The 'not so happy' times...

OOD’s posting triggered me to write this.

WARNING : this is a long posting with no commercials. If you're ready for a long read...please proceed.

Some might say that I am washing dirty linen in public. But my whole purpose of this posting is to share my experience with others. Manerlah tau satu hari nanti, someone would write to me and tells me that I have inspired this person to look on the brighter side of life. That life is not all about sadness and problems. Problems will always be there, but its how you handle it kan?

I was only 17 when I met my ex husband. By 18, I was married. Get this…I was just out of school, an Anglican Mission School and I used to be the ‘liberated’ and open minded girl in school. I did now know what came to me to have married someone who was so the opposite of me. Nothing was common between us.

He was a guy who was happy on what he was doing and had no vision in life. Always being the ‘pee on’ by his friends and siblings and still didn’t know how to stand for his own rights. To stand for his own dignity. And me? When I married him, I was the one who had to interfere on how his brothers and sisters treated him.

And I was the one who had to make decisions on money, on where the kids were going to school, on making sure that the kids could read the Quran at age 5.

Being married to him had been a human cage to me. Despite having to make vital decisions for my family, I was however not allowed to make decisions for my life. He said that a wife’s life is up to the husband. Husband says stay home and care for your kids, that’s what you do. Husband says you don’t visit your parents, that’s what you have to do.

I didn’t know why I didn’t say no and just leave him when I was feeling that way in the 1st place. I was then 22 and felt that my life was being wasted. Mom volunteered to care for the kids, he said no. he said that his wife should care for the kids. He expected me to be like his late mom. From head to toe mesti layan. I am so sorry, but I am no slave!

Marriage is togetherness, understanding each other and loving each other no matter how bad your attitudes can be at times.

Not in my previous marriage. He didn’t like me talking to his friends, he would say that I was being a flirt. I was not allowed to attend any courses to enhance my career. No such thing. I felt so stupid, angry and knew that I had to do something about my own life…for myself.

What triggered me to just sit down and tell him that I had to move on? When my best friend went through a divorce, I was the one who was with her everyday. To comfort her and telling her that it was not the end of the world. When her divorce was finalized, I just felt the energy she gave me. That happiness is in myself. I had to make it happen or I would be miserable for life.

Took me 6 months to decide. I got pretty quiet in my marriage. I started telling my ex that my daughter was 5 and it was time for me to go out and resume my career. But he said no. That was when I felt that I had to do something for myself.

After much argument, he let me work for my previous insurance company. I was so happy…for a bit. Then he started calling me every hour. I would come home fighting with him…being accused of not being at work but gallivanting with other men (Allah sajalah yang tau).

That was enough to push me out of the marriage. Enough to just put my foot down and tell him that I had it! No more of marriage his style! No more…

So I sat him down on a Saturday afternoon. Told him, ‘I don’t know how else to tell you this. But I really cannot go on with this marriage anymore’. Seram sejuk after I said that….he was 6 feet and me 5 foot 1, what if he just turned around and bantai me? Tak ker aniaya?

He asked me why? I said that this was not the marriage that I was looking for. Memang, orang kata, most divorce come from infidelity, but not anymore. Women are getting more educated and women know that we could go on with life on our own if the need arises. Now that’s me. He kept asking, ‘Why divorce me without infidelity?’. I said that I didn’t need that at all! If I said that I could not continue, I meant that it was over, kaput, no more.

No, I did not say that he was this and that, that he was not the one for me and all that. I don’t like to talk a person down like that as I was part to blame. Tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi. All I told him was that he needed to analyze himself. Ask himself how the marriage had been for him. And I told him that this marriage had been a failure to me.

Got the ex mad. He left the house with my daughter hanging by the house gate screaming for him. I could take the hate he shows me but not the hurt he gave to my kids. And I promised that the hurt he gave my kids, he would get in return. What goes around comes around kan?

In the end, dia jatuhkan talak satu in front of my parents. MasyaAllah, sungguh lega rasanya. Call me evil but, the next 3 months of iddah, hari2 I doa supaya dia tak rujuk kembali. Supaya ia berjalan lancar.

What hurt me most during the divorce was seeing my kids getting hurt. They cried a whole lot, missing their dad, who refused to visit them. But I tried not to cry in front of them cos they could only handle their own feelings at that time. My feelings was secondary. I was relieved to have not had the ex in my life. But the kids getting hurt, enough to tell myself that I will never ever hurt them anymore in my whole life. We used to sleep in each others arms, my girl crying to sleep, my son avoiding the emotional pain.

If not cos of my parents and sister, memang lah the kids would not have recovered emotionally quickly. They filled in the gaps of sorrow and emptiness in the kids life.

2 years of being single again had been fun. No I wasn’t really looking for a replacement, after the bad marriage? Oh so tidak.

I dunno…sesungguhnya takdir menemukan David and myself….6,000 miles away. That will be in another posting ok!

So there, my life is not all happy. I went through great unhappiness in life too. At the tender age of 27! But I kept gripping my fist and telling myself to get up and go, get up and go. All for the sake of the kids and myself.

Sesapa yang dah menangis tuh, sorry, tissue not provided…