So I gave in, woke up feeling so emotional, just cos its Hari Raya. Its hard...when my son is there. I know I sound as if I am in denial, evasive but it hurts when I face it.

Before I went to work, I sat with Yaya in front of the computer, went to youtube.com and listened to Sanisah Huri's raya song. I was laughing and in tears at the same time. Laughing cos Yaya swayed back and forth as soon as she heard the song, she turned around and smiled at me in delight. Sad cos the picture of my son came into my head.

For 30 days I evaded this feeling, 30 days. But I had to give in right?

This doesnt mean that I will start listening to Raya songs again, I might.

Raya is in 2 days. How am I feeling? Hmm…I try not to think about raya as it can be depressing, thinking of my family back there and how fun it would be if we were there this very minute. Togetherness, that’s what I miss the most since I moved here.

Well, to begin, we have an Employee Engagement meeting on that day and I have to be in the office no later than 7:30 in the morning. Baru teringat nak masak lontong on that day. But that’s okay, I just shared with the husband that I will cook lontong the night before.

Nope, I have not been listening to ANY raya songs. Have not been listening to any Singapore radio. I just can't do it and have not been doing it since my son lives in Singapore 2 years ago.

But I do remember the time when we did celebrate raya when my son was here. We all had to go to work and school but we had a decent dinner for 4. I was very happy as I felt that my family was complete.

And I remember around this time when mak and bapak would be fighting over just about anything. Its called the annual raya gaduh. Must be the pressure of having to cook so many dishes in one day eventhough I was always known to be my mother's seus chef for raya.

And then we have our open house for our huge family. Yea, we cooked a lot for my 100 something odd multi generation relatives. It was nice…and beautiful.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all of you out there. Enjoy your family kat kampung or whereever they may be. And stay safe!

Maaf Zahir Batin...

Someone says that I need to update my blog more often so that she will know what is happening on my side of the world.

Sigh...nothing but alot has happened. Moved to a new office, not used to the slow foot traffic, my numbers hit the bottomest in history.

You see, when I wanted to move back to San Francisco, I had an ultimatum. Wealth or happiness, no compromise. I chose the latter cos I truly was not happy in the Daly City (yes, the office where my numbers boomed like fireworks). How can I not be happy when I am making all that money right? But I never fit in that office. This office is like family, the people I had been working with for the past 6 years. Of course my numbers and paycheck will hurt at least for the first couple of months. I was depressed, devastated cos I am going to hit rock bottom numbers and lose my Silver status. I was in total daze for the past few weeks until last weekend.

I was at home and had Suraya with me for 3 days...and I still wasnt happy cos I was clouded by my work stress. Then I thought. Money can't buy happiness, there is more to life than work, like this baby sitting in front of me longing for love.

So I snapped out of depression (for now!) and said to myself 'Screw it, I have a family to be happy with'. And my production got a little better I think....still will be the worst number ever but heck! this is my first month being in a new office.

Anyway, Raya is in a week. Sometimes that adds on to the depression. Miss my son, my family back home. Kak Jah will be cooking lontong for us on the 2nd day of raya. So I must go there at least to feel suasana raya.

I hope my twin will recover soon from her back ache. Kesian aku tengok kau...cepat sembuh ok.

Here's Yaya at the aquarium...

Current state of mind : Frustrated and stressed to the max!!!

New office has been wonderful but business has not. The company has clamped down on a lot of new business guidelines which makes selling to be very very tough. To make things worse, I was not credited on the production for some policies that I sold...6 of them. I threw a fit and demanded that they better pay me for this coming pay check.

I know...being in a new location can be trying for a business. It takes time. But I am not patient enough. No...I dont have the patience at all!!!

I keep telling the husband that maybe I dont need such stress right now. Maybe I shoud jusy stay home and vegetate and not think of work.

