So...Suraya has cut her first couple of teeth...yaay!!! Her drooling has somehow or rather been reduced, NOT saying that it has totally been 'wiped' out. How mysterious nature can do eh. Teeth not out, drool comes out, teeth out, drool lessens.

Besides the teeth growing, the body has become for solid molid, keras meras and montok montok. She is crawling now and can sit on her own. Funny when the first thing she did this morning as soon as she woke up was to sit up and watched Jo Jo Circus on Playhouse Disney. She can stand in her crib, sometimes with one hand. She is also learning to acknowledge the beauty of the telephone. She knows that there is a live person on the other end of the line cos when I put her on the phone, she hears the voice, looks into the earpiece and starts trying to 'eat' it. Thats her 'hello' greeting!

Mak is coming in less than 48 hours. She is too excited beyond words about coming here. She misses the girls so much.

This also means that the husband has found another job and will start working next week. He has found an 'ideal' managerial job, which means that his job starts either during midday or graveyard on some days, just so that he could still be Mr Mom when he starts working. Downside? No weekends off yet...which means...lesser time with me. Sigh...thats okay. Sacrifice a little for more gain later.




With this posting, I would also like to thank the dearest husband/daddy/paps for wonderfully taking care of the baby and Kakak Mas since mak left. He admitted that being Mr Mom is not an overnight-easy-to-adjust post. It took him and Suraya 3 whole weeks to get used to each other. Now? They're like pals and Kakak Mas is a perfect part time sitter when paps needs a break.

Eventhough we were on a one and a half income when the husband took on the Mr Mom role, it has been the most satisfying decision that we have ever made. Nothing beats the baby's own parents to care for their own child. Money can always be recovered but baby's growing up time, will be gone and shall never return again.

I am glad that the husband decided to care for Suraya. Look at him now, he now does not want to part with Suraya when the 'door' is wide open for him to start working again!

You're the best dear husband. I know that not all daddies can do what you did and are still doing.

In the meantime, I have almost reached the 52 hour online study mark for me to take my first examination. Next week will be crunch study time. I am giving myself 3 months to change career and I can't wait!

Remember 2 entries ago? I am working my way to a new career with 52 study time to clock and an examination? Well, Ely's proud to say that she's working the 52 hours. I have covered 12 hours so far...40 more hours to go, one more week of intense revision and I am be ready to go! My goal...to take the exam in at least 3 weeks (one more week to study, one more to revise and one more week just in case I failed the 1st round of exam) now so that I could go on and take the other examination required.

How did I do it? Hmmm, its not easylah. Just need some determination and 'holding your eyes open with toothpicks' on weekend nights. Having a baby who is 7 months, can be very testing for me. No, I can't study when she is awake and NO, I can't study when the husband is in the house and awake.

Earplugs are my best friends. They help shut the noises out to the level of enabling me to 'ignore' the happenings and the tv blasting behind me.

You know, each time I study, I can almost my brains folding. You know how people say that the more you learn, the more folds your brains will have? I think my brains have been frozen ESPECIALLY after birth when my memory retention is at its worst. Oh my, why did I decide to study at this period of time eh?

But I am enjoying it all. The determination, the 'thawing' of the brains, forcing memory retention, the 'burning midnight oil'...so far so good, hope I won't get burned out.

I know you might think that I am nuts when you read this entry. A posting in my regular portal triggered me to write this.

So…what is the difference in marrying someone who is not of your very own ethnicity? Ok ok, like being married to a white guy. How about marrying someone who is of totally different religion? I know that some asians will feel very proud of marrying white guys or foreigners and tells all that white guys are nice, romantic, understanding, etc etc and guys of their locale are controlling, backward, etc etc.

You know, to me, being married to a white, brown, black or whatever does not make a difference. I was married to a malay guy for 9 years. It was very unfortunate that the marriage did not last…it was my choice that it did not last.

