The birthday came and went. In the midst of this holiday and extremely cold season...quite a bit has happened in my household.

Seems like Suraya has turned into a bigger tyrant since she turned one. Hmmm..she had learned to crawl out of bed, feet first and onto the ground to peek under our bed to look for cats and whatever kind of garbage that she might be able to find under there. Most times, she would look at us with garbage in her hands, smiling happily.

Is she walking yet? She refuses to 'tateh' (train to walk by holding our hands) but instead, she would stand on her own and walks a couple of steps before calling it a day, and I really mean, she would not do it until the next day. Can't rush babies nowadays, let her do what she wants. I am in no rush to run after runaway babies!

With the husband picking up evening shifts, this means that he goes to work as soon as or a few hours after I get home from work. We do not get to communicate with each other as much as before and yes...I do miss him alot. But hey...this means that we do not get the chance to argue as much hahaha!

Moving to a new office for me has been a blist. To tell you the truth, I did not miss my old work place as I have been so busy adapting to this new sales position. You can find this insurance sales job as tough as you want it to be. Currently, I am starting this job back as an underwriter, talking to customers BUT, I get to make them my prospect customers and so far, I have had 5 in my list. I do not have problems convincing people to buy insurance from me, if i see them face to face BUT but but, I have problems calling customers to sell insurance. Sigh...I shall not be selling until March. Now is my training, and I have another 4 week sales class that I have to go to before starting to sell and wreck my brains.

Moving to a new office also means that I get the priviledge to send Kakak Mas to school every morning. 15 minutes of having just me and her int he car has been priceless for me and her. Thats the only time that we can communicate in peace. She has been such a good daughter to me and I would never 'exchange' her for anyone else at the mall (hahaha).

So there...lots of things happening in this little house.

Here are pics from munchkin's birthday...

Thank you Alya, Uncle Sam and Auntie Sal for giving Suraya a surprise birthday visit :)

A year has passed
A year ago when this little munchkin was born
How much she has changed our lives


She is full of love
Full of laughter
Full of fun

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SURAYA EILEEN!!!

I can't believe that I am here again, pen it while I can eh?

I just asked this question in my Facebook page. 'Are you an idealist or a realist?' This question is now triggering me to blog about it.

I admit that I started off being an idealist. How can I be shameless about it? Cos if I wasn't an idealist, I would not be married to my husband who lived 6,000 miles away from me who was of totally different religion than me and who was a total bachelor who never had kids. Hmmm...maybe the husband was being such an idealist until he married me and the kids moved in hahahahaha...then the REALITY struck!

After having gone through a marriage status twice (of being divorced and remarried to another man, that is), gone through a migration (never thought I would have done this!), through a job change (of the same nature) and then another huge major job change that will happen 1 week from Monday...I realized that in order for us to achieve our ambitions, we should make it real.

It took me 17 years...yes 17 years, to be able to take this huge step of diving in to the insurance business knowing that I will do very well. The thought of working on 100% commissioned basis is not an ideal thought especially when I have kids to support, rent to cover and bills to glide us through month by month. But I know that there is nothing to lose but alot to gain.

My 'trial introduction' to selling insurance was based on the reponses of my acquaintances...the chances of them trusting me to sell them auto and home insurance. 90% says 'lets get on with it'...some says 'ok I want to switch to your company ASAP' and some says 'I want to be your first customer'. It was positively overwhelming....and my business plan grew...and grew. And then I get my 'punk' friends saying that 'Nah, I don't like your company, it sucks!' or 'I just switched from your company to another cos of a claim problem', thats a challenge and what makes me think that I can't change their minds?

The manager of the office that I will be moving to was happily surprised that I am jumping into this 'sales' arena. He likes me alot as we have worked together when my boss was in the Gulf fulfilling his military duties. I was told by the HR personnel that up to 30 resumes were received...alot came from existing sales rep achievers...but this manager picked me. Of course, I had to EARN this position. The 2 hour interviews and simulation sales interview were not easy. But I nailed it!

So...can I divert to be an idealist for just a few seconds? I would like to be a sales achiever (that is, achieve a sales Club) in 12 months, buy a home and maybe get that dream car of mine (not telling you what it is!).

Maybe I am right, in order to be a realist, you have to be an idealist!!!

Tip : sometimes when you feel that you have no confidence to achieve a task, just puff your chest up, think and know that you can do it and say 'You have to be AGGRESSIVE!!!'. Still have problems doing that? Message me, I'll help ya :)

Been a while since I last updated my blog. If only I had the computer time to update my blog. the thing is, each time I am in the midst of updating, I get interrupted by the little munchkin demanding attention. By the time I get back here, my blogging moods vanished. So lets try this one more time....uninterrupted.

Not too much happened since my last post. Boring life eh? One more week before I move to another office. I shall miss my co workers very much but at the same time excited on what I am going to undertake.

2 more weeks and Suraya will be one. I think she is about 25 lbs now, with 7 teeth. I could see a shadow of another tooth at the bottom, threatening to appear.

I think I have most another 5 lbs last week. But I am not sure if I have gained it back during Thanksgiving! 17 lbs of turkey for Thanksgiving, just for the husband, Kakak Mas and me to eat and we still have abt 3lbs of roasted turkey meat left in the fridge. The husband did a great job in slow cooking the turkey. Juicy and very very tasty!!!

Here are updated pics of my jewels in life...

Remember the South Beach Diet that I was on 2 years ago...before I got pregnant? I am on it again. Since Suraya is eating more solids now, I feel that it is time for me to start my dieting and still breastfeed.

