Sometimes I thought that things could just be forgotten....easily
But it isn't so
Sometimes I thought that things could just jump back up to normal as if nothing happened
But it isn't so

The hurt, the pain, the sorrows the betrayal, the intrusion
All of the above are not even enough to describe how the heart feels.

Do I think that one day things will get better?
I really don't know
With so much feelings hurt and trust broken
It will be a long while...a long while.

This is the hurt of a mommy who feels violated
A mommy who use to trust everyone in the world...but is finding a hard time doing so now.

She's eating!!!

She will be 4 months this Friday and guess what? She has started eating solids!

Suraya has a hefty appetite. Nothing wrong with that but Mak says that she is drinking 6 ozs of milk and is always hungry. So on Saturday, I have decided to 'test run' and see if she is ready to accept solids. So here's the new mommy who went to target and got her her own bowls, baby spoons, some cereal and some packed Gerber mashed fruits like Applesauce, Pears and Sweet Potatoes.

We got home, sat her on her rocker and tried feeding her some applesause, she took it like a charm! No spit outs, no gagging. She opens her mouth and swallows the half spoonfuls of applesauce. I say that she is truly ready to start solids! I was so excited that I could not sleep on Saturday night thinking that my baby has grown!

Suraya had some cereal yesterday at 10am and a little bit of applesauce at 5pm. She seems to be taking solids pretty well...I am so proud of her!

Yessss, Ely has been frustratingly busy that she almost was in distress yesterday. Luckily there is this process called 'scream, yell, kick and jump' that made me feel better this morning.

I am getting into the groove of the super fast pace of the office (and getting pulled on many sides) and the fast pace of having a baby at home. There were times when I felt such a failure, underachieved as all I had been doing were doing things for others. But like I said, that abovementioned process worked really well for me and now I have been feeling more refreshed...or maybe cos the management was not in the office today (but boss managed to find me on MSN somehow) and tomorrow and I get to concentrate on other stuff.

In the meantime, Suraya has learned yet another new skill yesterday that is..eating her favorite book that Alya had given to her when she was born. She loves her cloth book that each time we read to her this book, she would coo with us, reaches for the book and puts it in her mouth. Her new motto 'If you like it, eat it!! If u restrain her hands from holding the book, she found another way, to lean forward and put her mouth to the book! It is almost comical to see her do that hehehe. Of course apart from this book, she has few other books that Alya had given her and some others that we rotate reading to her. We have ordered more books online and I can't wait to see her library collection grow!




Kakak Mas has also bonded beautifully with her litle sister. Each time kakak Mas comes home from school Suraya would get so excited as her sister loves to amuse her with dancing, making her dance too, ticking her and talking to her. It warms my heart each time I see that. Such genuine and relationship, my 2 girls bonding and my Mas having another sibling...all over again. She now feels that she is not lonely anymore.




Needless to say about the husband, he is the professional daddy in SF now. He is Suraya's favorite man in her life, like me hehehe. Suraya loves being with her daddy and gets really excited when her daddy returns from home as thats her time with daddy. But sometimes paps/daddy has to rotate his attention between his little girls as on Tuesdays, he takes Mas to guitar lessons and waits on her till shes done and also takes her on her regular CD shopping at Amoeba Records (as ibu does not like to do CD shopping, thats paps' department!). The husband has done a great job, such a wonderful husband, such a wonderful daddy/paps.



Did I hear someone asking about my Mak? Of course she's still here! She never gets enough of Suraya. Dare I repeat this again, that she has been such a blessing to us for being here. My mak will always be that beautiful, peaceful and non invasive favorite lady in my life. Mak and I could talk for hours without end, just talking about tv shows, food, cooking, gossip...anything. I love mak so much.

Oh and I need to say something important before I pen off...SALUTE TO THE MAKERS OF FOOTLESS BODY SHAPERS. These non living creatures are the super thick hosieries that really tucks your post pregnancy tummy and smoothens your hopelessly teruk/koyak and thunder thighs to fool others making them think that I have lost that last 10 lbs that I had to. If not for them, I might still be walking around in my work pants looking like a deflated balloon!