I did not want my personality and life to be controlled by someone who was non better than me, someone who never treated me as his equal. Yes, the truth was, sure…I had the biggest phobia about marrying someone of my own kind UNLESS he is one of those 'far and in between' guy that could treat me like how I would like to be treated, why not right?

But you see, I dated a few guys shortly after the divorce. At that time, I had a phobia of marriage. No more men in my life except my son! I can find kinks and dings on the guys personality, always a fault. 'Too timid, too quiet, no backbone, hes scared of me'…those were some of my remarks about the guys whom I dated. Some even said that I am too bold, opiniated or even stubborn for asian men. They said that I need to find myself a foreigner who can think like me, someone who is more bullish than me. So…I became the 'reject' of my own people hahaha.

It was rather easy to 'change channel', from locals to foreigners, that’s the beauty of internet. You can find people from every corner of the world. Just type in the place, and voila!

Well anyway, back to my whole point of writing here. I think there is truly no difference in being married to a white guy. The difference is 'who' exactly I married. I married someone who loves me for what I look like, my personality, my stubborness, my ugliness (should there be any) and he accepts my badness as part of what I am. Now this, men of any ethinicty could have this kind of thinking yes? Its just that my husband happens to be white.

There are tonnes of abusive white guys here in america. Drunks, drug addicts, gamblers, wife beaters, murderers, sometimes even worse than what we think they are. I have also seen many many many obnoxious white men (itu dah macam dorang lah), loud and mannerless ones too.

In short, men are men, regardless of what color they are. I am just lucky (or sometimes I feel lucky) to be given a second chance to marry someone who loves me for me…and my kids too.

***Oh GAWD…I don’t know why I am writing this when my hsuband is not on my A list right now!!!

Thank you for all your kind comments on my previous posting. I did not mean for it to be a tear jerker...well, I was choking in tears when I was typing it. But like I always say, Life goes on whether I like it or not.

I have finally decided on a career path. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past 6,7 years or maybe longer, like while I was in Singapore but just had no balls to do so.

I am preparing myself for this new career path. I shall not reveal it yet (trust me, only ONE person in my company knows about it besides my family) until I have spoken to the Official Department in this practice and a place where I can register myself to this practice. It might take me at least 3 months to get the license and ready to be lifted off the ground. 3 months of online 'schooling' in 2 parts and 2 examinations. I am very very very excited to do this!

Reason why I want to do this? This area has been my passion for the past 15 years. Its time for 'it' to make money for me. I would love to own a house for my family and be able to choose something better in lifestyle for my family. Who knows, the husband might be my partner in this if this plan works out well.

I promise I shall reveal what it is, at least when I pass the 1st examination. But tomorrow might be the big day for me...of taking the 1st step to success! Thats when I might sign up for the online class.

Here are pics of Suraya...its high time for new pics eh?

So I spoke to my son last night. The last time we spoke, the conversation was very very aggravated that our healing process took 10 steps backward.

So much emotions was actually involved when my son and I were separated. The emotions involved everyone on my immediate side of the family (the husband and Kakak Mas) and the other immediate side (my parents and sister).

Like I said earlier, it was a wonder Allah kept Suraya with me in my tummy when I was going through rough times. Maybe Allah did it for a reason…to heal Kakak Mas, the husband and me. To help us get stronger and eventually, to heal my broken and hurt family. And I know that Allah sent Suraya to us as a bridge this family.

With all the emotions that came along, 3 out of 1 conversations we had, sometimes took a turn for the worse. I don’t know how and why. But then we thought that this had to come to a halt. The elders have to be on the same page in order to make my son be on the same page too. We all agreed…that we have to work hard in patching my family up again. Not to have my son physically back with me but to patch up the relations that we have.

Back again to last night's conversation. At first my son thought that my mother 'forced' him into speaking to me…but he picked up the phone to speak to me anyway. At first it started with a very apprehensive tone on his side. But I sounded friendly, like an ibu would always sound to him. Oh how I missed his voice. Then he started to open up after I started sounding chatty and happy.