I have lost almost 10 lbs since I started 10 days ago. Happy? well, I did not lose as much as when I first started 2 years back where I lost 13 lbs in 2 weeks. But thats okay. Baby fats are taking baby steps to melt. The last time, I could feel the 'babats' around my waistline melting, this time, I feel the hips melting. The waistline? Well, it got saggy-er (ya know, after the pregnancy and all). I know I can't bring the stepper upstairs from the garage as the crib has taken it place. This means that I will walk during lunch for 45 minutes after lunch.

Getting back on the diet was not as difficult as 2 years ago. No sugar/carb withdrawal symptoms...I just bounced off the walls when I cheated last night, eating baked beans! The keropok has only 7 gms of carb if I ate one huge one. I need to stop this!

I know I have a looooooooong way to go. I want to lose at least 20 more lbs, in 2 months? I don't know...maybe.

Oh you might be asking, how do I maintain the milk supply and pump 2x a day while at work? V8, the vegetable juice did it for me. YUMMY!!!!!!!

This has not happened to me in a long long time. I am never an impulsive buyer. Okay, I was a shopoholic but quit since I met the husband (thanks to him??).

I was on a rolld yesteday, had this $45 off coupon at my favorite women's clothes store, on every $90 I spend...cool right? Yea...the husband was very nervous before I left as I do have the potential of doing more damage.

Got my clothes, went to Macy's and was 'bowled over' by 2 things...a pair of BCBG flatties which are oh so gorgeous and a pair of Steve Madden oh so comfy sherpa boots. Should I get the flatties that I will wear for work, or the sherpa boots that will keep my feet oh so warm when I am out at nights and weekend in the winter? OR..both?

Went home, could not take my mind off of the dilemma. I dreamed of the flatties! Thats it I thought, I shall go to Macy's and buy them flatties and the husband could get me the sherpa boots.

Aaaaah, I am a proud owner of them BCBG flatties...40% off, cant beat that! Sherpa boots...$39, anyone could buy that for me hmmm???

So my birthday came and went...life goes on like any other birthdays.

I have 5 more weeks before migrating to another office. YES...I got the sales job, but not at my office, at another office in the same company that is just 8 minutes drive away. One big advantage of working with my boss, I know the managers in this office.

It was hard earned...this sales job. I was interviewed...or should I say intterogated for 2 hours? And then another simulated insurance sales over the phone followed by an hour of phone interview right after. In short, if you do not know insurance, do not even hope to be considered. My contender at that time was a Sales and Marketing Associate, a person who markets the company's products everyday and me? An underwriter who knows the features of the product inside out with strong (ahemm) qualities. I gave them 200% during the interview. I hate interviews, they depress me, especially when I want the job REALLY BAD. After a span of 3 weeks of such interviews and they needed half a week to decide, I was given the job! Happy...happy giler! I knew I earned it (although the fact is that, I know the managers real well too but I know I was not givent any slack in this selection).

My boss was at first happy for me, but not happy when they wanted me to start with the new office in 2 weeks. No way...the boss says. Firstly, he had to find another person to manage my office, I would need to train this person...boss needs to take back his tasks (he's super spoilt) and redelegate to the new managers and he thinks...I repeats, thinks that I should be ready to go. We both promise that we would remain good friends forever (we went though a lot of office crap together.

One thing for sure...if not cos of my boss...I would not be who I am now. He had created a monster ...eh no...a strong person out of me. Ambitious and directive and not take nonsense from anyone and best of all, to go for what I think I deserve. I never fail to tell everyone at work that my boss is such a good friend to me (though some say that I am his pet, oh well).

Back to the new office, 8 minutes drive away from home, on the way to work, I could drop kakak Mas at school and on my way home, pick the munchkin up from the sitters house. Perfect? I could go home for lunch too!

Happy birthday to me…
Happy birthday to me…

I knew that my co workers will get a cake for me, but did not expect them to get cupcakes! I love cupcakes, they're so pretty that I had to take a picture before I devour one.

35…that’s how old I am today. I feel old…but then age is just a number, which can be untrue as when I touched 30, my knees tend to squeak, BADLY!

When I was 34, I only had 2 kids and was an underwriter. Within a year, I had another beautiful child, got promoted and then another good paying job in 30 days! MasyaAllah, Alhamdulillah…rezeki Allah.




Hopefully when I reach 36, I would have been an achiever in my insurance sales career. Oh and I will move office too…the office will be about 8 minutes drive away from home!

Who says that we can't raya like back home?

It was wonderful and fantabulous. Our first visit was to Sharun's house. Delicious food and mostly, we were very glad to have met up with Sharun and family again. How fast her 4 kids have grown! Thank you so much for having us at your house Sharun and Ridhwan!

Next was at kak Jah's house. Kak Jah is known as the 'mother' to the younger generation in the Bay Area dan kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya. She caters malay food and invites us to her house many time a year. It was our family's loss for not having visited her as often as we actually should.

I met more malay Singapore friends. And I think I found a couple of friends who live in the Peninsula that migth become my partners in crime *winks*.

As for mak, she has made quick acquaintances with Kak Jah, who is begging for her to visit her again when she comes back to SF and Kak Ann, who is doing the same thing.

Alhamdulillah, it was a nice day for us yesterday...now we have 2 more days to be with mak.

Its been...

quiet and peaceful. We're reaching the final week of Ramadhan but it has been that way, since the 1st day of Ramadhan...thats what mak says.

No Geylang, no shopping to buy new carpet, clothes, shoes, bags except having to make kueh tart and some cookies and cook a big meal for raya and for our raya visitation on that first day.

Naturally, Eid is not a national holiday here. Luckily, it falls on a Saturday which means that we could visit our malay friends after Eid prayers in the morning.

I thought mak would be homesick thinking about home during this time...but she had proved me wrong. She says that she feels peaceful...that she does not have to think of having to go to the market during the raya rush, and think of stuff to do for Raya. But she surely is excited to meet up with Sharun's and Kak Jah's family on the 1st day of raya as she had bought 6 empty tubs to pack the cookies that she will be baking.

