Have I ever mentioned that I am psychic? Not that I can read your mind but I can visualize future comings through dreams? Sometimes I can connect to people who are close to me and know if they're sick, unhappy, depressed or anything else. Makcik Melopong and mak had sent me messages through my dreams. Yeah, I know, I am THAT weird but I think its a gift from Allah.
So last night I dreamed of the ex husband. You know, I have dreamed of him quite a bit recently. Not that that he's my 'dream man' anymore (geddit, dream guy? eeew) but something tells me that he is needing some closure since our break up.
Why did I say that? Cos 9-10 years ago when I told him that our marriage was over, I never told him what was wrong. I just told him that I quit. I did not tell him that I was tired of being the one who wore the pants in the house, getting him out of debts...when I was not working and on top of that, being controlled by his ego maniac attitude.
He did not come out of the divorce well. In fact, I think he was emotionally crumbled (I heard that he was in deep depression)by all this, he chose to detach himself from any contacts with his kids, even when they were still living in Singapore. As a result, my kids now are not that close to him...although they hope everyday that their father would sometimes have the sense to call them or send them letters.
Each time now when I dream of him. I did not know how to feel. Noo...I dont have feelings for him but, should I feel guilty for turning him to this kind of situation? Was I selfish when I made the decision to end the marriage? I do feel bad for him as until today, he is still a lost individual.
He is currently living with a girlfriend (Yea as far as I know he has not married her yet), who is 10 years older than him and has 4 kids. My kids said that their father devotes his time more on his 'step' kids more than them (is a phone call that laborous?). I think he is happy...I hope he is cos at least I would feel that I am continuing to put him in depression. But why am I still dreaming of him?
Each time when that happens, I dreamed that he was running after me and trying to give me a hug, asking me to reconcile with him. And all I did in that dream was to be mean to him, yelling at him to stay away from me, or to get over it, etc etc.
Have you heard of this song called Cenderawasih by Dikir Temasek? You see, I played my bunch of malay songs this morning when I was doing massive cleaning. This song came out. You know, when we were going through the divorce, he loved playing this song. The lyrics...its like 'loser' lyrics to me but maybe he was that hurt. Of course my big munchkin does not like this song as it reminds her of him.
So am I feeling guilty for his feelings? I dont know. Maybe I am feeling guilty for not expressing or addressing the real reason on why I wanted out of my marriage. I feel guilty for not providing him the closure.
Does it matter now if I were to ever tell him? Maybe if I did tell him he would do a self reflection and treat his girlfriend better? Or would a World War III break out as always when we speak to each other as he likes to throw cheap shots at me?
I dont know...really. But for now, I hope this dream would stop buggin me.
So last night I dreamed of the ex husband. You know, I have dreamed of him quite a bit recently. Not that that he's my 'dream man' anymore (geddit, dream guy? eeew) but something tells me that he is needing some closure since our break up.
Why did I say that? Cos 9-10 years ago when I told him that our marriage was over, I never told him what was wrong. I just told him that I quit. I did not tell him that I was tired of being the one who wore the pants in the house, getting him out of debts...when I was not working and on top of that, being controlled by his ego maniac attitude.
He did not come out of the divorce well. In fact, I think he was emotionally crumbled (I heard that he was in deep depression)by all this, he chose to detach himself from any contacts with his kids, even when they were still living in Singapore. As a result, my kids now are not that close to him...although they hope everyday that their father would sometimes have the sense to call them or send them letters.
Each time now when I dream of him. I did not know how to feel. Noo...I dont have feelings for him but, should I feel guilty for turning him to this kind of situation? Was I selfish when I made the decision to end the marriage? I do feel bad for him as until today, he is still a lost individual.
He is currently living with a girlfriend (Yea as far as I know he has not married her yet), who is 10 years older than him and has 4 kids. My kids said that their father devotes his time more on his 'step' kids more than them (is a phone call that laborous?). I think he is happy...I hope he is cos at least I would feel that I am continuing to put him in depression. But why am I still dreaming of him?
Each time when that happens, I dreamed that he was running after me and trying to give me a hug, asking me to reconcile with him. And all I did in that dream was to be mean to him, yelling at him to stay away from me, or to get over it, etc etc.
Have you heard of this song called Cenderawasih by Dikir Temasek? You see, I played my bunch of malay songs this morning when I was doing massive cleaning. This song came out. You know, when we were going through the divorce, he loved playing this song. The lyrics...its like 'loser' lyrics to me but maybe he was that hurt. Of course my big munchkin does not like this song as it reminds her of him.
So am I feeling guilty for his feelings? I dont know. Maybe I am feeling guilty for not expressing or addressing the real reason on why I wanted out of my marriage. I feel guilty for not providing him the closure.
Does it matter now if I were to ever tell him? Maybe if I did tell him he would do a self reflection and treat his girlfriend better? Or would a World War III break out as always when we speak to each other as he likes to throw cheap shots at me?
I dont know...really. But for now, I hope this dream would stop buggin me.
Dont like this song? Lets be happy and listen to this song instead hehehe...
2 comments:
Gosh that's tough. I don't know much about relationships, having only been in one relationship all my adult life. And I certainly don't know anything about kids! Having said that: I wonder if you'd feel less guilty if you didn't have kids from your previous marriage. I sort of understand why you'd feel guilty for abandoning your ex, who doesn't seem to be as strong as you are. But nevertheless, he's an adult; he has the necessary tools to heal himself, should he wish to. But kids are different: they don't choose to be born, and they don't often have a say in their parents' divorce (I presume). Maybe you're feeling guilty because he doesn't seem to be a strong dad to your older kids?
I don't know. I'm just blabbing. Don't listen to me!
maybe u're right on all of the above my dear! u think u blabber, but u're making sense :)
hey btw, i have been trying for the longest time to comment on ur blog but the 'verification code' just does not seem to appear on my screen. but i have been reading ur postings!
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