He said that he was not well last Friday. Dr said that his tonsils were swollen and he had a slight fever. And then I teased him 'Sakit2 pun pergi Batam eh'….and he giggled. He also said that it is the Dengue season now in Singapore. And I offered information about Suraya, his tiny sister who just got over a cold spell herself. And then he talked about school. That he had special coaching from his teacher and is catching up pretty well.

I avoided any deep conversation as that could be the root to taking step backwards. I was totally not expecting anything out of that conversation…after what happened the last time.

It was until I hung up the phone when the husband asked me who I was speaking to. I said 'Matt'. Then he said 'Sounds like a good conversation'. You know, yes, it was a good conversation. Then he asked 'How do you feel?'. Took me a few seconds to think. How did I feel? I told him that I did not feel anything then as I wasn't expecting anything for fear of hurt like the last conversation…but relieved that it was a good one.

But you know what? Slowly after that, feelings started to sink in. I felt happy, sad, relieved, and lovelorn. I miss my son so very much, so much so that it hurts. But I can't cry anymore. As I think I have cried so much that my tearducts are clogged. Oh no, I lied, I just can't cry anymore or refuse to cry…cos it hurts deep down each time I cry.




If my son is reading this, I just wanted to let you know that we ALL do love you here. We ALL think of you all the time, even Greg asks about you, James our neighbor and even some of your schoolmates ask about you. Your little sister is due to see you soon. InsyaAllah, we shall meet soon. We're a family and nothing will change that. It is okay if you live far away from us. As long as our ties will not be broken.

I love you Abang Matt!

Okay, I have to confess. I have not visited the dentist since I moved here....that's about 6 years in total. Eeeeekkkk...yes...well, the whole family DID go to see a dentist recommended by a co worker but this dentist was so pushy (he mapped out 2 years worth of dental work to us on our teeth, individually! Terus jadi takut seh!) that it took me an extra 2 years to brave myself to find another regular dentist. Okay okay, also, cos my tar tar has been building a metropolitan city in my gums that I knew it was time for that deep cleaning.

Hmmm, so today was the appointment. Xrays showed that my teeth are beautiful but the gums are so koyak (mangled). The dentist felt so menggeram when she saw my gums and tartar that she wanted to do half of the deep cleaning today. Ahemm, as we all know, here in the US, anything to do with dental work means insurance coverage PLUS money (not $30 but at least $80 and up) to do some work (actually, baru semalam aku beli baju kat internet, jadi tak boleh belanja lagi, laki aku tak tau!). I told the dentist, if it involves extra cost, we'll make another appointment. So there...I'll see her in 2 weeks, just because next Wednesday is the 4th of July holiday and the nation is closed for the day. Phew...at least could save some money for 'deep cleaning' and 'debrision' (what the heck is debrision man!!! I don't even know how to spell it). Koyak...koyak...my gums are in trouble!

The dentist also warned me that after the 2nd treatment of deep cleaning, I HAVE to come see her every 3 months until my gum shows no signs of swelling, floss and floss and more floss.

Anyway, 4 hours later, my gums are still hurting from her taking my gum measurements. She prodded, poked poked and poked the gum on each and every tooth. Painful...heck yeah!!!But it's almost dinner time and I cannot pass makan time or baby would not get milk.

In the meantime, the boss came to visit my office today. I was discussing with him, trying to reason out with him why I might not want to work with him...but I lost. He put some nice ideas into my head, that I might afterall move back to the big office and work for him. BUT...it won't be till at least when he finds someone to run the office that I am working at now (remember? He can't find anyone with multi skills to take over me?) so we're stuck like a duck he says.

This Friday will be the 4th of July Potluck for my office. Everyone's excited, first potluck since we opened this office. Spaghetti, pizza, salad, garlic bread, pie...and more!

No story of Suraya this time...sorry. I promise the next post will contain Suraya materials, hehehe.

This year will be the first year Kakak Mas will be spending summer by herself....without her brother with her that is. The summer for her started pretty sluggish this whole week as all that she ever wanted to do was stay home, watch tv, laze around in the house doing nothing...not even to clear the clean dishes from the dishwasher.