It surely has been nice experiencing Ramadhan with mak...someone who is as peaceful as this miracle month of Ramadhan.

I thought I could resist from listening to Raya songs. I played the songs for mak. She suddenly sprang up from the sofa and directed me to hang the curtains in our rooms. Such Raya songs can turn a docile mak to a directive one...regardless of wherever she could be. (I peeked into the living room...mak is eating Doritos with a remote control in her hand...shes 10% americanized!).

First tune of lagu Raya...I cried. I think of home. I think of my sister, bapak, my nieces and my precious son. During this time if I was there, we would be roaming Geylang, me being so fascinated by the people spending their precious money.

My son, I miss my son the most during this time. This time last year, I was very pregnant and was a total wreck when I heard Raya songs. I always wonder how he celebrated Raya without his family. We all think of him here.

To all Muslim friends out there...Eid Mubarak!!! Maaf Zahir Batin...

Introducing the husband's Asian 60's pop music Website on myspace.com. Let me tell you what is so different about this website. This is how a westerner (like the husband) values our Asian 60's music in his perspective...videos and MP3 songs included.

Yes, I am one of the guilty (but I don’t feel guilty) ones who take the music history for granted. I do not care for such music. In fact, I am so ignorant about it that the husband knows more about our past music industry than a born Malay Singaporean like me.

This website covers the Asian 60's music in a broader form…which means it does not just cover Singapore Malay music but also the Chinese and music from Indonesia and Japan.

The husband has over 3.5k of friends on his myspace account and it is growing. It is his love and passion for music on my side of the world (hes a talking music encyclopedia) and this website is built out of love. If you're into Pop Yeh Yeh or Japanese GS music…click on here .

In the meantime...here are the girls!!!

BLOG PART I

I owe an apology to alot of people. My online friends, my offline friends, my acquaintences and people who think of me alot in their everyday lives. But this apology will be of one common reason.

I am sorry for neglecting my friends, online, or offline. I know, I do email my friends out of the blue, apologizing for not keeping in touch, sorry for not calling to say hello as I usually do not have the chance to pick up the phone with the baby in my arms. Sorry for not being on the online messenger enough to even know how you guys are doing...especially to my beloved twin, Makcik Hope. But I think of you all the time and miss you alot.

For me, once I get home is like being in another part time overnight job...of being a 'booby mommy'. Suraya would want no other than me as soon as I walk through the door. She eats when we eat dinner, in her high chair, and then she would start whining asking for me to hold her till she falls asleep....sigh! I also try my very best to be with Kakak Mas just so that she knows I am not ignoring her. Thanks to Mak, who keeps Kakak Mas company when Ibu has to adhere to Suraya's demands to lay in bed in the bedroom. Yes, I am still wondering how I managed to get that Insurance license if my time is so limited for myself!

I know that I might have offended some friends for being very very distant since time began...but it is never my intention to ignore you guys and if I did, I am so sorry and would not dream of losing your friendship.

In the meantime, Ely's career might hit a pit stop for now...some 'detour' needed to be made. I might end up doing sales in another region of the company. Nothing negative but positive.

Here is Kakak Mas' latest picture. She does not like this picture but I had to tell her over and over again that she looks beautiful.

BLOG PART II

It has been 6 years...
7 years of knowing you.

How fast time flies
People say times flies by fast when you're having fun
Yes...I do have fun alot of fun having my life with you
We share the same pain, laughter, and secrets and are never afraid to share

Thank you for being my best friend
and I LOVE YOU!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY...September 23rd 2007

You'd never believe until you see it. Suraya loves broccoli and brussel sprouts. Maybe the soft greens massages her gums which is swollen with the 4 incoming teeth.

Suraya was caught with fever for a few days and refused to eat for 2 days. She is eating very very little now, still refusing to be spoonfed. She loves to feed herself...which was how this picture came about.

Kakak Mas is coming along perfectly in school. Shes getting some of her brother's teachers who unsurprisingly could recognize her by her last name and looks. She is learning to hang out with her school friends on Fridays after school, which I strongly encourage...and we treat the friends for dinner when we see them at the mall.

In the meantime, I have REDISCOVERED the beauty of 'mandi gayung'. I caught mak taking a bath with the scoop cos she was in the shower for only 5 minutes. So I asked,'Mak mandi gayung ker?' and she said yes. I have forgotten the beauty and relaxation of mandi gayung. Sedaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!

Its time to update. I have nothing but so much to talk about.

I have been doing alot of thinking lately. My stand to accept the new job still stands strong. I was asked to draft a sales plan...and I have been working on it for the past week. Plan, on who would be my target (please don't run away from me friends who live close to me hahaha) and what kind of marketing I could do to promote my company and business. My mind is always thinking, churning new ideas. Some of the ideas, I hold back from my sales co worker friends, cos they might steal my ideas!

I have learned a few ropes on how to speak to insureds and cross selling them, without being pushy. A natural tactic thats in me. So far, I managed to convince 2 customers to get a quote for another product. I am practicing my skills and then referring them to my close co worker...more business for her. She better not forget me when its my turn!

I have a few months to go before I go for the class. I am using all this time to make contacts with some embassies that our company have business with. So far, so good. Believe it or not, I am joining the PTA (Parent Teacher Association) for Kakak Mas' school. Uh huh, even the husband was like 'what?'. One way to network, while being a pro active parent.

Back home, its the long long Labor Day weekend. I took Friday off which means that I am having a 4 day weekend...with the family. Suraya has been ever so demanding. She is having 4...yes 4 teeth descending from her upper gums. 2 are trying to cut through, 2 more trying hard to do the same. She does not to be spoonfed but prefers finger foods like peaches, pears and keropok for meals.

