So much in my head...too much to say but don't know what to write. Makes sense? Nothing does when it comes to Elly.

Have you ever wondered or done a self reflection of yourself? I do that all the time, sometimes too much. Not that I am always all about myself (haha!) but I know that I was born and am here for a reason...not for myself but for the people that I love. I know that I am always here for my friends to rely on me to make them happy, to pour their hearts out at me and for me to pass on my good energy to them.

Many a times when I sense that my beloveds are not happy, I tend to ask myself what I had done wrong. So much so that my BFF says that I sometimes try too hard to make others happy hence, I forgot about myself.

I wish that I could disengage some telepathic dreams that I get with some people who are deep in my heart. Not that I am not appreciating the sense that God had given me but...when I get these 'signals', I tend to think too deep and explore into the dreams...until I get the reason why that dream came to visit.

Last night, I dreamed of a couple of bears. Baby bears. I was visitng my mom's friend when a couple of naughty friendly bears came to me at the front yard and started licking me. From what I know, dreaming of a bear means that I am in rivalry with someone over someone that I love, and if the bear climbed a tree or branch or rock, the rivalry will be in my favor. Stupid huh? But as I drove to work, I kept thinking of how friendly that black bear was to me :)

Husband, am I fighting with the 'bears' that you were talking about? Hahahaha...

Let me go see who I am in rivalry with....

Note to self: Make sure I love with all my heart, not half, not a quarter

Matt's visit will come up next post...stay tuned

Early AM...

And I am still up. The baby's in her sister's room. The hubba's snoring on the other end of the bed. Even Pinky the cat has left me 2 minutes ago to maybe run some errands in the house.




Why am I still awake? The storm outside is wild! Winds at abt 40 mph howling through the cracks of my bedroom window. The owl can't sing in this weather so I can't fall asleep to my regular white noise.

That birthday party was great, I must tell ya. That tireless dance must have been another reason for me still being awake.


Random question to self: 'Is a few minutes better than none at all?'



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Miller Ave,Pacifica,United States

TGIF

How cool is this. 2 years of not blogging and I can blog from my iphone. How technology make us such suckers! $2.99 for this iblog app dammit!

Want Suraya's latest pic? Here...

She was sipping on hot choc at a gf's place last night

Things to celebrate:

Its FRIDAY! I deserve this weekend. I think I had worked hard enough to devour this measely 2 day break...right?

To me, a good weekend break would be yoga, mani/pedi, date with my fluffy couch and maybe a jacuzzi bath in the comfort of my very own casa.

Oh I forgot to tell you in my previous posting that I have turned into a yoga freak. Wait...not the any type of yoga...its Bikram Hot Yoga. This cool sh*t had changed my life mentally and physically. Well, I still have a potty mouth but trust me, I'm a more patient person and apparently, more flexible.

Matt is flying into San Francisco on Sunday. My kids will be a full count again. Such priviledge this momma will be getting in the next 3 weeks of hers and her family's life. Prepare for an overkill of pictures and updates.

 

Note to self: Date night tonight. Hope it wont be part one of party weekend

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Clement St,San Francisco,United States

I'm baaaaccckkkk!

Funny...I have been peeking into this page since my son uncovered it this morning.

These nimble fingers just wanting to type and spill away. It had surely been a long long while since the last I expressed myself. 2 years to be exact.

Alot has happened....ALOT. Kids getting bigger, Im getting older...but hotter hahaha!

Let me introduce the new love of my life. My partner in crime, my alter ego...Ms Nora. Funny how I have known about her mom longer than I even knew she existed, until last year when one fine day, we met during Eid. We were blessed...by Allah to meet, support and feed each other with good energy.

My still eternal love of my life, Ms Nazrah whos in Dubai is always the love of my life and that will never change :)

Matt is already 18 and almost 6 feet tall, Mas is 17 and 2 inches taller than me and Suraya's 4 and is learning to speak like her sister.

Yes Im still married...10 years this year, huh...he still hasnt quit on me yet *rolls eyes*

OK...now part of me has been released. I might come back, real soon!

OMG

The son uncovered this blog again.

So...here I am...gosh...where do I start...where do I REALLY REALLY start?

Well...guess I will come back when Im ready to flow on here again :)

Its been a while...

since I last updated this space of mine. Wow...been months eh?

Nothing much but a lot happened. Ironic enough? If you know me that well, thats so normal of me dont you think?