So I have a planned mission for her. To go to the Park and Recreation center where she can be a teenage volunteer all this summer and also to take up classes. So she will start her Park and Recreational volunteer this Monday (its time for her to 'give back' as she and her brother was taken care of by the volunteers past years) and she will be registered for either writing class or photography class (which she has requested).



Well, the reason for be wanting her to get out of the house this whole summer is so that her life does not change even when her brother is not here to be with her, play baseball with her and go to the Park and Recreation with her. I also do not want her to stay at home, be a mush brain and then feel depressed just cos she does not have a sibling her age anymore to do stuff that she loves to do.

Sometimes I wonder, does anyone in the other side of the world REALLY CARES of how my big girl feels? Do they REALLY CARE that her brother and her had grown together? Do they REALLY CARE that she does get lonely and does have feelings?

Kakak Mas went to a girlfriend's house today and we just picked her up. Oh how she misses her little sister so much. She grabbed Suraya and wouldn't let her go. Even tried to dress Suraya in her little pajama...but to no avail...budak tuh banyak sangat mengernyam!

Well, at least we know now that Kakak Mas' summer will be fruitful. She is going to the movies with her friends tomorrow and there will be no turning back in the next 2.5 months!

Phew...ibu is now relieved!




In the meantime, this milk mama is still breastfeeding. Suraya is touching 7 months next week and mama is still feeding and pumping at work. My co workers keep asking me how long I will be doing this...hmmm, maybe till she's one. So if they can't find me in the office, they know that I am busy pumping! I am still loving every moment of breastfeeding and I am not ready to 'break' the bond.




Tomorrow's my day off yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Happy long weekend to me!!!!

June 22nd, I have decided to take the day off! Yeaaahhh…why am I so happy? Cos I have not taken any day off since I came back from maternity leave.

A lot of things happened since I came back, workwise and at home too. Do you believe that sometimes your body can only take that much and then it starts to kinda 'shut down'? Not that I have been feeling sick but my body aches!

Everyone here has been taking leave especially during this summer time. Since this year my family is not going anywhere special this summer, I did not have a reason to take time off…except June 22nd. I would need that break…to spend time with Kakak Mas as her summer break will start next week and Suraya's 6 months checkup is on that day too…4 jabs for that day!

Mak says that she will come back in July. But she has to leave in October, lepas raya as she has to go for minor cataract operation. I know that mak misses her grandkids here and she is counting the days to get back here.

In the meantime, tomorrow will be Kakak Mas' last day of school before she starts a new school year this fall. Received here report card...all A's with a B for Science and GPA of 3.85! EXCELLENT!!! I am very proud of you Kakak Mas.

Can I divert a little? …..

This year would be my 6th year living in America…also will be my 6th year in this wonderful marriage. A lot of things had happened in 6 years. From a whole family to having my son living somewhere else, away from me, to having a baby while my family is broken into fractions of a whole.

I have achieved a lot in 6 years. Knowing that you have a loving and loyal husband, knowing that you have a loyal daughter, knowing that even your closest relative can be the cause of your deep down hurt, and knowing that in order to live away from home I need to stand on my own 2 feet and stand firmly.

I do not regret leaving home for a new life or a more revived life. We learned to be self sufficient and rely upon each other and noone else for comfort and advise. Learning to trust each other.

I am very thankful that I still have part of my family to share and build happiness with. To know that my baby relies on me 200% to be happy. And my hope for my kids who are living with me. LOYALTY….I do not need their money or anything else but just loyalty to their parents. And I shall pray for that…until I die.

I was taught by my ustazah when I was young and I still remember this…"When a mom is hurt by their son/daughter…and the son/daughter happens to be you, just imagine that everytime a mom is hurt, the clouds up there will start to rage thunder and lightning. Just pray that the lightning would not strike upon you." Hati ibu seperti kaca, jangan sampai kita derhaka.