Her 9 month check up is this Friday, lets wait and see what Dr Ananda will say about her this time.

Here's the munchkin, trying to play with daddy's camera!

Decision, decision, decision....sometimes it can be hard to make...but if given more thought it might not be that hard after all. And so I have decided.

I have decided to continue my career with my present company. I had done my research if I were to become an agent with 2 other different companies against becoming one for my own company. Weighing out the pros and cons, I picked my company for so many reasons.

One advantage is that, my product for my company, being an underwriter, I know the product inside and out. I know where to get leads and generate them...and I somehow have a teeny little client base..based on my servicing jobs to our customers, namely the embassies.

My boss was pleasantly surprised of my intention. Cos he has never seen me sell. I knew that would be the first thing he would say to me. But he says that I know my stuff very well to pass the chance. Look...who would want to pass earning at least $100k a year? If I can be an average performing agent, thats how much I will be earning. But he is willing to let me try. I will enter the position without having to go for interview (he already plucked my brains) and IF I decided to not be an agent again, I shall get my job back with the company.

**My co workers who are reading this, please do not break the news till the boss decides to OKAY?????**

So I will not start selling til January. Prior to that, I shall attend the sales class again, while looking for a person to fill up my current position. I am now keeping my eyes and ears open, watching the agents' every move...as tips.

I am doing all this for my family, my kids. I know that my kids deserve better. I know that I have made the right decision, insyaAllah, it will stay that way.

Its been a while again since the last one. Been busy...but now I am bored...why???

Cos I went for my state exam and I passed!!!!!!! I am a licensed insurance agent now!!!!

If only you know how nervous gila I was on the day of the exam (Monday). I had to breathee and breath and had to take a break to the bathroom before I could truly concentrate. Why was I nervous? Cos I don't like to fail and I promised myself to NOT fail. How did I do it? Hmmm... as you have read my previous postings, late weekend nights to study and last weekend, I had Suraya crawling all over me while I was practicing the quizes for the exam.

When I proceeded to the proctor's room to get my results, I was sooooooo ecstatic whem she said that I passed. I had to say,'Oh my GOD!!!! OK, don't talk to me, I need to sit down'...hahahahaha...come to think of it again, it was funny. Mak gave me a big kiss when I got home. Anak mak pandai kan....hehehe. Surely was nice to have mak at home.

So now...I have another decision to make. To make money with the present company or move on????? Will update you on my decision. This will be the time where I can triple my yearly income...for my family.

Anyway...here's Suraya & Mas looking at ya!!!

Its been a while since the last one. I am busy studying and trying to be a mommy at the same time. Its hard to study when you have a baby pelted on you all the time and then bring the big one shopping for her school clothes, shoes and stuff. And then you have mak trying to strike a long chat while you have your head squared in front of the computer screen trying to do some practice quiz. Not that I mind mak coming for chats, I surely don't as most times, we ended up in the kitchen eating her epok2. In short, I CANNOT study at home.

I will be back in a few days. I know, no point updating yeah? At least you know that I am still alive and am still blogging!

I cried
I dreamed of my son one night,
I cried
Never knew that I would do that after my tears have dried up for so long...
But I cried.

I miss him
I long for him
I wish he was here with the rest of his siblings...

I cried
I coud not stop
At the end of the day...I cried again
I don't know why

It hurts to cry
It hurts to miss my son
And I do still long for him

I cried and I cried

I have successfully completed the 52 hours mandatory online study for the 'project' that I am pursuing. I am busy studying right now, hoping to be ready for the State exam in about 2 weeks or so. My self test quizes had been great so far. Hope I will score such good points in the exam. Tengah semangat beb, jangan tak jadi (thats what I always ell myself hahaha).

Mak has been here for 1 week starting tomorrow. Its like I really have someone to listen to me...in Malay! Of course I have the husband to listen to my whinings, but having mak around has been so so so wonderful. I can let steam off my chest in malay. All mak says is always....nothing! Or she sometimes has something to say like 'Dah lah, budak tuh dah memang camtuh, kau nak marah2 pun sakit hati'. Most times shes right about things.

So far, mak has cooked curry with pulut kuning, black pepper chicken, mee hoon goreng pedas, ayam goreng and nasi lemak with sambal tumis telur...could I ask for more??? Sure...bring it on mak!

SF is finaly covered with sunshine today after days of cold fog. When the sun shines, our spirits lift up!

Here's pic of Suraya taken today at the park. Notice her jade bracelet mak bought for her. Sepasang dia sekarang with her ibu hehe.

So...Suraya has cut her first couple of teeth...yaay!!! Her drooling has somehow or rather been reduced, NOT saying that it has totally been 'wiped' out. How mysterious nature can do eh. Teeth not out, drool comes out, teeth out, drool lessens.

Besides the teeth growing, the body has become for solid molid, keras meras and montok montok. She is crawling now and can sit on her own. Funny when the first thing she did this morning as soon as she woke up was to sit up and watched Jo Jo Circus on Playhouse Disney. She can stand in her crib, sometimes with one hand. She is also learning to acknowledge the beauty of the telephone. She knows that there is a live person on the other end of the line cos when I put her on the phone, she hears the voice, looks into the earpiece and starts trying to 'eat' it. Thats her 'hello' greeting!

Mak is coming in less than 48 hours. She is too excited beyond words about coming here. She misses the girls so much.

This also means that the husband has found another job and will start working next week. He has found an 'ideal' managerial job, which means that his job starts either during midday or graveyard on some days, just so that he could still be Mr Mom when he starts working. Downside? No weekends off yet...which means...lesser time with me. Sigh...thats okay. Sacrifice a little for more gain later.




