Sometimes I asked myself…what is good parenting? Does good parenting involve material or good parenting is attention given to the kids and ensure that they will grow up to be responsible and useful adults in future? I don’t know…this has been the question raised between the husband and myself, for many reasons on many occasions.
I can't make comparisons of parenting back home and parenting here. To me, parenting is parenting…same responsibility, same ole scenario just like when we were younger, only that it gets 10x more complicating at times.
Now that the kids are 12 and 13, they are more aware of how they look like, who they hang out with, what kind of songs they listen to and even what they want on their bodies. This is like 'monkey see monkey do' stage for them…excluding 'monkey see monkey do' from their parents. The bad influences are the easiest for them to follow and adapt, the good ones are the hardest (as we all know cos we've been through that ourselves!).
They're starting to go to sleepovers. When they come back, that’s when the kids tend to make comparisons of their friends' lifestyle to ours.
First example: Cellphones.
At such a young age, no where does this necessity of cellphones appear in their everyday lives? But my girl's friends each has a cell phone. We are the only parents to have been resisting the idea. Why? Cos we didn’t live with cellphones when we were 12. And what if there was truly an emergency for the kids and the didn’t have their cellphones with them? Would they know how to use the public phone? With the different area codes within the 2 cities that we're in, they need to know how to put the quarters into the slot and dial the right number instead of selecting 'Mom' or 'Paps' and the cellphone calls for them. Money is not the factor in this matter. It costs only $9 to add each kid to our Family Plan. So we are still being very adamant that kids should not have cellphones until they're bigger. My question : Is it wrong for a parent to think that way?
Second example : Responsible kids and parents
My girl had a misunderstanding with her best friend. This best friend of hers is an only child. One day, the girls were playing during PE and my girl accidentally hit her friend's face with a basketball (kids play, accidents happen). Her best friend got pretty mad and called her names. Was very nasty to her to the extend of making my girl feel bad about herself. The best friend also told everyone that my girl did it on purpose and that her apology was not a sincere one. Took us a total of 1 day and 2 hours to convince my daughter that she had done what she needed to do…that was to apologize. Then the next day, the daughter heard rumors that her best friend told her mother about the incident and that her mother was going to see the principal to complain against my daughter. Her being a kid, freaked out and told me about it. She also said that the best friend's mom talked bad about my daughter and everyone knew about it. My daughter used to go to their house every other week and they were nice. The husband decided to discourage the daughter from hanging out with this girl on weekends, for fear that the friend would do it again. They're back as being friends now but what bothers me was that, her friend never apologized for her rash behaviour. My question : Was it wrong for us to discourage her from hanging out with her former best friend? We explained to her why…that she and her friend might need some 'cooling off' period for fear that the same thign would happen again. And if it were true, why did the girl's mom even thought about complaining against my daughter?
Third example : Internet and parents' consciousness
Internet, the worst enemy for parent when it comes to parenthood. The kids are not allowed to surf the internet unless one of the parents are home. If they were to use it, only 20 minutes would be allowed when we're not home. Internet history will always be checked for security…MySpace and chat rooms are not allowed. Messengers are allowed and we scan the list of friends they have. One day, my daughter was at another girlfriend's house. We received an email notification stating that my daughter was on her messenger and she had changed her password. Afraid that it could be someone else trying to get into her messenger, we called her and she said that she had changed her password. Kids' passwords are for the parents to set up not the kids. So we picked the daughter from her gf's place. Apparently, no parent was around when they were 'chatting', just a 15 year old sister, her gf and her. Told the girls that they need to get their mom to call us when she got home. The mom didn’t call back, well the gf called back and said that her mom just came back from traffic school and was too tired to talk to us. But the mother never called back. The question : Is it us who watch our kids too closely or do parents just do not care what their kids do on the internet?
One last question : Do you as parents care what kind of songs your kids listen to? Do you happen to stop and listen to what the kids are listening to and indentify if there were bad language involved in the song and has bad influence like gang activities and racial issues? Rap songs are generally known to project negativity to adults…do parents care to even think that rap songs can be bad for kids? How about tv programmes? MTV…the 'in' thing now. If we don’t watch the kids, did you know that they don’t just play rap but also show videos showing gang activities? The reality show cops, if the kids were to watch it by themselves without adult supervision (its rated PG13 here), kids will think that those druggist and their tattoes and hats are cool? Trust me, we see our kids sometimes follow bad stuff on tv too. Again, was it just us or we're just being over controlling?
These are just one of our concerns that tend to make us feel as if we're the overprotecting ones, the caring parent or are other parents not as caring as us?
Would anyone like to share this with us?