Anyway, enough said. Its beautiful out there…glad I have my new sandals on!

Okay, okay, here I am updating my blog...as per request from Adiejin.

Alot but nothing much happened last week (am I not making sense yet?). Alot as in, I am still doing too much things at a time at work and in the meantime juggling having a baby at home...nothing, as in, nothing REALLY eventful happened last week, besides having to apprehend a co worker for leaving her safe key in the safe when she left for the day (whats the use of a safe then?) and me becoming a punching bag to my boss and semi puching bag to the husband.

I am beginning to like my new position now. Things have settled with the new office. Everything and everyone is in the groove of things. Everyone starting to 'gel' now...getting along, understanding each other and learning to communicate in this small office.

I like the idea of being able to run the office without a manager lurking around (though sometimes we have the insurance manager who came in just for a few minutes to see (or spy eh) how things are running) and apart from that, things are very cool now.

I get compliments from my peers saying that I am a team player and not the kind of person who 'says but does not do' kind of person. Sure, I can be bossy (heck, yes I do get bossy..the janitor hates me, the project managers hate me, the real estate people is beginning not to like me) but I also know that I am part of my peers' team in the office. I step up and open an extra service counter when theres help needed, I stock up the map machine and I even clean a co workers desk just cos it was super messy beyond believe and maybe this will open his eyes to see that his mess bothers me.

And then the idea of working for my boss again, came into my head. I have worked so hard to be in this position, learned the operational tasks and mastering them and then learning to lead 9 other staff...it surely was a long ride for me (well, took me 6 months to get trained). If I were to work with my boss again, I would lose my skills. What if the company restructures again and my boss gets deployed somewhere else? I do not want to be the last person knowing what to do when this happens. As much as I would love to work for him directly, I think this time, I would have too much to give up if I were to do that. I might be aiming for another position in 6 months or less and the skills that I have learned would be the ultimate point to get it (no no...not a managerial job, that word scares me! I can do their tasks but don't like to be called one yet).

In the meantime, mak is itching to get back here. But she is still going through some health checkups and I want her to be able to ensure that she is super duper well enough to come here and live with us again. We all miss her here...very very much!!!

Suraya and daddy David has bonded so much that they are inseparable...well, until I come home from work and weekends hehehe. The daily walks during lunch that the husband does with Suraya has helped them to socialize. Daddy with the other 'stay at home' daddies (especially at the beach) and baby with other kids. Kakak Mas has been the professional babysitter. There are times when paps needs to have time to hmself and needs her help, she has always been willing to jump and help to care for her little sister...with a fee, well, we pay her extra on top of her allowance to babysit (who wants to make money? come see us hehehe).

Oh and another exciting thing happened to me last week. Received a good amount of 'rewards' bonus from the company. Redeemed it as Amazon gift certs, bought 3 pairs of shoes...nice? NICE!!!

Have you guys tried Vanilla Latte? Tastes like Caramel Macchiato w/o the caramel. Sugar Free Vanilla Latte...try it if you get the chance...power beb!

Lastly, picture of the blog...Kakak Mas and the 'menggeram' Suraya... she just turned 6 months 2 weeks ago!

Saturday night...what am I doing still up? Maybe taking a breather, after putting Suraya to sleep and updating my blog. Somewhere in this neighborhood, there's a party going on...and I mean party like you see in the movies, loud music so that the whole block could hear. But this party is a latino party. I can hear the 'bunny hop' tempo blasting. How to sleep like this???

Last week was a short week for us. Cos it was the Memorial long weekend. Wasn't as crazy busy as before as one of our co workers came back from vacation (as I do not have to cover her underwriting task). But in turn, one more co worker went on vacation and another broke her leg. For a small office of 9 people, not having 2 can turn into a disaster...but everything turned out okay.

Remember my last posting wishing that I would go back to my old office and handle the management's projects and I am not enjoying managing an office? Well, the boss called and said that he is trying to figure out how to bring me back to the office to work with him again. Hmmm...seems like I am truly indispensable to him eh? But then, he will have to find someone to manage that office to take over me, which is hard cos again, noone's as smart as me hahahahaha!!! Anyway, I told him to please make it work, I can help pick the right candidate on who could do my job so that I could go back to my old office.