With this posting, I would also like to thank the dearest husband/daddy/paps for wonderfully taking care of the baby and Kakak Mas since mak left. He admitted that being Mr Mom is not an overnight-easy-to-adjust post. It took him and Suraya 3 whole weeks to get used to each other. Now? They're like pals and Kakak Mas is a perfect part time sitter when paps needs a break.

Eventhough we were on a one and a half income when the husband took on the Mr Mom role, it has been the most satisfying decision that we have ever made. Nothing beats the baby's own parents to care for their own child. Money can always be recovered but baby's growing up time, will be gone and shall never return again.

I am glad that the husband decided to care for Suraya. Look at him now, he now does not want to part with Suraya when the 'door' is wide open for him to start working again!

You're the best dear husband. I know that not all daddies can do what you did and are still doing.

In the meantime, I have almost reached the 52 hour online study mark for me to take my first examination. Next week will be crunch study time. I am giving myself 3 months to change career and I can't wait!

Remember 2 entries ago? I am working my way to a new career with 52 study time to clock and an examination? Well, Ely's proud to say that she's working the 52 hours. I have covered 12 hours so far...40 more hours to go, one more week of intense revision and I am be ready to go! My goal...to take the exam in at least 3 weeks (one more week to study, one more to revise and one more week just in case I failed the 1st round of exam) now so that I could go on and take the other examination required.

How did I do it? Hmmm, its not easylah. Just need some determination and 'holding your eyes open with toothpicks' on weekend nights. Having a baby who is 7 months, can be very testing for me. No, I can't study when she is awake and NO, I can't study when the husband is in the house and awake.

Earplugs are my best friends. They help shut the noises out to the level of enabling me to 'ignore' the happenings and the tv blasting behind me.

You know, each time I study, I can almost my brains folding. You know how people say that the more you learn, the more folds your brains will have? I think my brains have been frozen ESPECIALLY after birth when my memory retention is at its worst. Oh my, why did I decide to study at this period of time eh?

But I am enjoying it all. The determination, the 'thawing' of the brains, forcing memory retention, the 'burning midnight oil'...so far so good, hope I won't get burned out.

I know you might think that I am nuts when you read this entry. A posting in my regular portal triggered me to write this.

So…what is the difference in marrying someone who is not of your very own ethnicity? Ok ok, like being married to a white guy. How about marrying someone who is of totally different religion? I know that some asians will feel very proud of marrying white guys or foreigners and tells all that white guys are nice, romantic, understanding, etc etc and guys of their locale are controlling, backward, etc etc.

You know, to me, being married to a white, brown, black or whatever does not make a difference. I was married to a malay guy for 9 years. It was very unfortunate that the marriage did not last…it was my choice that it did not last.

I did not want my personality and life to be controlled by someone who was non better than me, someone who never treated me as his equal. Yes, the truth was, sure…I had the biggest phobia about marrying someone of my own kind UNLESS he is one of those 'far and in between' guy that could treat me like how I would like to be treated, why not right?

But you see, I dated a few guys shortly after the divorce. At that time, I had a phobia of marriage. No more men in my life except my son! I can find kinks and dings on the guys personality, always a fault. 'Too timid, too quiet, no backbone, hes scared of me'…those were some of my remarks about the guys whom I dated. Some even said that I am too bold, opiniated or even stubborn for asian men. They said that I need to find myself a foreigner who can think like me, someone who is more bullish than me. So…I became the 'reject' of my own people hahaha.

It was rather easy to 'change channel', from locals to foreigners, that’s the beauty of internet. You can find people from every corner of the world. Just type in the place, and voila!

Well anyway, back to my whole point of writing here. I think there is truly no difference in being married to a white guy. The difference is 'who' exactly I married. I married someone who loves me for what I look like, my personality, my stubborness, my ugliness (should there be any) and he accepts my badness as part of what I am. Now this, men of any ethinicty could have this kind of thinking yes? Its just that my husband happens to be white.

There are tonnes of abusive white guys here in america. Drunks, drug addicts, gamblers, wife beaters, murderers, sometimes even worse than what we think they are. I have also seen many many many obnoxious white men (itu dah macam dorang lah), loud and mannerless ones too.

In short, men are men, regardless of what color they are. I am just lucky (or sometimes I feel lucky) to be given a second chance to marry someone who loves me for me…and my kids too.

***Oh GAWD…I don’t know why I am writing this when my hsuband is not on my A list right now!!!

Thank you for all your kind comments on my previous posting. I did not mean for it to be a tear jerker...well, I was choking in tears when I was typing it. But like I always say, Life goes on whether I like it or not.

I have finally decided on a career path. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past 6,7 years or maybe longer, like while I was in Singapore but just had no balls to do so.

I am preparing myself for this new career path. I shall not reveal it yet (trust me, only ONE person in my company knows about it besides my family) until I have spoken to the Official Department in this practice and a place where I can register myself to this practice. It might take me at least 3 months to get the license and ready to be lifted off the ground. 3 months of online 'schooling' in 2 parts and 2 examinations. I am very very very excited to do this!

Reason why I want to do this? This area has been my passion for the past 15 years. Its time for 'it' to make money for me. I would love to own a house for my family and be able to choose something better in lifestyle for my family. Who knows, the husband might be my partner in this if this plan works out well.

I promise I shall reveal what it is, at least when I pass the 1st examination. But tomorrow might be the big day for me...of taking the 1st step to success! Thats when I might sign up for the online class.

Here are pics of Suraya...its high time for new pics eh?

So I spoke to my son last night. The last time we spoke, the conversation was very very aggravated that our healing process took 10 steps backward.

So much emotions was actually involved when my son and I were separated. The emotions involved everyone on my immediate side of the family (the husband and Kakak Mas) and the other immediate side (my parents and sister).

Like I said earlier, it was a wonder Allah kept Suraya with me in my tummy when I was going through rough times. Maybe Allah did it for a reason…to heal Kakak Mas, the husband and me. To help us get stronger and eventually, to heal my broken and hurt family. And I know that Allah sent Suraya to us as a bridge this family.