Aaaaah, what wonders can garlic pills do to you? They're perfect anti oxidants for me, helped me pull through the cold in 24 hours.

Work has been crazy. The move will be in 1.5 months and I am being pulled in all directions. I am being briefed on how to run this new office (HR wise, function wise) and in the meantime, picking up new service function skill in the office so that I could be an 'all rounder' leader and at the same time still doing some work for the boss. YES...I sometimes get into a daze at the end of the day.

In the meantime, Suraya has learned to do the flip!!! I called mak today and she said that this little munchkin flipped twice. Now I can't wait to get home and see this!

Glad its Saturday tomorrow. I badly need to go to the hair salon to retouch my roots and get my hair trimmed. I have been having my hair pulled back in a pony tail just so that the grays will not show.

In the meantime, I keep staring at the window...oh how beautiful it is outside. But I am still in here working.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!

Now I am having a cold. Chills down my spine since last night. It could be my body getting adjusted to ther changes. But another co worker called in sick...could it be a bug? I don't know but I wonder why the heck I am in the office when I am not feeling well? Maybe not for too long. I might have to go home to recover.

Ely seldom falls sick...maybe this time Ely has admitted defeat!!!

Sigh...

I finally have the time to blog...from work.

Sigh...the pressure is starting to hit me now. Pressure starting from work, to baby and looking for the perfect daycare/babysitter for Suraya.

From trying to finish my chores in the morning to coming home and finishing even more chores. The past few nights, we have been visiting daycares after work, sometimes spending up to 45 minutes at each daycare just to interview the care provider, lots of things to look at, inspect and consider in every aspect. Getting the hunch that the particular daycare is the right one for Suraya can be tiring. BUT finally, we have found a daycare that is up the hill, only a block away from home.

At the same time, pressure at home can be domineering. Having mak taking care of Suraya is such a blessing. But you know, most times, I have to make sure that my mom is very well taken care of and I have to control what I feel most times. Don't take me wrong, mak has been wonderful. Its just that, I have to tone down with my bad attitudes.

I think since I gave birth, I do not have time to relax, emotionally...in the sense of not having to visit or see anyone and let me hang loose, with my bad attitudes and laziness, you know what I mean?

I am not regretting of having my beautiful baby. I am loving each and every moment being a new mother again and also having a companion relationship with Mas, but sometimes, I wish I am given the chance to not have to put up a face (like putting a prop on my face) in meeting someone or visiting anyone for a long period of time...it is really tiring. Its like making everybody happy except myself.

But I shall recover. I'll get my positive zen back...I hope.

1st day at work

Me and my sippy cup

My first day at work was yesterday. How did it go eh?

It was a mixed feeling at first. Well, a sad feeling when I nursed Suraya in the morning. I cried...told Suraya that Mommy wouldn't be around to take naps with her during the day and she MUST drink from the sippy cup. But that's okay, Ely could cry only once and the day goes on yes?

Can't believe the 1001 things that I need to do from now on before I head out to work. Feed the baby, take a shower, get dressed, put on make up, feed the cats, give Tuco his diabetis jab, pump milk, get sippy cups ready, feed Suraya again, put on shoes and go to work! Yes, alot of things to do!

But as soon as I left home and took the train, I started to feel rejuvenated...I could not explain the feeling. Happy that my life is semi back to normal, with my own friends and career, sad to leave Suraya but in good hands of mak. As I get closer to work, I get the adrenaline rush. Yes, you guys might think that I am crazy, for missing work. But I did! It felt so good to be back.