So I shall try to pen my thoughts here again from now on....I hope!

Alot of things have been on my mind, my work, family, myself, myself and myself hahaha.

Let me thaw my brains and leave you with this and I promise I shall be back with more meaningful thoughts of the day...

So I have not been updated since time began. To those who are on Facebook, you know you get my chronicles from there. Those who do not have Facebook, start one now :)

Where should I start updating? Its been a long time hasnt it? Hmmm...

Suraya turned 2 in December. 2 weeks after her birthday, she fell off the bed and fractured her right upper femur. We were in the hospital for 2 days to get a cast on her. Its a full body spica cast as the fracture is close to the hip and a spica cast is needed to ensure full healing.

What did this entail? Well, I have been home since then. I am on Family Leave all the way till March just to care for this little munchkin.

But wait...it has been 5 weeks already which means that the Dr will remove her cast this coming Tuesday. So Suraya will have her freedom back!

I promise I shall try to update this page as often as my journal in Facebook.

In the meantime, here are some pics and a video of Yaya..

Wow it surely had been a while...

Nothing much has changed in my life. We changed president, we are still trying to get use to the fall back time and I am getting almost close to getting used to drive in the dark with the morons who cant drive in the dark!

Business has been slow...but I learned now, when the month starts off slow, it will take off in the 2nd half of the month. Allah always rescues me in the end.

2 nights ago, I dreamed that I asked Kakak Mas to cook 2 cups of rice. After 20 minutes, thinking that the rice could have been cooked, I opened the rice cooker and it was filled with puffy white rice, filled to the brim. Could be a good sign? Rezeki? I dont know, InsyaAllah.

Gotta thank my husband for buying me a Coach Wallet last night. Aheem, I had to fight hard for it. Yes, we fought over it cos I was rolling on the floor throwing fits saying that I WANT THAT WALLET hehehe. Not that it costs so much to burn a hole in my pocket. He was just being an a*s about it.

In the meantime, I am waiting for my boots to arrive by mail. Cant wait!!!

So I have learned, things do not go my way as I would like all the time. Hmm...I thought I have learned that many years ago already?

Thank you for your IM and emails. Some I tak sempat jawab. I am okay...really I am.

Here's prove that I am still alive...taken on Halloween.

Abang Matt will be 16 in 7 days. Yaya will be 2 in 4+ weeks. My wish for my kids? I wish they know that Ibu thinks the world of them and loves them to death!

And life moves on...
Sorrow one day and happy the next. I have to do that keep myself sane. I know I have people around me who relies on my positive energy.

I have a wish. To have my son here soon. Things have been in a disarray lately. Something happened and my son's intention to come visit SF was 'sidetracked'. It was noone's fault...noone's at all. Maybe we all tried too hard to make things better but it turned out to be otherwise.

I have been coaxing my son...to come see me. I miss him so so much that it hurts. It hurts everyday from the fact that he is away from me. Everyday it hurts. I have never seen all my 3 kids in front of me.

I did my second coaxing already. I would do the third and fourth whatever I can do to let him know that ibu wants to see him badly.

All I can do is hope and pray to Allah, for Him to show me my son soon.

But you know, if he really is not coming soon, I will still love him no matter what.

I keep telling myself
That things will be okay...
It will be okay
But.....................

I am not sure now
I try and I try
I save everyone's feelings
But....................what about my own feelings?

I protect, I am sensitive, I forgive,
But does anyone care how I feel?
Or are their feelings more important than mine?


I would do anything for the ones I love
Would they do the same for me? For my sake?
Or are their feelings more important than mine?

Do I really matter?

Sigh......I do not know

Is this going to be a 'venting' blog entry? I really dont know.

Past weeks had been a daze to me. From trying to keep the whole family back to the pink of health to trying to make my numbers in this slow economy.

At the same time, I had a fallout with my former sales team from my previous office. She accused me of stealing her prospect, who is my current customer. To make the story short, she accused me of being a liar and that I was that desperate for my numbers that I would steal anything to get it. It was okay if she called me a liar (which I am bad at doing so, you can call me whatever you want) but of her accusing me of stealing to get my numbers? I dont know, as much as I have tried so very hard to shrug it off but heck...that was some hurtful statement that she had thrown at me.