With all the emotions that came along, 3 out of 1 conversations we had, sometimes took a turn for the worse. I don’t know how and why. But then we thought that this had to come to a halt. The elders have to be on the same page in order to make my son be on the same page too. We all agreed…that we have to work hard in patching my family up again. Not to have my son physically back with me but to patch up the relations that we have.

Back again to last night's conversation. At first my son thought that my mother 'forced' him into speaking to me…but he picked up the phone to speak to me anyway. At first it started with a very apprehensive tone on his side. But I sounded friendly, like an ibu would always sound to him. Oh how I missed his voice. Then he started to open up after I started sounding chatty and happy.

He said that he was not well last Friday. Dr said that his tonsils were swollen and he had a slight fever. And then I teased him 'Sakit2 pun pergi Batam eh'….and he giggled. He also said that it is the Dengue season now in Singapore. And I offered information about Suraya, his tiny sister who just got over a cold spell herself. And then he talked about school. That he had special coaching from his teacher and is catching up pretty well.

I avoided any deep conversation as that could be the root to taking step backwards. I was totally not expecting anything out of that conversation…after what happened the last time.

It was until I hung up the phone when the husband asked me who I was speaking to. I said 'Matt'. Then he said 'Sounds like a good conversation'. You know, yes, it was a good conversation. Then he asked 'How do you feel?'. Took me a few seconds to think. How did I feel? I told him that I did not feel anything then as I wasn't expecting anything for fear of hurt like the last conversation…but relieved that it was a good one.

But you know what? Slowly after that, feelings started to sink in. I felt happy, sad, relieved, and lovelorn. I miss my son so very much, so much so that it hurts. But I can't cry anymore. As I think I have cried so much that my tearducts are clogged. Oh no, I lied, I just can't cry anymore or refuse to cry…cos it hurts deep down each time I cry.




If my son is reading this, I just wanted to let you know that we ALL do love you here. We ALL think of you all the time, even Greg asks about you, James our neighbor and even some of your schoolmates ask about you. Your little sister is due to see you soon. InsyaAllah, we shall meet soon. We're a family and nothing will change that. It is okay if you live far away from us. As long as our ties will not be broken.

I love you Abang Matt!

Okay, I have to confess. I have not visited the dentist since I moved here....that's about 6 years in total. Eeeeekkkk...yes...well, the whole family DID go to see a dentist recommended by a co worker but this dentist was so pushy (he mapped out 2 years worth of dental work to us on our teeth, individually! Terus jadi takut seh!) that it took me an extra 2 years to brave myself to find another regular dentist. Okay okay, also, cos my tar tar has been building a metropolitan city in my gums that I knew it was time for that deep cleaning.

Hmmm, so today was the appointment. Xrays showed that my teeth are beautiful but the gums are so koyak (mangled). The dentist felt so menggeram when she saw my gums and tartar that she wanted to do half of the deep cleaning today. Ahemm, as we all know, here in the US, anything to do with dental work means insurance coverage PLUS money (not $30 but at least $80 and up) to do some work (actually, baru semalam aku beli baju kat internet, jadi tak boleh belanja lagi, laki aku tak tau!). I told the dentist, if it involves extra cost, we'll make another appointment. So there...I'll see her in 2 weeks, just because next Wednesday is the 4th of July holiday and the nation is closed for the day. Phew...at least could save some money for 'deep cleaning' and 'debrision' (what the heck is debrision man!!! I don't even know how to spell it). Koyak...koyak...my gums are in trouble!

The dentist also warned me that after the 2nd treatment of deep cleaning, I HAVE to come see her every 3 months until my gum shows no signs of swelling, floss and floss and more floss.

Anyway, 4 hours later, my gums are still hurting from her taking my gum measurements. She prodded, poked poked and poked the gum on each and every tooth. Painful...heck yeah!!!But it's almost dinner time and I cannot pass makan time or baby would not get milk.

In the meantime, the boss came to visit my office today. I was discussing with him, trying to reason out with him why I might not want to work with him...but I lost. He put some nice ideas into my head, that I might afterall move back to the big office and work for him. BUT...it won't be till at least when he finds someone to run the office that I am working at now (remember? He can't find anyone with multi skills to take over me?) so we're stuck like a duck he says.

This Friday will be the 4th of July Potluck for my office. Everyone's excited, first potluck since we opened this office. Spaghetti, pizza, salad, garlic bread, pie...and more!

No story of Suraya this time...sorry. I promise the next post will contain Suraya materials, hehehe.

This year will be the first year Kakak Mas will be spending summer by herself....without her brother with her that is. The summer for her started pretty sluggish this whole week as all that she ever wanted to do was stay home, watch tv, laze around in the house doing nothing...not even to clear the clean dishes from the dishwasher.

So I have a planned mission for her. To go to the Park and Recreation center where she can be a teenage volunteer all this summer and also to take up classes. So she will start her Park and Recreational volunteer this Monday (its time for her to 'give back' as she and her brother was taken care of by the volunteers past years) and she will be registered for either writing class or photography class (which she has requested).



Well, the reason for be wanting her to get out of the house this whole summer is so that her life does not change even when her brother is not here to be with her, play baseball with her and go to the Park and Recreation with her. I also do not want her to stay at home, be a mush brain and then feel depressed just cos she does not have a sibling her age anymore to do stuff that she loves to do.

Sometimes I wonder, does anyone in the other side of the world REALLY CARES of how my big girl feels? Do they REALLY CARE that her brother and her had grown together? Do they REALLY CARE that she does get lonely and does have feelings?