I am in a panic mode. If I dont make my numbers in 3 months, it would be time for me to say 'bye bye' and stay home eh? Some say that its better to get fired and claim unemployment than quit and not get unemployment.

Please ignore what I just typed...I am in an insanity state of mind.

I have finally adhered to my twin's and other girlfriends' advise...to go to the MAC Costmetic counter and get consulted by the overly made up sales people.

It was a quiet Sunday morning when I decided to drag the 2 girls to the mall to get makeup. So excited, not to get a makeover but to finally get a good makeup that will hide my tiny zits that I earned on my last days working at the old office. With age catching up, I do need a foundation and powder that can cover flaws and hold up, plastered to my face for at least 8 hours a day and hide my still populating freckles (YES, I do wear SPF moisturizer, if you need to ask).

20 minutes later, I spent some chunk of my dough on the makeup, I bought from a 'he/she whatever you call it' person. Whoelse could give me the best advise on beauty eh? I almost bought that goat hair foundation brush that costs US$44, but but but, I resisted temptation eventhough I am still thinking of buying it.

So now, no more wondering if my zits are covered, makeup still holding up after 6 hours cos I know that I still look like a doll at 4:30pm hahahaha!

Twin, you're not the only one telling to go to MAC, a few others did too and some of my friends even tried asking me to buy the goast haired brush!

Next mission...MAC goat haired brush and the 'Charged water revitalizing energy' spray.

Sometimes I think and wonder. No...MOST times I think and I wonder...have I really done something offensive to have pissed people off so bad that they would think its more worth it for them to ignore me? Hmmm...

I try not to think of such things, but each time when I do not think about it, that would be the first and the last thing I would think of during the day. I get irritated, cos people can would prefer to not deal with a problem and act as if nothing had happened but they would once in a while show signs at you that they actually do still have a problem with you.

I do not care who they can be in my life but such hyprocritism in turn has offended me so much that I would rather not have communications with them until they decide to talk about it.

Its not that I am being adamant or arrogant but it is very hard when I always try my best, my very best to heal matters with no bad conscience but it in turn comes back like a twisted knife stabbed on my back.

I am not a hypocrite, what you see in me, is what you get. If there is something that I could be offended over something, I usually talk about it and forget about it. I can be overly honest with my feelings that I tend to offend others too eh.

I am very tired of this. Maybe the problem will resolve my itself. All I want is truth and confronting with our feelings.

Will I offend anyone with this posting, I dont know, what can I say, I can still be considered offensive even if I didnt mention anything.

Twin, manerlah kau dah menghilang....I miss you!

Salam Ramadhan to everyone!!!

How do I cope with Ramadhan being away from home? I am talking about coping emotionally during this time. You see, the husband knows that when Ramadhan comes and is almost going, I would get weird, like something would possess me and I would get weepy, sad, sensitive and all. After being married for 7 years, he totally understands my emotional roller coaster around this time.

One way for me to cope with Ramadhan and Syawal when I am away from home?
- I do not listen to any Raihan songs
- I do not listen to Singapore malay radio channel
- Thats cos I do not want to listen to raya songs
- Which will make me feel weepy 'to the max' (now I am sounding like Arifah my niece)
- We break our fast privately at home and go to Kak Jah's house for raya (I am in charge of her cili kering and ikan bilis or she threatens to not cook for us)


I know, do I sound evasive yet? Its better to be that way then thinking of home, Geylang, ketupat, bazaar, kueh, bubur masjid...adoi! Air bandung time buka puasa pun sedap eh!!!

Leaving that stupid office makes me feel liberated. And I really mean liberated...from scrutiny, hostility and 'say but not do' management. I set my workstation in the new SF office. Nice, new and peaceful! It feels like I am back home, where I belong. I just have a feeling that my fortune will grow in that office, insyaAllah.

Life is finally back to normal. It had not been for 3 months. First, Mak was here to visit for a month, then Mas went to Singapore and then Bapak came to visit and not we're back to just the 4 of us. I am glad that bapak had a good visit with us.