You guys might think why I am passing up this opportunity of managing an office? Hmmmm...you know, I know that I am a leader and can be a good one too, but sometimes I do not like the idea of acting as a manager (who gets paid $30k more than me per year...we have 3 managers, my boss is the Head of Manager) but not paid like one. Not that I would want to be a manager. I am not power hungry. With just being a new mother again, I cannot, I repeat, cannot take as much pressure like when before I had my baby.

Who knows, someday, when Suraya is maybe a few more years older, I might be a 'go getter' again.

In the meantime, Suraya is learning new tricks now. Besides weighing close to 18lbs, she can flip like coin many times over, can 'tripod' sit and now is beginning to flip one of her legs, sitting like a frog. Maybe she's learning to crawl? I don't know, this little girl is full of surprises.

Here's me and her, taken today.

I wish I could update this blog as often as I would like to. Tapi...apekan daya, tangan memang tak sampai. I hardly have time to even read blogs when I am at work, needless to say at home.

Past week had been super and king of all kings stressful week for me at work. To tell you the truth, no, I do not enjoy managing an office. Compared to working with the management, knowing that my responsibility was to make them look good, this job now is to strive to make the office look good...and me look good I think? And...I do not like that.

Maybe someday, I will be moved to the other side of the department....sigh!

Anyway, thank God for this Memorial Day long weekend. As usual, we do not know what to do and where to go.

In the meantime, mak called last night. Menangis dia cos she misses us so much. She said that she even kissed the computer screen when she sees Suraya's pictures. Kesian orang tua tuh. We all miss her ever so badly too. I know that she will come back soon!

Here's what daddy David and Suraya had been doing while I was working hard in the office.

How did it feel like to be working 6 day workweek for 3 freakin' weeks? Tired, penat, burned out and totally 'rest time deprived'. Who cares if you tend to earn at least half your pay check if you work on Saturdays. My rest time and time with my family is irreplaceable.

Being in a new office, I had to be there on Saturdays to ensure that all systems work well and everyone gets into the groove on working on Saturdays. Saturday crowds are different. They are tourists, 'youngins' who do not work Saturdays (except for losers like us at the office), and leisure customers.

Thank God last weekend was my last weekend working on Saturday.

How I missed time with my family.

Sigh...its Sunday night, I have to be at work in 12 freakin' hours!!! Penat belum hilang dah kena pergi kerja....arrrghhh!

Daddy Daycare

The husband has decided to take care of Suraya since mom left. Its been almost 2 weeks. What perfect timing especially when Suraya is beginning her teething process.

Yes, she is teething. Poor husband thinks that it is him who is not doing anything right as Suraya can be so happy and bubbly for hours and then yells, screams and cries like a girl in pain in one minute.

To daddy David,

You are doing a wonderful job with our daughter
Your baby might not know how to say it
But you can see from the look in her eyes that she loves you!

In the meantime, realized that I have not been updating my blog that often now? The new office opened last week and besides still trying to adapt to being at work and a mom when I get home, this new office demands my attention demands a whole lot more of my attention as it's a small office. But like I told my subordinates, we can party everyday hahaha.

With a small office, everything is incorporated. From the bathroom tissues to the mechanical breakdowns to speaking to the owner of the building. From learning how to open the door at 8:30am to learning how to handle funds for the entire office, balancing them and authorizing them.

Driving to work is also a new thing for me. You see, I was so used to public transportation. The best way for me to get to work now is to drive. Knowing the streets of San Francisco, thank God for automatic cars cos I really DO NOT know how to drive manual (or 'stick shift') cars. I might even bust the clutch if I drove up and down the hillies! I am beginning to enjoy morning talk shows. Lamont and Tonelli morning show makes me laugh on the way to work.

