Remember my previous post about the divorce and how my kids were coping it? Do you believe that sometimes you know your kids so well but you actually don't? Sometimes you want the kids to express to you how they feel deep inside but they can't simply express themselves directly to you?
The son borrowed my MP3 player a week ago. I have many songs in there, all categorized by genre. The next morning, I retrieved the player back from the son, he had this song playing for him...Cenderawasih.
Now that song, was played by the ex to the kids when we were going through the divorce, he would be with the kids for a couple of hours a day and play that song over and over again. Of course, he meant for me to hear it too (Ely buat tak dengar). He was trying to 'pujuk' me and tellng me that he could not afford to live up to my standard (what standard? I didn't know that 'responsibility' is a 'standard'?)
6 years later, the song still lingers in my son's heart. I know that he still loves his father dearly and I will never tell him to not listen to the song ever. Maybe that's the only thing that would keep his love for his father still strong.
I wish I could turn back the clock and 'unhurt' my kids. But I did not regret being separated from the ex and took a stride on my own. As I always promise to myself, I will never hurt my kids like how there were hurt 6 years before. But I cannot undo what happened and how it effected them.
Here's the lyric to the song,
Cenderawasih
Cenderawasih burung kayangan
Tuanku putih kilau keemasan
Pandanglah hamba si gagak hutan
Sebelah mata pun hamba tak terkilan
Cenderawasih burung kayangan
Tuanku putih kilau keemasan
Adumu bercadarkan pintalan gemawan
Tidur hamba beralas reranting hutan
Tak hamba terkelindan sayap dipatahkan
Tak hamba terkilan telur hamba dipecahkan
Hamba akur dengan suratan
Hamba akur dengan kehendak Tuhan
Hamba akur berketurunan bermandi hinaan
Cenderawasih burung kayangan
Tuanku putih kilau keemasan
Kau pinta didodoikan rintikan hujan
Ku mampu rintih senandung kedukaan
The son borrowed my MP3 player a week ago. I have many songs in there, all categorized by genre. The next morning, I retrieved the player back from the son, he had this song playing for him...Cenderawasih.
Now that song, was played by the ex to the kids when we were going through the divorce, he would be with the kids for a couple of hours a day and play that song over and over again. Of course, he meant for me to hear it too (Ely buat tak dengar). He was trying to 'pujuk' me and tellng me that he could not afford to live up to my standard (what standard? I didn't know that 'responsibility' is a 'standard'?)
6 years later, the song still lingers in my son's heart. I know that he still loves his father dearly and I will never tell him to not listen to the song ever. Maybe that's the only thing that would keep his love for his father still strong.
I wish I could turn back the clock and 'unhurt' my kids. But I did not regret being separated from the ex and took a stride on my own. As I always promise to myself, I will never hurt my kids like how there were hurt 6 years before. But I cannot undo what happened and how it effected them.
Here's the lyric to the song,
Cenderawasih
Cenderawasih burung kayangan
Tuanku putih kilau keemasan
Pandanglah hamba si gagak hutan
Sebelah mata pun hamba tak terkilan
Cenderawasih burung kayangan
Tuanku putih kilau keemasan
Adumu bercadarkan pintalan gemawan
Tidur hamba beralas reranting hutan
Tak hamba terkelindan sayap dipatahkan
Tak hamba terkilan telur hamba dipecahkan
Hamba akur dengan suratan
Hamba akur dengan kehendak Tuhan
Hamba akur berketurunan bermandi hinaan
Cenderawasih burung kayangan
Tuanku putih kilau keemasan
Kau pinta didodoikan rintikan hujan
Ku mampu rintih senandung kedukaan
8 comments:
Ely, as adult we sometimes have to make hard decisions. Time help to prove whether you have made the right (and seemingly cruel) decisions or otherwise.
C'mere you! meh kita peluk..
remember, time will heal all wounds..lots of do'a as well.
*nefertiti*
ninuk, thanks. i am sure that i have made the right decision. but it hurts to see my kids feeling the remnants of what happened to them...which could not be reversed.
nefertiti, awwwww, thank you so much! time will heal...maybe part of it eh? i do not expect it to heal completely for them.
my parents had a divorce too, yes it did affect me. but as i grow up i began to understand more and agreed that my mom is better off single. what helped was the support from my extended family. and i suppose thats what you can give to yr kids now, support. there's a study on kids with divorced parents and yes, they carry the extra baggage till adulthood and affect their own relationship with their partners, but then again sini culture lain kan. you are doing yr best for yr kids, i am sure they know that, and yr love will help them, wish i could help.
dahling..atn is right. in time, they will understand, that when you made THAT decision, the last thing you wanted was to hurt them. And that whatever decision you made was also for their benefit too. And that come what may, their Ibu loves them more than anything else in this whole wide world! Insyaallah, they will understand! :)
tenah, u're right. the extended family are the ones that make us and the kids feel better. my family has been great to me. my husband has been the best too. thanks for sharing with me your experience.
dena, u know, some people will say 'gatal sendiri, garuk sendiri', ada org pun ckp 'thats ur choice, now accept the consequences' but in actual fact, i do believe in loving myself, and then the kids and the husband. kalau tak, we will nvr have the strength to love others too kan?
ibu loves them more than anything, but my dot just told me that i dont love her...cos shes having her PMS!!!!! hahahaha
Ely, I always donno what to say when come to this...blurrrr...me with post PMS
Loads of big hug from me.
ailin, i faham betul u ckp tuh, and u're the one speaking from my kids' side kan? i feel that the kids also have to be as strong as the parents going thru it. sigh...
AM, like the Ya Ya Sisterhood...the PMS has reigned, lets swear to be together and share whatever hehehe.
dewa...u're back! i stood by my decision no regrets cuma sometimes i feel the hurt the kids had or are still going thru. life goes on...life goes on...i have to keep telling myself that. thanks bro..i am sure u r just as strong willed or even stronger willed than me in this.
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