I just kept in touch with a friend after 6 years of not hearing from her. She is divorced. None of which I knew about until she messaged me one day and told me about it.
How did I feel? Hmmm…at first I was mad, mad at myself for not even knowing that my closest friend went through what I did, not being able to give her emotional support when she needed it. But then it came out to reality…that when a person was going through a rough patch in life, they would have no time to discuss his/her problem until the aftermath, which I totally understand. But all the while when she was going through this nasty experience, she thought of me. She said that I have inspired her…to get up and go …with the strength that I have supposedly shown to her (did I say it right my friend? Please email me to confirm).
The reason for her divorce was totally different from mine. Mine was not due to a 3rd party but it was what we call ‘irreconcilable difference’. Like many people expect in a divorce, hers was due to infidelity.
She came out of this misery strong…for the sake of her kids. Now, she is relieved and happy, that she doesn’t have to deal with anymore guesses, uncertainties and anger which her ex husband once put upon her and her kids.
Then my ultimate question to her. Is she embarrassed that she is now what the malays call ‘Janda’ with a capital ‘J’? Now, why did I ask that? Why did I sound so bloody insensitive? Actually, she knew that I asked because I had gone through it once…I mean, the ‘J’ status. She said,’No, I am not embarrassed. In fact, if you could see my face now, I am a very happy lady. Am glad that I made that decision’. Good for her I thought…good for her. Cos I told her that not ALL women would feel the same about going through a divorce. Not all women dare to even stand up for their own rights of happiness and they would rather be cheated on and stay in the marriage, for the sake of her kids.
In this modern society (or maybe not), back home, of course the status of ‘jandaism’ is always being mocked upon. The general minds of society are :
• She doesn’t know how to take care of her husband hence, the husband found another.
• Why did they split? No third party involved, why can’t they just bite down and make the marriage work?
• Be careful, the next door neighbor is a janda. Jaga laki kau baik2. taulah orang lelaki nih pantang nampak janda dahi licin.
• Dia tuh kan janda…
Yes, when I was a janda, I did feel that. I felt weird, well I was comfortable with my decision but I stopped going to weddings and gatherings just so that I wouldn’t imagine getting glares from relatives or others who are of my parents’.
Now what is wrong with being a janda? Why are ‘jandas’ treated as second classed citizens in the asian world? OK OK, I know that ‘jandas’ are well known for being ‘marriage breakers’ or perampas suami orang. The fact also states that some married men find ‘jandas’ to be more interested for whatever reason that I could not even explain. Maybe the men feel that ‘jandas’ need tender loving care…’for free’. I dare say that I was once involved with a married man with 2 little kids 3 months after my divorce. Don’t worry, I ‘abolished’ him 9 months after as I did not want to live up to my status of being a ‘marriage breaker’. Nope, the wife never found out…I kindly 'returned' him to his family (which he thought that I was using him due to his high career status). I told him that his pregnant wife and little kids needed him more than me and that our relationship would be a waste of time.
To me, a woman divorces because there’s no way out. A woman divorced and it was her decision. No one would make the wrong decision to make hers or her kids’ lives miserable. She loves herself and her world now is about making HERSELF and HER OWN KIDS happy.
I respect the women who know and stand for their rights in being happy. Remember, not all women would have the guts to make the decision like you (and me) once made.
To my dearest friend and all women who had gone through this phase in life…”Here’s to happiness!”
ps - I am very proud of you my friend. And I am glad that I have unknowingly inspired you. Errr, please don't look at me regarding 'internet dating' ok, hehehe.
*Hope I am not a bad influence to some!*
How did I feel? Hmmm…at first I was mad, mad at myself for not even knowing that my closest friend went through what I did, not being able to give her emotional support when she needed it. But then it came out to reality…that when a person was going through a rough patch in life, they would have no time to discuss his/her problem until the aftermath, which I totally understand. But all the while when she was going through this nasty experience, she thought of me. She said that I have inspired her…to get up and go …with the strength that I have supposedly shown to her (did I say it right my friend? Please email me to confirm).
The reason for her divorce was totally different from mine. Mine was not due to a 3rd party but it was what we call ‘irreconcilable difference’. Like many people expect in a divorce, hers was due to infidelity.
She came out of this misery strong…for the sake of her kids. Now, she is relieved and happy, that she doesn’t have to deal with anymore guesses, uncertainties and anger which her ex husband once put upon her and her kids.
Then my ultimate question to her. Is she embarrassed that she is now what the malays call ‘Janda’ with a capital ‘J’? Now, why did I ask that? Why did I sound so bloody insensitive? Actually, she knew that I asked because I had gone through it once…I mean, the ‘J’ status. She said,’No, I am not embarrassed. In fact, if you could see my face now, I am a very happy lady. Am glad that I made that decision’. Good for her I thought…good for her. Cos I told her that not ALL women would feel the same about going through a divorce. Not all women dare to even stand up for their own rights of happiness and they would rather be cheated on and stay in the marriage, for the sake of her kids.
In this modern society (or maybe not), back home, of course the status of ‘jandaism’ is always being mocked upon. The general minds of society are :
• She doesn’t know how to take care of her husband hence, the husband found another.
• Why did they split? No third party involved, why can’t they just bite down and make the marriage work?
• Be careful, the next door neighbor is a janda. Jaga laki kau baik2. taulah orang lelaki nih pantang nampak janda dahi licin.
• Dia tuh kan janda…
Yes, when I was a janda, I did feel that. I felt weird, well I was comfortable with my decision but I stopped going to weddings and gatherings just so that I wouldn’t imagine getting glares from relatives or others who are of my parents’.