Kakak Mas went to a girlfriend's house today and we just picked her up. Oh how she misses her little sister so much. She grabbed Suraya and wouldn't let her go. Even tried to dress Suraya in her little pajama...but to no avail...budak tuh banyak sangat mengernyam!

Well, at least we know now that Kakak Mas' summer will be fruitful. She is going to the movies with her friends tomorrow and there will be no turning back in the next 2.5 months!

Phew...ibu is now relieved!




In the meantime, this milk mama is still breastfeeding. Suraya is touching 7 months next week and mama is still feeding and pumping at work. My co workers keep asking me how long I will be doing this...hmmm, maybe till she's one. So if they can't find me in the office, they know that I am busy pumping! I am still loving every moment of breastfeeding and I am not ready to 'break' the bond.




Tomorrow's my day off yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Happy long weekend to me!!!!

June 22nd, I have decided to take the day off! Yeaaahhh…why am I so happy? Cos I have not taken any day off since I came back from maternity leave.

A lot of things happened since I came back, workwise and at home too. Do you believe that sometimes your body can only take that much and then it starts to kinda 'shut down'? Not that I have been feeling sick but my body aches!

Everyone here has been taking leave especially during this summer time. Since this year my family is not going anywhere special this summer, I did not have a reason to take time off…except June 22nd. I would need that break…to spend time with Kakak Mas as her summer break will start next week and Suraya's 6 months checkup is on that day too…4 jabs for that day!

Mak says that she will come back in July. But she has to leave in October, lepas raya as she has to go for minor cataract operation. I know that mak misses her grandkids here and she is counting the days to get back here.

In the meantime, tomorrow will be Kakak Mas' last day of school before she starts a new school year this fall. Received here report card...all A's with a B for Science and GPA of 3.85! EXCELLENT!!! I am very proud of you Kakak Mas.

Can I divert a little? …..

This year would be my 6th year living in America…also will be my 6th year in this wonderful marriage. A lot of things had happened in 6 years. From a whole family to having my son living somewhere else, away from me, to having a baby while my family is broken into fractions of a whole.

I have achieved a lot in 6 years. Knowing that you have a loving and loyal husband, knowing that you have a loyal daughter, knowing that even your closest relative can be the cause of your deep down hurt, and knowing that in order to live away from home I need to stand on my own 2 feet and stand firmly.

I do not regret leaving home for a new life or a more revived life. We learned to be self sufficient and rely upon each other and noone else for comfort and advise. Learning to trust each other.

I am very thankful that I still have part of my family to share and build happiness with. To know that my baby relies on me 200% to be happy. And my hope for my kids who are living with me. LOYALTY….I do not need their money or anything else but just loyalty to their parents. And I shall pray for that…until I die.

I was taught by my ustazah when I was young and I still remember this…"When a mom is hurt by their son/daughter…and the son/daughter happens to be you, just imagine that everytime a mom is hurt, the clouds up there will start to rage thunder and lightning. Just pray that the lightning would not strike upon you." Hati ibu seperti kaca, jangan sampai kita derhaka.

Anyway, enough said. Its beautiful out there…glad I have my new sandals on!

Okay, okay, here I am updating my blog...as per request from Adiejin.

Alot but nothing much happened last week (am I not making sense yet?). Alot as in, I am still doing too much things at a time at work and in the meantime juggling having a baby at home...nothing, as in, nothing REALLY eventful happened last week, besides having to apprehend a co worker for leaving her safe key in the safe when she left for the day (whats the use of a safe then?) and me becoming a punching bag to my boss and semi puching bag to the husband.

I am beginning to like my new position now. Things have settled with the new office. Everything and everyone is in the groove of things. Everyone starting to 'gel' now...getting along, understanding each other and learning to communicate in this small office.

I like the idea of being able to run the office without a manager lurking around (though sometimes we have the insurance manager who came in just for a few minutes to see (or spy eh) how things are running) and apart from that, things are very cool now.

I get compliments from my peers saying that I am a team player and not the kind of person who 'says but does not do' kind of person. Sure, I can be bossy (heck, yes I do get bossy..the janitor hates me, the project managers hate me, the real estate people is beginning not to like me) but I also know that I am part of my peers' team in the office. I step up and open an extra service counter when theres help needed, I stock up the map machine and I even clean a co workers desk just cos it was super messy beyond believe and maybe this will open his eyes to see that his mess bothers me.

And then the idea of working for my boss again, came into my head. I have worked so hard to be in this position, learned the operational tasks and mastering them and then learning to lead 9 other staff...it surely was a long ride for me (well, took me 6 months to get trained). If I were to work with my boss again, I would lose my skills. What if the company restructures again and my boss gets deployed somewhere else? I do not want to be the last person knowing what to do when this happens. As much as I would love to work for him directly, I think this time, I would have too much to give up if I were to do that. I might be aiming for another position in 6 months or less and the skills that I have learned would be the ultimate point to get it (no no...not a managerial job, that word scares me! I can do their tasks but don't like to be called one yet).

In the meantime, mak is itching to get back here. But she is still going through some health checkups and I want her to be able to ensure that she is super duper well enough to come here and live with us again. We all miss her here...very very much!!!

Suraya and daddy David has bonded so much that they are inseparable...well, until I come home from work and weekends hehehe. The daily walks during lunch that the husband does with Suraya has helped them to socialize. Daddy with the other 'stay at home' daddies (especially at the beach) and baby with other kids. Kakak Mas has been the professional babysitter. There are times when paps needs to have time to hmself and needs her help, she has always been willing to jump and help to care for her little sister...with a fee, well, we pay her extra on top of her allowance to babysit (who wants to make money? come see us hehehe).

Oh and another exciting thing happened to me last week. Received a good amount of 'rewards' bonus from the company. Redeemed it as Amazon gift certs, bought 3 pairs of shoes...nice? NICE!!!