The office is also on Lombard St, where most tourists stay and roam the streets. Its the same street as the crooked street. To the locals, it is known to be the Marina District, where the 'baby boomers', 'cookie cutters', yuppies live. Beauty parlors everywhere, thats an advantage to me cos like Nazrah said, I am in dire need of eyebrow grooming. I need pedicure too. Kesian my toesies, got neglected!

Anyway, back to the office topic, today's the start of the grand opening for the new office. Aiyoh.pening pening and more pening! But our team will make it through!

As for kakak Mas, she had the symphony concert at the Cow Palace last night. Great, great performance! I am so proud of her.good job kakak Mas!

It is that day again. The day of wonderful women whom we call Mothers.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL WONDERFUL MOTHERS OUT THERE!!!

Caramel Macchiato....non fat, sugar free vanilla and light caramel. Thats my breakfast everyday. At times when I am sleepy, I would get the triple shot of this bugger. It is soooooooooooo good, no words could describe the goodness of it in the morning, especially when you're sleepy and tired in the morning.

Mak is leaving in 2 weeks, sob sob. She is already planning the dates of when she's coming back already. Wait wait, she's not gone yet, but shes already planning to come back. She says that she would like to bring home one of Suraya's pyjamas that she has worn so that mak could smell this little girl when shes thousands of miles away. I cannot mention about mak leaving to her cos she would get teary eyed. She surely will miss Suraya and Mas...forget me, I am just the surrogate mom hehehe.

Teary eyed, yes, I do get teary eyed when I think of mak leaving. Last week, I did not know what hit me but I cried all the way to work. I will miss my beloved mak....sigh.

In the meantime, I know that you never get enough of Suraya, here's a picture of her in the snow, trying to be a snow angel last weekend when we were at Reno visiting the mom in law.

My Little Einstein

Suraya had her '4 month old' check up last Friday. It gets more fun bringing her to places these days. Every outing is an exploration for her....especially the pediatrician's office where they have butterflies hanging on the celing and walls, strikingly colored wallpapers, wind chimes at the corner of the room and also cartoon characterized 'measuring sheet' where we put her on.

She is 15.12lbs now. The Dr asked what Suraya can do now. I said, the roll from tummy to back and back to tummy, eating solids and she would say the word 'Neng' when she wants milk. The Dr stopped writing and asked me 'Wait wait, what did she say when she wants milk?', I said 'She said Neng' and she asked me again...4 times to be sure and I answered 4 times as well. Firstly, she said that babies learn to roll onto her back from her tummy at age 5 months or so and babies surely do not say a syllable jabber like 'Neng' until they're 6-7 months. Then she said 'This baby is advanced Ely. I wonder what she can do at age 6 months when I see her'.

Well, to me, I did not feel the difference maybe cos she is my 3rd child. But hey, maybe Suraya is my little advanced Super Baby!!!

Kakak Mas was so happy when she heard that Suraya is 'advancing' pretty well. She said 'I told you that my little sister's a genius!'...my Little Einstein :)

Since I got back to work, my whole housekeeping duty has been a blur. Yes...a big blur! I do not even have time to do laundry, more even folding them. Why? I cannot explain why.

Most times when I am home, I have Suraya pelted on me. She would not want anyone with her except for me. When I try to fold the laundry and put her on the bed, sure, she would cooperate for a few minutes and then she would want me to sit next to her and entertain her.

So for the past weeks, my bedroom was filled with clothes. Work clothes, pajamas, socks, underwear, all in different corners of the room. Actually I am (or WAS???) very particular about laundry laying everywhere but lately, I get too tired to even touch any laundry. That I would just be happy laying in bed and fall asleep with Suraya right after dinner.

I can't stand my bedroom now, its like a pig sty to me. God forbid if anyone were to call to visit the baby. I would need ONE WEEK'S NOTICE in order to let my visitors in. Well, thanks to mak, at least the living room and kitchen is always clean.

But I have to tell myself to get up and start 'lipat-ing' the kain baju. I shall let you know if my intention succeeds, in a week's time. No...give me a few weeks okay.