Liberation, knowing me, I always say what I feel. I dont keep it in my heart. Maybe its just how I handle my stress and the feelings deep inside. But sometimes, at work, or even somewhere (or everywhere), I feel that my 'extrovertness' is offensive to some. I am not confrontational but I am very honest with my feelings. Fighting is not my agenda in life but fighting for my happiness and truth is something that I stand by to.

Aper yang aku merepek nih? I dont know lah. Its a 3 day Labor Day weekend. My brains are on hiatus I guess!



Heres Yaya, visiting her relatives at the zoo. The sheep was baaing at her and look what she did...

My meeting with Ms Hope and our 2 hour long chat at the taqueria had given me a reflection on myself. I shared alot about myself shamelessly to her, with both of us confirming that we all have a life history. Coincidentally, her life is almost similar to mine, her marriage style is like mine too. Maybe thats why we had connected so easily, since we 'met' online.

It is a comfort to know that my abnormal life is actually normal and others do experience what I had in my life before. But then again, my point of sharing is to share with others that life after divorce is not 'over' but could be a beginning of a better life.

We also agreed that marriage is a 'will'. You must have the will to make a marriage work. You have to love the marriage to make it work both ways. If not there is no will, the marriage would not work.

Marriage is alot of work and is not a breeze. I shared with her that if my marriage were to ever fail or my life partner goes to heaven before me, I would prefer to stay single and concentrate on my career and my kids. It is very tiring to keep a marriage. Not that I am tired of my marriage, dont get me wrong, my marriage has been very beautiful and our 7th anniversary is just around the corner, but marriage is hard work. I love my husband so much, that noone can replace him...cewah!

Geez, what have I been talking about eh? Cakap orang giler ker? Hahahahaha....

It is good to once in a while to meet new people and have these people really 'click' and understand our lives and what we are going through and confirm that we are indeed normal.

I miss my twin...girlfriend, hope that you are doing well, huggs!

Ms Hope, have a safe trip back to London and, Malaysia and back okay! You have been so awesome and cant wait till next year!!!! Next time, I'll take you to the outlets babeh! We will plan it perfectly okay!

Bapak is leaving in 3 days. Its been 3 weeks since bapak first came. It had been a good visit. This visit has been all about Suraya. Bapak is captivated by her, how she acts, how she walks and babbles. Suraya has so much energy, most times, bapak does not have the speed to run after her.

Few more days for me before I move to the SF office. Nope, my production has been bad with a capital B! I am so unmotivated and I can't stand that office....urrrghhh!!!! This also means that my paycheck is going to be small.

But I have great plans for when I move to SF. Great marketing plans!

I love visitors! Ms Hope flew in from London on Wednesday and I managed to do a sneak preview with her yesterday.

2 hours of meeting was not enough. We shall try for dinner with the whole family tomorrow and another meeting before she leaves next week.

We have so much in common, we went through the same situation in life before and we clicked almost instantenously.

Cafes, here we come...again!

Pics taken from the husband's cell phone, not too great but the next one will be better I promise. Yaya could not stop moving, thats why her face was blurry!

I have this sudden urge to shop! I havent done so in 3 weeks and it hasn't been a good feeling. I think I need to earn my money first in order for me to shop with confidence.

But what am I craving to shop for? I really really dont know. I do want those new sunglasses. You see, I have had my sunglasses for 7 years. My DKNY sunglasses that had stayed true to me no matter what comes. But...this pair of sunglasses had disappeared on me since last week. I cant live w/o my sunglasses. Each time when I threaten to buy a new pair, I just could not bring myself to spend alot of money on another pair...sigh!

Dont mention Crocs cos Makcik Hope already says they're not safe. You see, we have the Crocs outlet here and they cost only US$19.90 for a pair of them Mickey Crocs and I bought a pair for myself and Yaya has 2 pairs already. No Makcik Hope, Yaya doesnt ride the escalators, theres hardly one here. Actually, I have 2 pairs of Crocs, one immitation to wear at home and another to wear at home (and when I have my selekeh mood on Sundays).