She mentioned that if I were her friend, I would not steal from her. But then, if she were my friend, she would have given my customer my current phone number and not go ahead and made the sale for herself no? I didnt say that last statement to her as I was too busy defending myself with the accusation. I am just not good with 'sudden shot' comebacks. But in the end, the customer did get in touch with me and ended up buying second insurance from me.

Sometimes I wonder, when does a friend really become a friend? When does a friend just turn her back on you and stab you in the front?

I guess I will NEVER find out. Life's like a box of chocolates remember? You will never know what you're going to get.

For now, I still could not believe that she had said that to me.

The voice disappeared and returned. Lets see what tomorrow will bring. Enough of being sick at home for 4 days. Time for me to smell the air and get back to work (dangit!).

I keep telling everyone that I am looking for another job. Sigh..I do love my job but I just cant stand the pressure. With my baby growing, I just do not want to miss a heartbeat of her growth and I know that I will.

And sometimes I feel that I do not need this crappy pressure thinking of my stupid job when I should just enjoy my kids as they grow.

Believe me, I have been looking 'main main' at Yahoo hotjobs. Hmmm, I do qualify to be a banker, just add Life and Annuity license and I am good to go, but they also have sales quota. I can be an insurance account manager, an underwriter (again!), an insurance sales manager and maybe a well qualifed housewife hahaha. I know I am not a quitter but who knows kan?

Last night I dreamed that I was trying to ride a bicycle up a steep hill. Berangan aku nak naik basikal tinggi2 hahaha. I managed to cycle part of it but then I started dragging the bike. And then a friend (hes a top rep in northern california) came with his white van, picked me up and my bike. Was that an omen? That he will help me with my fortune? I emailed him today and told him about my dream. He said that he surely has been thinking of me pass couple of days but no fortune to pass to me yet...aiyah!

Anyway, insyaAllah, Allah must have an agenda for me...I just have a good feeling about it. Maybe slowly but surely...who knows!

What am I doing at home on a Monday morning when I am supposed to be at work?

I am swarmed with the cold again...and I thought I had fought it successfully.

I dont fall sick too often. But not this year, maybe due to age (pffftt!) and stress level.

Got a bad cold 2 weeks ago and thought I was done for the season. It came back Friday night from work, on my way to the car. The 'ah chooo' did not stop from there.

I have taken 3/4 bottle of 'daytime' Tylenol, nothing has happened yet.

Now...all I need is rest, which is a sinful rarity when you have Yaya in the house thinking that mommy's home to be with her.

I have a client to meet at 7pm tonight. At least I know that I am selling something even when I am not at work.

So I gave in, woke up feeling so emotional, just cos its Hari Raya. Its hard...when my son is there. I know I sound as if I am in denial, evasive but it hurts when I face it.

Before I went to work, I sat with Yaya in front of the computer, went to youtube.com and listened to Sanisah Huri's raya song. I was laughing and in tears at the same time. Laughing cos Yaya swayed back and forth as soon as she heard the song, she turned around and smiled at me in delight. Sad cos the picture of my son came into my head.

For 30 days I evaded this feeling, 30 days. But I had to give in right?

This doesnt mean that I will start listening to Raya songs again, I might.

Raya is in 2 days. How am I feeling? Hmm…I try not to think about raya as it can be depressing, thinking of my family back there and how fun it would be if we were there this very minute. Togetherness, that’s what I miss the most since I moved here.

Well, to begin, we have an Employee Engagement meeting on that day and I have to be in the office no later than 7:30 in the morning. Baru teringat nak masak lontong on that day. But that’s okay, I just shared with the husband that I will cook lontong the night before.

Nope, I have not been listening to ANY raya songs. Have not been listening to any Singapore radio. I just can't do it and have not been doing it since my son lives in Singapore 2 years ago.

But I do remember the time when we did celebrate raya when my son was here. We all had to go to work and school but we had a decent dinner for 4. I was very happy as I felt that my family was complete.

And I remember around this time when mak and bapak would be fighting over just about anything. Its called the annual raya gaduh. Must be the pressure of having to cook so many dishes in one day eventhough I was always known to be my mother's seus chef for raya.

And then we have our open house for our huge family. Yea, we cooked a lot for my 100 something odd multi generation relatives. It was nice…and beautiful.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya to all of you out there. Enjoy your family kat kampung or whereever they may be. And stay safe!

Maaf Zahir Batin...

Someone says that I need to update my blog more often so that she will know what is happening on my side of the world.

Sigh...nothing but alot has happened. Moved to a new office, not used to the slow foot traffic, my numbers hit the bottomest in history.

