And life moves on...
Sorrow one day and happy the next. I have to do that keep myself sane. I know I have people around me who relies on my positive energy.

I have a wish. To have my son here soon. Things have been in a disarray lately. Something happened and my son's intention to come visit SF was 'sidetracked'. It was noone's fault...noone's at all. Maybe we all tried too hard to make things better but it turned out to be otherwise.

I have been coaxing my son...to come see me. I miss him so so much that it hurts. It hurts everyday from the fact that he is away from me. Everyday it hurts. I have never seen all my 3 kids in front of me.

I did my second coaxing already. I would do the third and fourth whatever I can do to let him know that ibu wants to see him badly.

All I can do is hope and pray to Allah, for Him to show me my son soon.

But you know, if he really is not coming soon, I will still love him no matter what.

I keep telling myself
That things will be okay...
It will be okay
But.....................

I am not sure now
I try and I try
I save everyone's feelings
But....................what about my own feelings?

I protect, I am sensitive, I forgive,
But does anyone care how I feel?
Or are their feelings more important than mine?


I would do anything for the ones I love
Would they do the same for me? For my sake?
Or are their feelings more important than mine?

Do I really matter?

Sigh......I do not know

Is this going to be a 'venting' blog entry? I really dont know.

Past weeks had been a daze to me. From trying to keep the whole family back to the pink of health to trying to make my numbers in this slow economy.

At the same time, I had a fallout with my former sales team from my previous office. She accused me of stealing her prospect, who is my current customer. To make the story short, she accused me of being a liar and that I was that desperate for my numbers that I would steal anything to get it. It was okay if she called me a liar (which I am bad at doing so, you can call me whatever you want) but of her accusing me of stealing to get my numbers? I dont know, as much as I have tried so very hard to shrug it off but heck...that was some hurtful statement that she had thrown at me.

She mentioned that if I were her friend, I would not steal from her. But then, if she were my friend, she would have given my customer my current phone number and not go ahead and made the sale for herself no? I didnt say that last statement to her as I was too busy defending myself with the accusation. I am just not good with 'sudden shot' comebacks. But in the end, the customer did get in touch with me and ended up buying second insurance from me.

Sometimes I wonder, when does a friend really become a friend? When does a friend just turn her back on you and stab you in the front?

I guess I will NEVER find out. Life's like a box of chocolates remember? You will never know what you're going to get.

For now, I still could not believe that she had said that to me.

The voice disappeared and returned. Lets see what tomorrow will bring. Enough of being sick at home for 4 days. Time for me to smell the air and get back to work (dangit!).

I keep telling everyone that I am looking for another job. Sigh..I do love my job but I just cant stand the pressure. With my baby growing, I just do not want to miss a heartbeat of her growth and I know that I will.

And sometimes I feel that I do not need this crappy pressure thinking of my stupid job when I should just enjoy my kids as they grow.

Believe me, I have been looking 'main main' at Yahoo hotjobs. Hmmm, I do qualify to be a banker, just add Life and Annuity license and I am good to go, but they also have sales quota. I can be an insurance account manager, an underwriter (again!), an insurance sales manager and maybe a well qualifed housewife hahaha. I know I am not a quitter but who knows kan?

Last night I dreamed that I was trying to ride a bicycle up a steep hill. Berangan aku nak naik basikal tinggi2 hahaha. I managed to cycle part of it but then I started dragging the bike. And then a friend (hes a top rep in northern california) came with his white van, picked me up and my bike. Was that an omen? That he will help me with my fortune? I emailed him today and told him about my dream. He said that he surely has been thinking of me pass couple of days but no fortune to pass to me yet...aiyah!

Anyway, insyaAllah, Allah must have an agenda for me...I just have a good feeling about it. Maybe slowly but surely...who knows!

What am I doing at home on a Monday morning when I am supposed to be at work?

I am swarmed with the cold again...and I thought I had fought it successfully.

I dont fall sick too often. But not this year, maybe due to age (pffftt!) and stress level.

Got a bad cold 2 weeks ago and thought I was done for the season. It came back Friday night from work, on my way to the car. The 'ah chooo' did not stop from there.

I have taken 3/4 bottle of 'daytime' Tylenol, nothing has happened yet.

Now...all I need is rest, which is a sinful rarity when you have Yaya in the house thinking that mommy's home to be with her.

I have a client to meet at 7pm tonight. At least I know that I am selling something even when I am not at work.