A pair of flats? I am craving for one more pair of them BUT so far, have not found any that make me drool. Still love my BCBGirl flats that I got at 40% off last fall.

A laptop bag...not the one that I already have which has wheels and lightweight, this 'never happy with what she has' woman thinks that she deserves a ladylike laptop bag? Pfftt...maybe a Coach one? Hah!!!

This one can? $498 only what!

Forget about what I just mentioned, maybe its my PMS...I am going to pour myself a Coke Zero and lay in bed instead!

Note to self : Need to sell another $22k by end of next week in order to make this shopping fantasy come true.

Nothing to talk about really. I am just cruising this month as if I am not in the sales job. This month is called 'low profile' month which means that I will have to hit target but not hitting the stars. I have 2 more weeks to go before I move to the SF office. Cant wait!!!

In the meantime, I was called to the Dr's office again for a follow up checkup...after they extracted my blood 3 days ago. The nurse says that my blood count is a little abnormal? Maybe this job is so cekik darah that I am losing blood? Dont know. I had been feeling dizzy lately and I amnot sure if I am experiencing anxiety attacks which I doubt cos I had been playing more than working. Farting around at work can be pretty fun you know hahahaha.

Its the summer but so darn foggy here. The husband says that if I were to drive 8 miles southward, I will see the sun. So there, we are getting ready to go to the mall and then the zoo which is really not soutward but more INTO the fog hahaha. Aaahhh, Suraya just ate our paper temporary zoo membership card. Oh well, just tell the staff that my baby ate the card.

Here is my new business card with the photo which I will be giving out. Sorry, had to cut out the vital details, dont want no stalkers nor paparazzis stalking unless they want insurance from me.

Then there are more pics. Heres the one of me with the top that my Twin has gotten me. No figure showing cos theres nothing to show really.

I have a mission, to gain 2 lbs. Am I crazy? I think I am cos I lost 10 lbs in 8 weeks and I feel that I am looking too old for my looks. Yeah, eksen kan? Time gemuk nak kurus dah kurus nak gemuk balik.

Stress, thats the reason why I lost the weight. Well, its true that I am closer to my dream weight but not through stress! It makes me feel unhealthy. Imagine, I have lost about 25lbs so far since I first diet and I never had time to exercise. Ahemm, my body jiggles when I get in the hot tub okay! Not funny man!

So far since Monday, I have been eating whatever (ok ok, ALL) junk that mak had sent through bapak from Singapore. Popiah kecik, epok2 kecik, kerepek ubi, tapai, kueh baulu and more and more and more. You see, when I dont work, I eat...when I work, I hardly have time to eat! The adrenaline rush of the sales world keeps me going and sometimes I go without food for 8 hours straight.

Last weekend, we had a large pizza, lasagna, hot chocolate, pretzel, bubble tea, and all that crap that I could find just so that I would not lose more weight when I started working last Monday. I havent gained anything yet but I am sure its on the way.

My watch doesnt fit me anymore, my right hand rings turns round and round my finger, my wedding band is being held down by my engagement ring which was refitted. My jade bangle slides out of my wrist...kesian aku.

Again, time gemuk nak kurus dah kurus nak gemuk balik...manusia manusia!!!

I have lost touch...on how to blog like a normal person. Eversince what happened 2 years ago and having a baby who always disallows me to use the computer, blogging can either be a chore or something that is less personal.

So I decided to look at my old blogs. Back in 2005 when I loved to blog, got hooked on it and just would not stop blogging. Always something to talk about. Unlike now, nothing really to talk about. Hmmmm....

Or maybe my life has become overly complicating that it would be too long for me to blog about if I were to release my heart feelings on here.