Now what is wrong with being a janda? Why are ‘jandas’ treated as second classed citizens in the asian world? OK OK, I know that ‘jandas’ are well known for being ‘marriage breakers’ or perampas suami orang. The fact also states that some married men find ‘jandas’ to be more interested for whatever reason that I could not even explain. Maybe the men feel that ‘jandas’ need tender loving care…’for free’. I dare say that I was once involved with a married man with 2 little kids 3 months after my divorce. Don’t worry, I ‘abolished’ him 9 months after as I did not want to live up to my status of being a ‘marriage breaker’. Nope, the wife never found out…I kindly 'returned' him to his family (which he thought that I was using him due to his high career status). I told him that his pregnant wife and little kids needed him more than me and that our relationship would be a waste of time.
To me, a woman divorces because there’s no way out. A woman divorced and it was her decision. No one would make the wrong decision to make hers or her kids’ lives miserable. She loves herself and her world now is about making HERSELF and HER OWN KIDS happy.
I respect the women who know and stand for their rights in being happy. Remember, not all women would have the guts to make the decision like you (and me) once made.
To my dearest friend and all women who had gone through this phase in life…”Here’s to happiness!”
ps - I am very proud of you my friend. And I am glad that I have unknowingly inspired you. Errr, please don't look at me regarding 'internet dating' ok, hehehe.
*Hope I am not a bad influence to some!*
12 comments:
Hi Ely, yes, you got the essence of what we spoke about right. Thanks for being there and hearing me out. Was a relieve just to know that I have finally kept you in the loop of things. Here's to happiness! Mine, yours and our kids! And yes, if God wills it, I hope to find someone who appreciates me for the woman that I am, the mother that I am and the human that I am. Insya Allah.
ms anonymous...u know that i always have time for u. yup, u finally 'put' me in the loop and i think u still would not hear the end of me (hehehe).
u will find someone who will love u for what u are and will love ur kids to death!
how to find men like that eh? we gotta have another 'conference' on that hehehe.
love u!
I always feel sad when reading about divorces, especially if there was a third party involved. But I also feel happy to read about women coming out stronger and happier, and confident about the decision THEY made. Why let someone else dictate whether you should be happy or not. To Ely's friend, I wish you HAPPY DAYS ahead.
it's better to be alone and lonely than being lonely in a relationship. whatever it is, just pick up the pieces and get on with life.
Husband's gone but the most precious thing that you ever have is the children and they are your gem... Hope your friend is feeling super duper okay!!! Guess the only thing that can be done is to give her all the support she needed!
qoth, mama rock and MJ, thank you for much for ur words of encouragement. i am sure this dearest friend of mine will appreciate ur thoughts :)
Ely, i always admire kekuatan wanita macam your friend tu. bukan senang dan sangat besar dugaannya dan dia boleh melaluinya dan bangun semula.
cuma kadang2 susah kita hendak mendapat back up from another perempuan dan perempuan jugalah yang memandang hina dan pandang semacam pada jandaism seperti yang you kata tu.
kita sepatutnya membantu dan bela mereka tp kita yang pompuan ni pulak yang buruk sangka :(
Hey all, thanks so much for your support. It's great to know there are encouraging voices out there. Believe me, as I told Ely, I wasn't all this strong and confident before. I went through hell thinking what my life would be like after that, what would happen to the kids, if I could live without him, if I had brought all these upon myself and all those crap. Honestly, it was the weakest period of my life. I wallowed in self-pity and I felt like I could not go on.
Then one day, I snapped. He has done enough to destroy my life and our children's hopes and dreams. I cannot add on to that destruction. I still have a life and a much valued life at that. I had support, lots of it, from his family and mine. I got up, reconnected with myself and tried to find the centre of my being. I watched Oprah, read self-help books, spoke to some close friends (sorry Ely darling, you were too far away!) and then decided enough was enough. I had God at the centre of my being and that's my puopose in life. He has given me the strength, the wisdom and the sanity. The least I can do is live and seize the day! And I am so glad that I have made it thus far. So in a very very ironic way, I think I'm the woman that I am today because of my ex-husband. Funny how God plans for you to realise your purpose in life through the most painful way possible. Now, I don't need him anymore because he has ceased to function in my life. He is my past (as what Ely clearly ingrained into my head) and i can finally tell him "Jalan dah!" Yippee!
kak kusyi, memang susah mencari perempuan yang mempunyai kekuatan kan? i am very proud of my friend for going thru this too.
eh kawanKU, u might want to open your own blog hehehe. i am sure u have tonnes to write about. i love having u here! muahs!
the strength and determination that you and your friend have is all inspiring. All I can say to yr friend is - march on honey and never look back! you'll do great.
We only live once..and we'd better make sure we live happy eh?
Miss you lah ely!
mammal, do u believe that inner strength is sometimes earned? its like u have to go thru the worst to gain more strength. and then u will feel that anything else is nothing.
i miss u so much too! we keep missing each other online!
Ely :
Loved this post ! Seriously, I donno why people make up labels and stereotyping different status of mankind. Janda, anak dara tua, bujang terlajak etc etc...
Don't they see that life is about choices. And everyone has every right to decide on their destiny. I, for one am not going to conform to what society dicates of me - just to put up a front.
Heck, no way Jose. I want to be happy, not living a hypocrital life, PRETENDING that everything is alright.
I am lucky to be surrounded by positive people. Never once I heard people (friends or family) telling/asking me if I am not afraid of the TITLE.
Just like your friend said, boleh JALAN DAAA...
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