Its hard being popular...now I know how Britney Spears feels hahaha. Seemed like everyone missed me, from the Credit Union Bank (needed to get money mah), to the Engineering guys, to the cafeteria ladies, to the boss and of course, my co workers. I turned on my work MSN and boom....I get up to 10 instant messaging, some even as far as in Livermore (60 miles from SF) to welcome me back. To add on to the warm welcome, I was given a promotion in December (I was the last one to know about this, duh) and given another raise yesterday. So not bad, 2 raises in one day. Happy? Well, I felt that the promotion was long overdue. Raises? Since I don't pay the bills, I might not know the difference, but when the husband tells me how much MORE I would be able to spend, then I can feel happy, am I making sense? hehehhe...

Pumping milk in the office was not difficult. Twice a day 2 bags full. I think it is such pleasure being able to provide milk for my baby eventhough I am busy at work reading 200 unread emails. If you can't deal with the unread emails, just hit 'delete', hows that???

The day ended to be very hectic too. It felt soooooooo good to have Suraya in my arms again. She looked so glad to see me as well and heck, she was immediately latched onto the 'milk machine' the minute I got home. It felt so heartwarming having my baby stare at me after the feed and smiled at me in appreciation.

Since my mom was so pooped out from taking care of this chunky baby, I took the honors of cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and while dinner was simmering, the husband and I and the baby took off to Target to get Suraya's essentials. Well, it started with just getting her diapers, then came the wipes, then a new bathtub, then sun hat, sunglases, spring time shoes and a couple of toys for her. Isn't it great to dress up little girls? They're still too young to say that they do not like what we got them hehehe.

Its almost 5am now, guess what? I woke up at 2am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am, ready to start my day again.

Where did I get the energy from? Thanks to the Dark Roast Coffee at the Cafe which caffeined me out yesterday morning...I am ready for more!

Its all about timing...

AlFateha to my beloved friend's, Nazrah's, mom who passed away on Friday, 3/2/07. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat Allahyarhamah, InsyaAllah.

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Taken 3 days ago at 6am, both in our robes :)

The time has come...for me to return to work in a few days, waaaaaaaaah!!! Oh so tidaaaaaaaaak!!!

I have been away from work since November last year. Oh what a wonderful time it had been. I had time to relax and slum before Suraya was born. I had the time to just do nothing at all.

After Suraya was born, I can say that I did quite a whole lot...let me see :

Delivery - Hello? That was the reason why I am away from work anyway yes? And that the reason how the following actions came about. Epidural is the best invention in the whole wide world.

Breastfeeding - Allah's greatest gift to humans, the breast milk. I am sooooooo happy to be able to feed Suraya with my own manufactured milk shake. Suraya is almost 15 lbs just by drinking my milk. The top shelf of the freezer is stuffed, almost full with my milk. She still has not taken on the bottle...but she is happily...yes happily drinking from the sippy cup (no choice! she has to drink). I will be lugging the electric breast pump to and from work everyday in order to keep giving Suraya milk. Let's see how long this will last!

Travel - We went to Florida, Reno, Napa and even Santa Cruz after she was born. Went to tonnes of buffet restaurants and numerous trips to the sushi bar/restaurants.

Visitors - We had 3 distinctive visitors, one before Suraya was born. We had Emi, Abang Wan and Mak whos still here. AND we were visitors to my father in law, grannies in law, cousins in law and mother in law. I say that the baby has truly brought the whole family closer.

Got fixed? - Yes...after delivery comes the fixing part. We (I really wouldn't mind one more kid but..) had decided that our production factory will be officially closed. Bye bye Size 1 Huggies Diapers...forever and bye bye birth control pills. Whoever's thinking of an alternate tubal ligation, look up Essure...no incision, no anaesthesia.

Let me talk more about getting myself fixed. Yes like I said in the earlier paragraph, I really wouldn't mind another baby but senses tell me that my body is done in this department. Dah lah, dah tua rasanya, compared to when I had a baby some 13 years back. But like I told the husband, getting myself irreversibly fixed brings a sad feeling to me...which means that I will be forever barren. Its like this in humans don't you think? Sometimes you still want to make a choice 'just in case' you change your mind. But oh well, I will be 35 this year...I think I need to concentrate on letting my kids blossom to beautiful adults and menopause in some 20 years or so hahaha!