Let me see, over a span of 2 years, alot had changed in my life. My son had moved back to Singapore, our relationship was snapped in a million pieces and I was pregnant at that time. And then Suraya was born, and our family crisis mended by itself. My kid headcount increased by one but also decreased by the same number.

The husband started caring for the baby full time when Suraya was 4 months old. Turned his life totally around. From a stepdad to a full time daddy...how brutal is that? Now? He is very proud to tell everyone around him that he is a full time dad and is loving it.

My job took a turn in a differently positive aspect. I am making more money than I used to and I realized also that in order to gain, there is the PAIN. Result from the pain? I lost about 30lbs. Yea, I am one of the smallest in the office. No...I am not a size 2 or whatever. But I if you mix me with the other co workers, I am called the Minnie Mouse. Dont be fooled, people here can be big.

Kakak Mas is going to high school this fall...high school in the US is something that I have and never will experience personally. Clueless as I can be. But from what I heard, she will have fun in high school.

Back to me, I think I have changed. Besides being older (dang, I am old!), I think I am more patient, intelligent and get tired easily. I am more tolerant with others, I do get stressed up easily but that only makes me want to solve problems quickly too.

I think I have learned to treasure the people around me and the family who is far away from me.

I hope my family far away knows that I do think of them all the time and miss them dearly. I love my life here very much and my marriage is the biggest blessing in my life that Allah had ever given me.

Sometimes people do not understand, how your life partner has great influence on you. As for me, the husband does have a great influence on me as well as the other way round. I learned to be more independent in terms of emotionally and financially, that paying the bills is top priority when I get paid and that we only have each other to trust and turn to when we are in need.

I have never had a man (who is not my father), who takes care of me, my kids and is very proactive in a marriage and relationship before. I used to depend on my family alot before I married the husband cos either at that time, I either had a dormant ex husband or I was divorced.

But I am happy, with my life. Does not mean that I have forgotten my family back home. I hope that someone would understand what I mean.

Kakak Mas came home with gazillion pictures. Will upload some here when I get the chance.

I was called into the office for the second time in 2 weeks last week...for soliciting 'out of territory' markets. I did not get any disciplinary action for that but the manager wrote an email to my SF bosses about my misdeed, including the 'verbal counselling' that I received 2 weeks before. To cut the drama (ooooh heck...tonnes of drama), I 'worked from home' last Thursday and Friday to create a 4 day weekend thinking that I could clear my head, but I was wrong. My anger over that incident grew even more. 7 years in the company, NEVER have I gotten any corrective action before.

But isn't it right that when you have a growing anger and fear over something, you have to face it and not avoid it? I guess I got tired of avoiding it over the weekend and I went to work last Monday to face it. I know that I am an honest employee who is in sales and is a go getter...well, I just a teeny bit excited with what I was doing that I forgot my boundaries.

My name came up as one of the top producers in my region (Market 5) for the month of June. How did I do for the month of July? Pfffttt...$20k less that June. With Kakak Mas not being around and being called into the office twice in 2 weeks, really dampened my drive. At least I hit my target, only that now, I will have to work double hard to retain my Club status.

Makcik hope (refer to my last 2 posts) had been with me online to give me the rah rah and comforting words. She knows she can get my attention even when I am sound asleep (my YM is turned on my cell 24/7, my cell vibrates when I get YM msgs). At least I know that someone's thinking of me :)

This month of August looks promising, Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah, it stays this way. Seems like lady luck went on vacation last month and decided to come back. I have achieved 1/4 of my goal for this month already. I have 4 more weeks before I leave this office, I could take vacation time to 'not endure' this office scene but I have my numbers to maintain. I also want to prove to this manager that I am an honest employee and whichever angle I choose to sell, I will still be good at what I am doing. And when I hit that high numbers again (insyaAllah, Ya Allah I know that you are listening to my heart...hard), I can tell him to kiss my butt before I leave! *Sorry guys*

It is hard when Kakak Mas is not here. Just the husband and me to care for Yaya. We hardly have time to clean. Well, each time we try, yaya messes up again. Each time I lift the broom, yaya wants to sweep the floor too. When I try to vacuum, she pulls the cord. Sigh...