I can't make comparisons of parenting back home and parenting here. To me, parenting is parenting…same responsibility, same ole scenario just like when we were younger, only that it gets 10x more complicating at times.
Now that the kids are 12 and 13, they are more aware of how they look like, who they hang out with, what kind of songs they listen to and even what they want on their bodies. This is like 'monkey see monkey do' stage for them…excluding 'monkey see monkey do' from their parents. The bad influences are the easiest for them to follow and adapt, the good ones are the hardest (as we all know cos we've been through that ourselves!).
They're starting to go to sleepovers. When they come back, that’s when the kids tend to make comparisons of their friends' lifestyle to ours.
First example: Cellphones.
At such a young age, no where does this necessity of cellphones appear in their everyday lives? But my girl's friends each has a cell phone. We are the only parents to have been resisting the idea. Why? Cos we didn’t live with cellphones when we were 12. And what if there was truly an emergency for the kids and the didn’t have their cellphones with them? Would they know how to use the public phone? With the different area codes within the 2 cities that we're in, they need to know how to put the quarters into the slot and dial the right number instead of selecting 'Mom' or 'Paps' and the cellphone calls for them. Money is not the factor in this matter. It costs only $9 to add each kid to our Family Plan. So we are still being very adamant that kids should not have cellphones until they're bigger. My question : Is it wrong for a parent to think that way?
Second example : Responsible kids and parents
My girl had a misunderstanding with her best friend. This best friend of hers is an only child. One day, the girls were playing during PE and my girl accidentally hit her friend's face with a basketball (kids play, accidents happen). Her best friend got pretty mad and called her names. Was very nasty to her to the extend of making my girl feel bad about herself. The best friend also told everyone that my girl did it on purpose and that her apology was not a sincere one. Took us a total of 1 day and 2 hours to convince my daughter that she had done what she needed to do…that was to apologize. Then the next day, the daughter heard rumors that her best friend told her mother about the incident and that her mother was going to see the principal to complain against my daughter. Her being a kid, freaked out and told me about it. She also said that the best friend's mom talked bad about my daughter and everyone knew about it. My daughter used to go to their house every other week and they were nice. The husband decided to discourage the daughter from hanging out with this girl on weekends, for fear that the friend would do it again. They're back as being friends now but what bothers me was that, her friend never apologized for her rash behaviour. My question : Was it wrong for us to discourage her from hanging out with her former best friend? We explained to her why…that she and her friend might need some 'cooling off' period for fear that the same thign would happen again. And if it were true, why did the girl's mom even thought about complaining against my daughter?
Third example : Internet and parents' consciousness
Internet, the worst enemy for parent when it comes to parenthood. The kids are not allowed to surf the internet unless one of the parents are home. If they were to use it, only 20 minutes would be allowed when we're not home. Internet history will always be checked for security…MySpace and chat rooms are not allowed. Messengers are allowed and we scan the list of friends they have. One day, my daughter was at another girlfriend's house. We received an email notification stating that my daughter was on her messenger and she had changed her password. Afraid that it could be someone else trying to get into her messenger, we called her and she said that she had changed her password. Kids' passwords are for the parents to set up not the kids. So we picked the daughter from her gf's place. Apparently, no parent was around when they were 'chatting', just a 15 year old sister, her gf and her. Told the girls that they need to get their mom to call us when she got home. The mom didn’t call back, well the gf called back and said that her mom just came back from traffic school and was too tired to talk to us. But the mother never called back. The question : Is it us who watch our kids too closely or do parents just do not care what their kids do on the internet?
One last question : Do you as parents care what kind of songs your kids listen to? Do you happen to stop and listen to what the kids are listening to and indentify if there were bad language involved in the song and has bad influence like gang activities and racial issues? Rap songs are generally known to project negativity to adults…do parents care to even think that rap songs can be bad for kids? How about tv programmes? MTV…the 'in' thing now. If we don’t watch the kids, did you know that they don’t just play rap but also show videos showing gang activities? The reality show cops, if the kids were to watch it by themselves without adult supervision (its rated PG13 here), kids will think that those druggist and their tattoes and hats are cool? Trust me, we see our kids sometimes follow bad stuff on tv too. Again, was it just us or we're just being over controlling?
These are just one of our concerns that tend to make us feel as if we're the overprotecting ones, the caring parent or are other parents not as caring as us?
Would anyone like to share this with us?
10 comments:
Erm, I am SO not the right person to be posting a comment here, as presently, I can only share experiences on how difficult it is to even look after 1 adult male cat and 3 kittens - let alone REAL children!! :D
But if you would allow me to, I'd like to share my point of view on what kind of parent I would be, if Insha'Allah, Allah were to grace me with a child.
I'd be EXACTLY like you, perhaps even more so.
