around this time.

One way for me to cope with Ramadhan and Syawal when I am away from home?
- I do not listen to any Raihan songs
- I do not listen to Singapore malay radio channel
- Thats cos I do not want to listen to raya songs
- Which will make me feel weepy 'to the max' (now I am sounding like Arifah my niece)
- We break our fast privately at home and go to Kak Jah's house for raya (I am in charge of her cili kering and ikan bilis or she threatens to not cook for us)


I know, do I sound evasive yet? Its better to be that way then thinking of home, Geylang, ketupat, bazaar, kueh, bubur masjid...adoi! Air bandung time buka puasa pun sedap eh!!!