You see, when I wanted to move back to San Francisco, I had an ultimatum. Wealth or happiness, no compromise. I chose the latter cos I truly was not happy in the Daly City (yes, the office where my numbers boomed like fireworks). How can I not be happy when I am making all that money right? But I never fit in that office. This office is like family, the people I had been working with for the past 6 years. Of course my numbers and paycheck will hurt at least for the first couple of months. I was depressed, devastated cos I am going to hit rock bottom numbers and lose my Silver status. I was in total daze for the past few weeks until last weekend.

I was at home and had Suraya with me for 3 days...and I still wasnt happy cos I was clouded by my work stress. Then I thought. Money can't buy happiness, there is more to life than work, like this baby sitting in front of me longing for love.

So I snapped out of depression (for now!) and said to myself 'Screw it, I have a family to be happy with'. And my production got a little better I think....still will be the worst number ever but heck! this is my first month being in a new office.

Anyway, Raya is in a week. Sometimes that adds on to the depression. Miss my son, my family back home. Kak Jah will be cooking lontong for us on the 2nd day of raya. So I must go there at least to feel suasana raya.

I hope my twin will recover soon from her back ache. Kesian aku tengok kau...cepat sembuh ok.

Here's Yaya at the aquarium...

Current state of mind : Frustrated and stressed to the max!!!

New office has been wonderful but business has not. The company has clamped down on a lot of new business guidelines which makes selling to be very very tough. To make things worse, I was not credited on the production for some policies that I sold...6 of them. I threw a fit and demanded that they better pay me for this coming pay check.

I know...being in a new location can be trying for a business. It takes time. But I am not patient enough. No...I dont have the patience at all!!!

I keep telling the husband that maybe I dont need such stress right now. Maybe I shoud jusy stay home and vegetate and not think of work.

I am in a panic mode. If I dont make my numbers in 3 months, it would be time for me to say 'bye bye' and stay home eh? Some say that its better to get fired and claim unemployment than quit and not get unemployment.

Please ignore what I just typed...I am in an insanity state of mind.

I have finally adhered to my twin's and other girlfriends' advise...to go to the MAC Costmetic counter and get consulted by the overly made up sales people.

It was a quiet Sunday morning when I decided to drag the 2 girls to the mall to get makeup. So excited, not to get a makeover but to finally get a good makeup that will hide my tiny zits that I earned on my last days working at the old office. With age catching up, I do need a foundation and powder that can cover flaws and hold up, plastered to my face for at least 8 hours a day and hide my still populating freckles (YES, I do wear SPF moisturizer, if you need to ask).

20 minutes later, I spent some chunk of my dough on the makeup, I bought from a 'he/she whatever you call it' person. Whoelse could give me the best advise on beauty eh? I almost bought that goat hair foundation brush that costs US$44, but but but, I resisted temptation eventhough I am still thinking of buying it.

So now, no more wondering if my zits are covered, makeup still holding up after 6 hours cos I know that I still look like a doll at 4:30pm hahahaha!

Twin, you're not the only one telling to go to MAC, a few others did too and some of my friends even tried asking me to buy the goast haired brush!

Next mission...MAC goat haired brush and the 'Charged water revitalizing energy' spray.

Sometimes I think and wonder. No...MOST times I think and I wonder...have I really done something offensive to have pissed people off so bad that they would think its more worth it for them to ignore me? Hmmm...

I try not to think of such things, but each time when I do not think about it, that would be the first and the last thing I would think of during the day. I get irritated, cos people can would prefer to not deal with a problem and act as if nothing had happened but they would once in a while show signs at you that they actually do still have a problem with you.

I do not care who they can be in my life but such hyprocritism in turn has offended me so much that I would rather not have communications with them until they decide to talk about it.

Its not that I am being adamant or arrogant but it is very hard when I always try my best, my very best to heal matters with no bad conscience but it in turn comes back like a twisted knife stabbed on my back.

I am not a hypocrite, what you see in me, is what you get. If there is something that I could be offended over something, I usually talk about it and forget about it. I can be overly honest with my feelings that I tend to offend others too eh.

I am very tired of this. Maybe the problem will resolve my itself. All I want is truth and confronting with our feelings.

Will I offend anyone with this posting, I dont know, what can I say, I can still be considered offensive even if I didnt mention anything.

Twin, manerlah kau dah menghilang....I miss you!