I know I shouldn't say this, because I don't have kids of my own yet, but I feel as though I see too many parents nowadays who give in to the whims of their children, perhaps out of love, or perhaps out of exhaustion & exasperation (having to work a long hard day and all), or perhaps even because they don't want their kids to feel "left out" compared to the other kids.
And it certainly doesn't help matters when the circumstances surrounding the kid makes the kid feel like a "have-not" rather than a "have", despite all the encouragement we may try to give the child, because at the end of the day, what the child sees is that her friend has, and she doesn't - or that her friend can, and she can't. How do we continue to convince our child otherwise?
Like I said, Ely, I'd do the SAME thing you did, maybe slip in a spank or so here and there (hehehe) - but is it a losing battle?
For example, kids and handphones DON'T mix, as far as I'm concerned. And the education system should be firm about that. All that talk about wanting to make children more responsible for their actions, yadeyadeya is all well and good, but let's not forget that at the end of the day, they are what they are - children.
blabs my dear (love that king tigger!). thank you for sharing. when i wrote this entry, i was in dire need for someone to share and give me some point of view on this. and i thank you. u dont have kids YET but hey, u sure do have valid points.
having kids is not what we call 'give give and give' but we also need to 'take take and take' from the kids. what do i want to take from them? i want to see their responsibility in being young adults, and that their parents are here to listen to them when they have problems and stand up for them..and that we're not ATMs or 'Mom i want this' booth, u know what i mean?
also having kids are a 'one time give birth and let them grow' kinda deal too. u have to be very sensitive to their feelings and at the same time be aware of the dangers which sometimes start from home...like internet and tv. i am amazed at kids watching pg13 and rated movies when their parents are not home. i mean, halo? do we let kids be in the house? shouldnt there be rules?
anyway...thank you blabs,when u have blablings, i am sure u will be a good mom...like me hehehehe.
ps : i dont spare the rod, i really dont!
Dear Ely.. I love you to bits.. you both are responsible parents.. and the grey area is well covered there.
I suppose being in SF complicates the analysis a little for us living here in the east, but the fundamental things apply..
1. Love showered in abundance
2. safety of the children is of paramount importance
3. Parents must have a set of guidelines.. and always remind the children of that guideline.. one parent's guide may differ from another.
4. Every scolding and retribution must be fully explained, immediately or some hours later preferably on the same day.. and always tow the line of love.. one will never go wrong
To be strict with the kids now is better than tomorrow.. and the argument heightens the more one postpones doing it. Again, i let my kids understand that bitter pills are good for them. And now after years of seeing them without HPs.. they are now each allowed 1.
I am not propagating giving of HPs.. but if they have understood the seriousness of having such possession.. ok la
Thanks for the lovely entry Ely. Love Blabs comment too
twin darling,
don't you worry, whatever decisions you make as parents, you only have the best interest of your children in mind. stick to your guns. your rules are reasonable and ought to be respected.kids needs rules without which they will get confused and develop behavioral patterns deviant from your family's set of principles and values.
u can't control other parents' decisions or attitudes about important issues. maybe for them it's a non-issue at all. the challenge now is to make your children understand why u made such rules relative to your own household and its members.
stick to ur guns, even if sometimes you feel you are up against the world, u are doing the right thing for your kids.
you know where to find me.
dearest CB, i love ur beautiful input in this. i know that u would be the right person to seek advise from in terms of parenthood.
we are revisiting the issue of cellphones. now that my son goes to the library and then to baseball practices...it gets hard when the coach calls us and tels us that the practice will be cancelled. so we're still thinking, carefully.
i thank you again. your kids are so blessed to have u as their father.
*do u talk like when u type? so nice and berbunga2?*
TWIN, thanks for ur encouraging words. we do stick to our guns. at times, it turned out to be a battle between kids and parents. me being a mom, kesian kekadang...tak sampai hati lah katakan. thanks to David, who is the disciplinary person at home. Love u twin!
Ely... as a matter of fact, I do.
I have seen new acquaintances transfixed listening to and watching me.. but that's me. And I thank you for your very, very nice words.. it really made my day.
Really, what made my day is you. When you see the light at the end of the tunnel, that is the WOW.
waaah, so i shall not miss the opportunity to meet up with u and ur family when i visit singapore. i am sure i will be transfixed too!
did i really make ur day? maybe i was the one holding the lighted match at the end of the tunnel :)
Hehehehe, Ely, I like the poser to CB: "*do u talk like when u type? so nice and berbunga2?*"
Hehehe!! *I can just see CB blushing in embarrassment!!* :D
Blabs - CB's wife must be in love with CB everyday hehehe.
oh ely,
it all sounds SO susah!!
*peluh dingin*
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