Last weekend, I brought Yaya to see her long time friend, Scarlet. Scarlet is my co worker's daughter. My co worker (daddy) is american and wife (mommy) is chinese malaysian. 2 mixed kids sitting at the playground.

Suraya went to the San Francisco Zoo to visit her goatie relatives...videos taken from the husband's Blackjack II.

Am I over the depression yet? Yeah, kind of. The monthly best friend came and is almost leaving. So one monster down...so my husband says.

Like I said in my previous post. ALOT happened this month, most of them not too good, more on my career. As we sell more insurance, more cant afford to pay for their insurance and cancel eh? This means that, as policies cancel, they minus my production. So this month had been so trying for me. But I managed to hit $10k above target but still not my best, sigh.

When all these happens, I could say that I am still not over the fact that I have a very good close friend who is thousands of miles away from me. Would we ever be physically close friends (as in real time best friends lah not what you think okay!)? Not sure, unless her husband decides to move to San Francisco and then we could be neighbors. Neighbors, thats our fantasy each time we chat.

Its very weird this friend of mine, my twin. I always feel how she feels, I do not expect her to feel like I do but when she knows that I am feeling down, she is always here to hunt me down. She knows she can find me on my cell as my messenger is always turned on. It is always nice to know that someone thinks of me almost all the time. My phone vibrates at 4am, her IM buzzing me that a tiny Hermes purse costs $23k hahaha.

Her last posting, of her song in Juara Lagu TV3 for the week, the song, I know she did not have ME in her mind when she composed it but heck, it felt as though it was composed for ME. I get teary eyed when I listened to it. Of course, my favorite singer pulak tuh. I am so proud of her.

Anyway, twin, I know that we will be BFF (Best Friends Forever), thanks to technology. You will always be close to my heart and mind. Thanks to my Palm Centro, at least now I can chat with you when I am at a restaurant, laying in bed with breast latched on to the baby or having breakfast.

You are awesome and I love you!!!

You do not hear this from me too much....but...I am feeling rather depressed lately. I dont know why. Could it be because Kakak Mas is not here and I am in dire need of a good friend at home when the husband is at work? Or is it cos I am just so sick and tired of my current office situation and this month, I am behind in my numbers?

My boss had decided to keep me for another month in Daly City before I transfer in September. He had put up some restrictions in writing new insurance which had cut back my business quite a bit, just so that I would not get in trouble or 'canned' by not following HIS guidelines. On top of that, the other manager has been so passive in helping us to fire up for more sales.

Why am I feeling so depressed and unmotivated? Maybe its my PMS. I am having major major PMS this month. I am moody, irritated and do not feel like coming to work.

I am making kind of up to par with my production but I know that I will not hit the fantastical phenominal numbers like the past months. I just want to get out of this freakin' office....sigh.

Kakak Mas...come home quick!!!

How does it feel to be #1 Rep in the office for the month of June? I did not expect it. It was scarey. Being a rookie rep, this was not suppose to happen....right?

Contrary to that, this month started off very very S-L-O-W. The 1st week of July I could understand due to Independence week but week after that? Hmmm...I think I am a little behind with my numbers. I hope lady luck will come back from her vacation or wake up to sit on my shoulders like months before. I am very good at freakin' out before the finish line. I mean, its not even the 15th and I am freakin' out. Must be the kiasu syndrome embedded in me hhahaha.

In the meantime, my decision to move to the San Francisco office still stays very strongly. I was offered the sales rep spot, now the managers will have to fight as to when I can transfer to SF.

We are all missing Kakak Mas very much. She is having a good ole time there. She better come back or I would fly there and pull her by the ear back to SF!