Have you guys tried Vanilla Latte? Tastes like Caramel Macchiato w/o the caramel. Sugar Free Vanilla Latte...try it if you get the chance...power beb!

Lastly, picture of the blog...Kakak Mas and the 'menggeram' Suraya... she just turned 6 months 2 weeks ago!

Saturday night...what am I doing still up? Maybe taking a breather, after putting Suraya to sleep and updating my blog. Somewhere in this neighborhood, there's a party going on...and I mean party like you see in the movies, loud music so that the whole block could hear. But this party is a latino party. I can hear the 'bunny hop' tempo blasting. How to sleep like this???

Last week was a short week for us. Cos it was the Memorial long weekend. Wasn't as crazy busy as before as one of our co workers came back from vacation (as I do not have to cover her underwriting task). But in turn, one more co worker went on vacation and another broke her leg. For a small office of 9 people, not having 2 can turn into a disaster...but everything turned out okay.

Remember my last posting wishing that I would go back to my old office and handle the management's projects and I am not enjoying managing an office? Well, the boss called and said that he is trying to figure out how to bring me back to the office to work with him again. Hmmm...seems like I am truly indispensable to him eh? But then, he will have to find someone to manage that office to take over me, which is hard cos again, noone's as smart as me hahahahaha!!! Anyway, I told him to please make it work, I can help pick the right candidate on who could do my job so that I could go back to my old office.

You guys might think why I am passing up this opportunity of managing an office? Hmmmm...you know, I know that I am a leader and can be a good one too, but sometimes I do not like the idea of acting as a manager (who gets paid $30k more than me per year...we have 3 managers, my boss is the Head of Manager) but not paid like one. Not that I would want to be a manager. I am not power hungry. With just being a new mother again, I cannot, I repeat, cannot take as much pressure like when before I had my baby.

Who knows, someday, when Suraya is maybe a few more years older, I might be a 'go getter' again.

In the meantime, Suraya is learning new tricks now. Besides weighing close to 18lbs, she can flip like coin many times over, can 'tripod' sit and now is beginning to flip one of her legs, sitting like a frog. Maybe she's learning to crawl? I don't know, this little girl is full of surprises.

Here's me and her, taken today.

I wish I could update this blog as often as I would like to. Tapi...apekan daya, tangan memang tak sampai. I hardly have time to even read blogs when I am at work, needless to say at home.

Past week had been super and king of all kings stressful week for me at work. To tell you the truth, no, I do not enjoy managing an office. Compared to working with the management, knowing that my responsibility was to make them look good, this job now is to strive to make the office look good...and me look good I think? And...I do not like that.

Maybe someday, I will be moved to the other side of the department....sigh!

Anyway, thank God for this Memorial Day long weekend. As usual, we do not know what to do and where to go.

In the meantime, mak called last night. Menangis dia cos she misses us so much. She said that she even kissed the computer screen when she sees Suraya's pictures. Kesian orang tua tuh. We all miss her ever so badly too. I know that she will come back soon!

Here's what daddy David and Suraya had been doing while I was working hard in the office.

How did it feel like to be working 6 day workweek for 3 freakin' weeks? Tired, penat, burned out and totally 'rest time deprived'. Who cares if you tend to earn at least half your pay check if you work on Saturdays. My rest time and time with my family is irreplaceable.

Being in a new office, I had to be there on Saturdays to ensure that all systems work well and everyone gets into the groove on working on Saturdays. Saturday crowds are different. They are tourists, 'youngins' who do not work Saturdays (except for losers like us at the office), and leisure customers.

Thank God last weekend was my last weekend working on Saturday.

How I missed time with my family.

Sigh...its Sunday night, I have to be at work in 12 freakin' hours!!! Penat belum hilang dah kena pergi kerja....arrrghhh!

Daddy Daycare

The husband has decided to take care of Suraya since mom left. Its been almost 2 weeks. What perfect timing especially when Suraya is beginning her teething process.

Yes, she is teething. Poor husband thinks that it is him who is not doing anything right as Suraya can be so happy and bubbly for hours and then yells, screams and cries like a girl in pain in one minute.

To daddy David,

You are doing a wonderful job with our daughter
Your baby might not know how to say it
But you can see from the look in her eyes that she loves you!

In the meantime, realized that I have not been updating my blog that often now? The new office opened last week and besides still trying to adapt to being at work and a mom when I get home, this new office demands my attention demands a whole lot more of my attention as it's a small office. But like I told my subordinates, we can party everyday hahaha.

With a small office, everything is incorporated. From the bathroom tissues to the mechanical breakdowns to speaking to the owner of the building. From learning how to open the door at 8:30am to learning how to handle funds for the entire office, balancing them and authorizing them.

Driving to work is also a new thing for me. You see, I was so used to public transportation. The best way for me to get to work now is to drive. Knowing the streets of San Francisco, thank God for automatic cars cos I really DO NOT know how to drive manual (or 'stick shift') cars. I might even bust the clutch if I drove up and down the hillies! I am beginning to enjoy morning talk shows. Lamont and Tonelli morning show makes me laugh on the way to work.

The office is also on Lombard St, where most tourists stay and roam the streets. Its the same street as the crooked street. To the locals, it is known to be the Marina District, where the 'baby boomers', 'cookie cutters', yuppies live. Beauty parlors everywhere, thats an advantage to me cos like Nazrah said, I am in dire need of eyebrow grooming. I need pedicure too. Kesian my toesies, got neglected!

Anyway, back to the office topic, today's the start of the grand opening for the new office. Aiyoh.pening pening and more pening! But our team will make it through!

As for kakak Mas, she had the symphony concert at the Cow Palace last night. Great, great performance! I am so proud of her.good job kakak Mas!

It is that day again. The day of wonderful women whom we call Mothers.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL WONDERFUL MOTHERS OUT THERE!!!