In the meantime, Ely has been somewhat 'fixed' permanently. We did the procedure on Saturday. Its not tubal ligation but a new technique called 'Essure' (Google about it to know more). I was at the clinic at 8am on Saturday, bright and early. The nurse gave me 3 pills...2 Vicodine and 1 Valium (great, Ely will be so doped out, she thought). Then 20 minutes later, I was brought to the examination room and given a painkilling shot (yes, got such thing). Give Ely 20 more minutes and she became delirious. The husband was enjoying seeing me in half 'La La land' and talking nonsense. 10 minutes later, my OBGYN came in and gave me 2 more loooong needle shots in my uterus to numb it. Yes, more shots. Painful? Actually no, I could feel the pinch on the first shot and the second one was nothing at all.

Nope, it wasn't over yet. I was then moved to the surgery room. Great...1 OBGYN, 2 nurses, 1 Essure technician and the husband in the tiny room. I was doped up, I was happy to see everyone in there, with my legs on stirrups, draped with the blue surgery disposable garments, lights turned out and a camera scope in my womb. And then the second OBGYN came in...ahhh, I know her. Feeling my uterus flushed by the cold water, seeing the inside of my tubes via camera on tv, the Dr putting in the Essure on both sides of my fallopian tubes, she then said 'OK done! You're a great patient Ely, not a whimper out of you and you look great!' (remember, don't ever get caught with no make up haha!). The Essure even asked me to rate my pain from 1-10, being the most painful...I said 'No pain'. Was that abnormal?

Heh, but I was waaaaaaaaay dopey when I got back in the car. Got home, I was still dopey like a zombie but feeling the cramps when I carried the baby. But I didn't fight it. Suraya and I took 3 hour nap that day. Who's complaining, even the husband was glad that I was out for 3 hours.

I still feel bloated from that surgery. The girdle didn't work today. I still feel slight cramp especially when I carry Suraya. But I shall recover...enough to finish folding my laundry!

Stuffed cabbage

Mak did the sweetest thing last night. She cooked a Jewish meal for the husband...Stuffed Cabbage.

It was funny, I called mak at 4pm last night and asked her whats for dinner. Firstly, mak surprised me for even cooking dinner (cos usually I would cook dinner or she would wait for me to get home) and then she said that she prepared a 'surprise' dinner for the husband. She told me what it was and made me swear not to tell the husband.

In short, it was a WONDERFUL dinner. Mak moved me to tears. She said that she will go home with the recipe and serve her family and friends with this Jewish Delicacy.

I love you Mak!

Sometimes I thought that things could just be forgotten....easily
But it isn't so
Sometimes I thought that things could just jump back up to normal as if nothing happened
But it isn't so

The hurt, the pain, the sorrows the betrayal, the intrusion
All of the above are not even enough to describe how the heart feels.

Do I think that one day things will get better?
I really don't know
With so much feelings hurt and trust broken
It will be a long while...a long while.

This is the hurt of a mommy who feels violated
A mommy who use to trust everyone in the world...but is finding a hard time doing so now.

She's eating!!!

She will be 4 months this Friday and guess what? She has started eating solids!

Suraya has a hefty appetite. Nothing wrong with that but Mak says that she is drinking 6 ozs of milk and is always hungry. So on Saturday, I have decided to 'test run' and see if she is ready to accept solids. So here's the new mommy who went to target and got her her own bowls, baby spoons, some cereal and some packed Gerber mashed fruits like Applesauce, Pears and Sweet Potatoes.

We got home, sat her on her rocker and tried feeding her some applesause, she took it like a charm! No spit outs, no gagging. She opens her mouth and swallows the half spoonfuls of applesauce. I say that she is truly ready to start solids! I was so excited that I could not sleep on Saturday night thinking that my baby has grown!

Suraya had some cereal yesterday at 10am and a little bit of applesauce at 5pm. She seems to be taking solids pretty well...I am so proud of her!